22 September 2011

Inside A Suicide

I just read an article, ‘Inside a Suicide’ in Femina (7 Sept’11 issue). It says, 1 suicide happens every 4 minutes in India. Stress & depression are the main reasons. In Mar’11: A woman, in Bombay, had thrown her kids from the 19th floor & then jumped to death. I could see the scene flash across my mind - the fear in the kids’ eyes’, the mother’s desperation & a moment later, their 3 lifeless bodies.


Why did she do something as horrendous as pushing her kids off the 19th floor? Why & when do we decide to commit suicide? Every suicide victim makes one last attempt at life. They wait for that one person, with whom they can talk & share their agony, somebody who could listen to them, & not judge, but just empathize. If only someone, anyone listened! Isn’t that why they leave little notes – their last shot at being heard? Deep down, they all really want to live.


I’ve heard older couples talking about the “ups & downs” of their married life & how they braved it, & today stand as an example of an ideal marriage. My “downs” were those 2 years right after marriage. My daughter was born in June’06. The helplessness, & hopelessness, I felt in the months immediately after that, is something I’d never felt before. I felt SO SO LONELY for the 1st time ever in my life that, within 5 months of her birth, I went into severe depression. Office, husband, baby’s needs, no emotional support, responsibilities, no sleep, house work, constant fights, baby’s constant wailing & crying, no proper food & care, family angle, everything seemed to come together & hang over my head like the Damocles’ sword. Those were the only weak moments in my life where, I felt I can’t take it any longer; I wanted to end the trauma because no one cared for me anyways.


I missed my mother.


And then, one day, in sheer desperation, I found myself going to a medical store & asking for sleeping pills! He asked me for a doctor’s prescription. I then planned that, I’d try my luck, & go around asking 1 pill from every store, & once I’d collected 36, I’d be set. Why 36?!? Well, I’d heard that you needed 36 for an overdose. But I couldn’t get a single pill. No prescription!


I then thought of the fan. But I was a complete coward. I wanted a painless death. Hanging felt gruesome. You had to push the stool from under your feet! I could tie myself to the fan but pushing the stool away? No, no, I couldn’t do that. I thought of the railway track & poison too but I chickened out!


But that wasn’t the 1st time I’d thought of death, & been terrified by it. I remember my bungee jump in 2005. I went up, very excited, & put on the safety gear, filled with anticipation for this once-in-a-lifetime experience. Standing at the edge of the board, I looked down. He said, “Now jump”. An inch further & I’d be plunging down, head first. But at that moment, I just couldn’t propel my body any further. I still remember that ONE second of intense fear. Finally, he nudged me & I fell off. Trust me, the actual hanging in the air isn’t as frightening as that one second just before you fall. That second is utterly, absolutely, terrifying.


I managed the courage to bungee jump but it takes another kind of courage to end one’s life. And in this case, to be a coward is a good thing. After all, God never tempts us beyond our point of endurance. No matter how bad the days seem, we can always walk through it, one day at a time; because life is too precious to waste on anyone or anything. And I, for one, love my life too much to let it go to waste.

18 September 2011

The 10 Things that Make Me Feel Good

1. Waking up, after a long restful sleep, to a breakfast buffet, in a lovely resort, miles away, from your home in the city.

When we are on a vacation, we all wake up together & I actually look forward to the elaborate breakfast prepared for me by someone else! And how can I forget the variety of things on offer! What a welcome change from everyday life back in your house, where my day starts at 6 a.m, & till 8.30 I'm busy with the morning tasks: preparing breakfast & lunch, getting Tanvi ready for school, so on & so forth. Someone else cooking for me, has always figured right on top of my how-to-list of, "Simple Ways to Make Me Happy."

2. Leafing through my school yearbook & old family albums & laughing at my hairstyle, posture, dressing & face. Some of it is embarrassing alright; but then, that is how I started & then reached to being who or what I’m today. My personal growth & the journey of finding my own bearings, in this big, big world, fills me with joy & a sense of accomplishment.

Or catching up with school/college friends & laughing at the crazy things we did back then. Recently, I met my school friend, Zeena, after EIGHTEEN years!!
Seeing my daughter & her son playing together in the beach also made me feel good. Did I ever imagine this would happen one day? NEVER. So when the scene unfolded in front of my eyes, I felt all kinds of emotions – contentment, gratitude, happiness, surprise. 3. A comedy movie that makes me CRY. Ben Stiller & Steve Martin totally crack me up. I’m one of those that speak & laugh loud, completely letting my hair down. There have been times my stomach hurt & felt like it was in knots, by the end of a marathon session of uncontrolled laughter, & i have actually left the room or the seat, unable to laugh any longer & still continued to break into fits of sporadic giggles.

4. I still fit in to the blouses/clothes/jeans/t-shirt of yesteryears! This is one thing that I show-off & tease Sathya all the time about: I can easily get into a shirt I bought 7 years ago while he struggles to get into something bought as recently as four months back. Yes, he is gaining weight & how!
5. The way my skin feels & my hair smells after a languorous bath. The mixed fragrances of the body wash, the face wash, the shampoo, the conditioner & the moisturizing cream at the end of it all is HEADY! That is also the reason why I LOOVE spas – sensual indulgence is definitely my thing. Getting pampered is a good thing, I say.

6. Finding that one face I know & like, in a social or formal gathering. A huge hall filled with strange people & faces unsettles me just a wee bit & spotting a friend instantly lifts my spirits.
7. The feel of my daughter’s hand on me while she is fast asleep & I am still listening to the rhythms of her heart or her slow, soft breathing.

8. An act of goodness done by me or to me. It touches me immensely.

9. A kind gesture from a complete stranger in a completely new city. I have been to so many little nukes & corner of India that when a Telugu/Tamilian/Maharashtrian/Keralite/Goan/Bengali/Delhiite/Uttaranchal responds to you as a fellow Indian & & as a human being first & foremost, & not as a person belonging to a particular community or state, it is a moment I deeply cherish.

10. Putting my hand across my man’s chest & slowly drifting off to sleep after an evening spent worrying & crying. I cry & worry easy. Most days I console myself & spring back pretty well. But there are days when just lying next to your spouse makes it all seem small; that everything’s really ok or will be soon enough. I have realized that most of the instances I have mentioned above have one thing in common: they are, to a large extent, the moments when I have either felt beautiful in my own skin or loved and wanted by a near & dear one.

I also realized that not only do i cry/worry easy, i smile easy too. It doesn't or hasn't taken much for me to be happy. Yesterday I was so glad to visit Chitrakala Parishad. It was my first time there! And eating Vada Pav from a Goli outlet on my way back home!

Life's good! And there surely are more than 10 things that make me feel so!


13 September 2011

Should Flesh Trade be made Legal?

When Sahana (of Spicy Sweet fame) asked me if I would write a guest post for her blog, I readily agreed. It's an honor to write a guest post for her. If you read her blog, you would know why.

She suggested a couple of topics & I chose to write on "Should Flesh Trade be made Legal?."

It hasn't been easy writing on this because we all know the ramifications of reacting to a sensitive topic like this one. Also, writing on a controversial subject for another blogger's space is trickier & I did have my initial reservations.

Let me know your views.




07 September 2011

15 Minutes of Fame

“In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes”.
Andy Warhol

Was that a prediction or premonition? Did Andy already know, from the way media was overpowering our lives, that this was bound to happen, sooner or later?

People have done crazy things for their time under the limelight. Example, the likes of Paris Hilton or our own desi drama queens aka Rakhi Sawant, Dolly Bindra, Raja Chaudhary & Sherlyn Chopra. Should I add Poonam Pandey to the list? Unfortunately, they have even managed to stretch their fifteen minutes into endless hours of torture for the viewers (at least for the female population; the men must still like them a lot, hehe). They haven’t even bothered to see how it is taken by the audience, are the people disgusted enough. It doesn’t matter to them. After all, this is fame we are talking about. Rakhi has even turned her life into one marathon reality TV series after another. And just when we heave a sigh of relief that it’s over, BANG she comes up with another one! NDTV Imagine deserves brickbats for showcasing her stunts in an attempt to keep the media hooked to her idiosyncrasies. The thing is, these starlets & wannabes know the art of recycling the same old junk – love, betrayal, tears & a big patch-up. Someone stop the nautanki, please! They’ve sailed beyond the limits of our tolerance & their stupidity.

I wonder about the people who get national coverage because of some unfortunate events like say the recent break out of H1NI flu or dengue fever & are interviewed on TV from maybe their hospital bed!! Do they think of that as their moment of being under the spotlight?

But leaving all that aside, what about us, have we, the aam junta, mere mortals, experienced our 15 minutes under the sun? Have we all had our chance at this mysterious thing called fame? I believe everyone has experienced their small stint of recognition at one point in time or another. For some, their fame would have come & gone in bits & pieces: winning a running race or even the athletic championship in school has made people feel important. Participation in club events makes us feel like a star in our circle. Some have warm memories of being the neighborhood star after their performance in the board exams or after they won an important contest or competition in school and college. For many NCC Cadets, being a part of the prestigious Republic Day celebrations in the country’s capital is truly their moment of glory. Most of us have had our time, however brief or momentary.
As for me, my claim to fame was when I won (is that the right word!) the gold medal/first rank in my M.A. Like every year, the ceremony was covered by the media & my neighbors told me the last shot of the news on a regional channel on the felicitation was me taking my certificate. A congratulatory message also appeared on a local Kannada newspaper. My mother was very happy & so was I.
Shouldn’t we stake claim to our 15 minutes of fame not by our antics but by our achievement? I am sure all of you, who have at one point, been the center of attention, deserved the applause you received, for the things you did. And those of you who haven’t yet been there; there will be a day for you too.

01 September 2011

Chivalry: A Thing of the Past?

A research article (in ‘Psychology of Women’) termed chivalry to be “benevolent sexism”. It says, “Benevolent sexism is using ‘he’ to refer to an unknown person, helping a woman carry her shopping bags, or choosing to drive on long-distance journeys. It implies a woman cannot do these things without a man’s help”. I do know women who find it condescending; they’re independent, can ‘afford’ their bill & are capable of doing stuff on their own. The article calls it paternalistic treatment, ‘a woman being cherished or protected by men’.

I am one woman who likes being protected & cherished by a man. There. I said it.

I've had men who opened doors for me, or waited for me to enter the lift, or let me go ahead first into a room, or pulled the chair, or paid the bill on our first meeting. I’m not offended when a man offers to carry a heavy shopping bag or stands like a china wall between me & an unruly crowd in a bus or a cinema hall. I’ve come out feeling good about the experience & nice about him. I’m a lady & would like to be treated like one. And if a man is man enough to do that, I’m impressed. For all my “modern” ideas, I love feeling special & when a man does that, muah to him.

I remember once, Sathya, his friends, & I, had gone to this waterfalls place. And me being me, when I see a rock, I want to climb. It’s like a dog wanting to piss whenever it sees a pole! I set off; excited, & started climbing a rock. I must’ve slipped a bit because I saw his hands stretching out to me. I reacted saying, “HOGO (Go ya) I know what I’m doing.” He & his friends were amused; their instinctive reaction is to help a girl in a situation like this. He backed off & waited for me to join him at the top. And I did; on my own. At times like these, I don’t need a man to do the “helping a damsel in distress” drill. It’s simply not required. It wasn’t a social situation but an adventurous one. Formal situations are different. In a social set-up, if a man offers to get me a drink or a plate or a napkin or a chair, I find it endearing.

I don’t necessarily expect a man to do all this. But if he does, & not just for me; but for any woman, young or old, irrespective of his romantic inclinations, I’d be pleased by the gesture. I appreciate men who do it naturally, without trying to make an impression. I don’t know why feminists cry foul over this; after all, there are greater issues to fight for. This is not one of them. I don’t think a man who pays the bill thinks you’re a beggar & can’t afford your food. Similarly, holding the door open for someone coming in after you is courtesy. And if a man sees me home at night it’s because he wants to ensure I reach safely. That’s no reason for a war of the genders.

I dislike women who try to impress an unsuspecting guy with their daintiness & trick him into being extra nice; the ones who pretend to be delicate darlings; those who walk all fragile & fairy-like when draped in a sari & expect a man to hold their pallu or purse or mobile or head; or those who drink water like its ‘amrith’, one drop at a time; or those who eat meat like this is their 1st time (back home they’d devour an entire animal with just 1 hand) or……you get the picture right? Pls don’t try to be like a lady; if you are not, to hell with it. Jut be yourself, be whatever or whoever you’re – Tomb Raider, Cat woman, Kill Bill – but don’t fake being feminine just to extract chivalry from a gentleman & be treated like a VVIP at his expense.

Chivalry is simple courtesy. And it’d work both ways: if a man holds the door open for you, say a ‘thank you’ in return. Chivalry & good manners should be in BOTH the genders. Wish the concept was not limited to the things men do for women but extended to include things that people do for ‘others’.