25 February 2012

The BOY-Friend

It’s time for the 4th guest post on my blog: ‘The BOY-friend’ by Sunita Kurup of “I See, I Feel, I Say” fame. It’s one of the few blogs I got ‘addicted’ to pretty early & I only want to say this: her blog ROCKS. Read this for a taste of her delightful sense of humor.

Over to her now: The “BOY-friend”

I was never in the category of ‘good girls’. Going into kitchen was only to steal goodies, dad’s tummy no matter how big I grew happens to be my pillow always, 95% of my friends are ‘boys’, 5% of the girls who were friends with me were only because they wanted to get closer to the guys I knew: D :D. Yes and parents of these 5% girls told them to stay away from me because I would ‘spoil’ them. But I was always my dad’s princess and my mom’s headache. One night something happened which not only changed my mom's thoughts (I think so) but also made me feel good, feel much secured & stronger. One of my friend's mom (from the 5%) found out that she was going around with some guy from the same school. This friend of mine was a very quiet person. Even in 11th grade her mom packed orange juice for her in a bottle, she spoke so softly that anyone could hardly hear her. I was always compared to her in my house, when it came to behaving like a 'good girl'. Anyways, so the night her mom discovered what her daughter was doing in college besides studying, she thought it was her moral right to barge into our house and question me O_O. ”It is Pinky who is spoiling my daughter; she is the one who always roams around with boys ". And she went on and on about my 'reputation' just because I had too many male friends. All this while my bro was looking at me at his wicked best, trying to tell me “tera to aaj band bajne wala hai". My mom listened for a while and then said, " my daughter has a lot of friends who are boys, she also goes to their houses, but my daughter is at home as of now studying, she topped her semester exams, and yesterday when she bunked college with all her friends she had told her father about it in advance, I have nothing to worry, you should worry because it’s your gal who has not returned home yet. Instead of standing here and talking crap about my gal you should go and look out for your daughter ". I was zapped and my bro's face became like " aarey yeh kahani mein twist kaha se aa gaya"

No one brought up the topic again and my mom did not discuss it with me. But that was not all about it in my life. I have always been questioned about having more of guy friends then gals. Aare it’s my choice yaar, nobody ever questioned me why I was closer to my dad than my mom or to my bro than my sis, then why about friends. Every male friend that I have had has been looked upon as my 'Boyfriend'. Why?? Well the friend is a 'boy' so technically yes a 'boyfriend' but I certainly will not end up into a 'dil ka connection' with all my male friends. These were my thoughts all through my teenage.

Things started changing as I moved on in life with studies, career and relationships. The most common scenario is you befriend a guy, obviously because you are comfortable with him. Here you have no intention of getting any closer than being good friends, but because you are with that friend all the time, even your other friends start questioning your relationship status with him. Not to blame the world but really can a girl & a guy ever be 'just good friends’?? Why not? I ask...I would like to sit and get drunk with a guy friend and collapse in the same room, but then bloody hell the 'sexual tension' takes place or atleast there is a fear of 'that thing' happening. You feel emotional and want a shoulder to cry, if it is a female shoulder then its fine, but if it is a male shoulder then you will never know when the face turns to you and you get a kiss or smooch on your lips and next day you are going around with that 'good friend' of yours. And then suddenly this 'good friend' bans you from being friends with other good friends. Why?? Because he fears the same story might happen again.

Even if you and your friend have a nice friendly relation, the world will want to put a name to it or atleast your respective partners will. I have this very close friend and I was shocked when during a coffee session his wife referred to me as his sister!! I almost slipped the coffee and told her that her husband was not my brother nor do I have any such brotherly feelings for him. He is a good friend that’s it. I have never ever in my entire life called a guy my brother just to escape eyes of the world, and I will try never to do it in future either. I am proud of my friends and my relationships with them but it does not change the fact that I got married to my best friend. We decided to take our relationship beyond friendship when we realised that we would like to spend our lives together as husband and wife. So then does that mean that I am contradicting my own thoughts??? Why exactly is it so difficult (not impossible) to have a friendly relationship (not brotherly) with a handsome successful hunk?? Is sex the only reason?? I cannot answer, I do not know. Maybe when I grow older, with experience I might have an answer but as of now I have no idea why all the ruckus and hulla gulla about the ‘Boyfriend’!!!

88 comments:

  1. hmmm....The answer remains elusive...

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  2. LOL! I was all laughs when I came to the part where the part "when the face turns to you and you get a kiss or smooch on your lips..." came :D Honestly,I have to agree with you Sujatha that your guest blogger is real jovial.Downright awesome-funny!! :)

    And yes Sunita ,if you are in India ,you cannot be shell shocked to see such "boyfriend" responses coz people in this country are just obsessed with superficial things ,they never go skin deep,Sadly :|Loved your guest post :)

    And Sujatha,you couldn't have chosen a more better guest blogger on your blog today!! :)

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    1. woah Jen u r too generous with ur compliments I just tried to put down my thoughts...thank you and glad u liked it..

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    2. thank you Jen. m all smiles that you enjoyed Suku's post :)

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  3. I strongly suspect my mother would have reacted quite the same way when confronted by some outsider, after all blood is blood right?

    I completely concur with you when you say the moment the world pressurizes you to give your "friendship" a name, it starts getting messy thereon. It is not without reason that we notice the most beautiful relationships to be those that have no name.

    Wonderfully written and your blog does ROCK like Sujatha puts it.

    Cheers :)

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    1. thank you :) ..and u rightly said, "...the most beautiful relationships to be those that have no name" totally agree :)

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  4. Loved reading the post. And I have always wondered why a guy and girl can never be just friends! I too have quite a few male friends, and many at times I have been called not-so-nice-things because of that. But I still don't understand why a girl cannot roam around with guys without the fear of grabbing a bad name while a guy can roam around with as many girls as he wishes and be termed the macho-man!

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    1. thanks :) I think the day we understand these situations we would be what they really call 'liberal'

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  5. very well put forward but just as confused...

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    1. thank you :) and yeah the confusion still remains O_O

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  6. Remembered the movie 'KhoobSoorat' where Rekha calls Ashok Kumar her 'boy friend' because he is a boy (old man actually) and he is her friend :-)

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    1. hai na...but if Ashok Kumar was a young dude I doubt this word would have gone down well with the critics

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  7. A very well organized post on a subject that exists but we don't dare discuss it. I personally feel that the emotion of friendship is above gender and it will take some time for the society to get mature on this subject.

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    1. totally...but at the same time I also think it is surely changing..I just wish the pace was a little faster

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  8. LOL! Sunita become a screen-writer for a movie. You cracked me up. The scenes played in front of my eyes.. :-D Smooched.. Oowwah! LOL!

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    1. somehow u r the only one who understands my bollywood aspirations (sigh!!) someday I will do that also O_O

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  9. And that's what I call a slap in the face of all the hypocrites; both the ones who think girls and guys can't be friends and the ones who hide under the tag of friendship to play the field with a dozen guys at once.

    I specifically love the bit where you say you have never called any guy 'brother' just to escape the eyes of the world. This is something that is SO hackneyed; I know a few girls who walk around claiming that they are 'just friends' and that he is like a brother to her and how could we even think of calling her names because of that. Then BAM, next thing you know, you catch them cuddling in a cozy spot. That's what friends do?

    Also, I LOVED that bit about that woman barging in and your mother 's reply to her. I'm sure you could have knocked that woman over with a feather at that moment :D
    I know what it feels like to have a mother like that and I know the value of it.

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    1. ha that friend got married to the same guy later against her family and guess who did all the arrangements.. my villain bro O_O

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  10. This is one difficult question..I also have many male friends, but there are only a very very few of them who I can even think of in that sense, the rest of them are just asexual!..so I think friendship is possible and the world, to hell with them!

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  11. A very down to earth post about what is totally personal in terms of who to choose for friends! The honest girls like you really know how to strike a balance and lead life on your terms! An enjoyable read after a long time:)

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    1. If your opposite sex friend is single, there may be some room for romantic feelings. When both are committed, there shall be little chance for romance; That's only only my view. And nice post and people ought to think about this relationship issue!!!

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    2. Sriramnivas thank you :) but still there are chances right...is that the reason why the world says there cannot be pure friendship between a gal and a guy..

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  12. World is like that. People like labeling relationships. I have many boy friends who are just friends and nothing else. No sexual tension arises if you are clear in your thoughts.

    BTW, what kind of female calls her husband's friend - a sister? I think who is insecure. I will never do that. I am done with the word sister-in-law. One is enough for me:P

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    1. Insecure absolutely right Saru...& that sexual tension thing aare yaar mind work kaha karta hai when u r in such a tension O_O :P :P

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  13. I was exactly the same till I was in school. But in my case my parents didn't like me hanging out with guys after I got into college. They couldn't take anyone talking about me in a negative way. There's still a long way to go for our society to acknowledge friendship between a man and a woman as just friendship.

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    1. Ya people talking negative about their kids is the main reason parents stop their gals from such friendships..I have been whacked a 1000 times too :/

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  14. Hifiiiiiiii :) Suku, Ahaaa very happy to see a similar creature like me!!! huhahahaha very very similar situation at my home ;) but for a change both my parents worried! ;)

    huhahaha :) very well written :D sujatha ;) u pick the best of bests is it!!!

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    1. ya this SuJu no she has very good taste :P :P

      Where have you been?? humare blog pe to dikhti nahi ho aaj kal aana kabhi phursat se...chai piyenge :) :)

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    2. Sukoooooo, Ramya ne mujhe praise kiya aur uspe bhi tu chance pe dance haan? !! :DDD

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  15. Thanks Sujatha for introducing such an interesting blogger. Have decided to enjoy some suku(hi) moments from SuKupedia by.
    Why friend who is boy just not a friend..Interesting question..and well written. The part about mother was just awesome. How much we underestimate or not understand our mothers!

    In our times(was in college in early 90's..makes me feel old :-() Rakhi brother was used when girl started seeing her friend more than other friends. And most of them ended up marrying their rakhi brother and sister.

    Hindi movies also harp upon the fact "ek ladka ek ladki kabhi sirf ache dost nahin ho sakte"(A girl and a boy cannot be just good friends) ex: kuch kuch hota hai! That's also changing as shown in recently released "Ek Main Aur Ek Tu.." Kareena just considers Imran as her good friend!

    Things are changing ..hopefully for better. And yes I would try to consider my daughter or my son boy/girl friends as simply friends till clarified.(Though I am not sure of my reaction if my daughter has a special girl friend or my son a special boyfriend..:-))

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    1. thank you :) and yes underestimating our closest relations is what we most of the time do..things would change as u said :)

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    2. my pleasure Kirti. ya pls do read her - she is super fun. read this post Meri Bahu Alka - you will love it :)

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  16. I always have the same problem too Suku...and I almost blogged about it recently...why name friendships and give it labels? It is just plain simple that I enjoy the company of men more than women...so sue me:-)

    If you and Sujatha get time...catch this, I think you would agree:
    The Men in my life:
    http://darlingsofvenus.blogspot.in/2012/02/men-in-my-life-what-if-men.html

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    1. read ur post Suruchi and what a dhamakedar one that was :)

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  17. But it's difficult to know when you may enter the twilight zone.

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  18. Neatly Scripted :-) Liked the style of writing :-) Loved reading the post :-)

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  19. although i might be still a lil young to comment on it but then according to me (what i usually feel and undergo) there exist a very thin and delicate line wen two singles of opposite sex get close as friends. but as u pointed out, u dont always end up kissing ur male friend when he gives u a shoulder to cry on!
    Its always our own beliefs and how v handle our relations.
    i love ur writing style suku :)


    sarah

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    1. I read ur post on Love..which tells me u r not that young to understand relationships because writing that post is no kids play..such a mature one totally luvd it :) :) and yes u r right u don't always end up kissing..but most of the time it happens ya :( and u r like WTH just happened!!

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  20. Men are better friends anyday. I need my male friends. I like them as much as I enjoy the company of women. When a gal friend isn't sister, why should a body part change the whole dynamic?

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    1. why did I not think about that body part thing O_O... ek dum sahi :)

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  21. A heartfelt writeup. A boy and girl may not be able to be "just" good friends in the world's eyes but they can most certainly be to each other which is what matters. And I have never understood the brother thing. I guess we are only brother or sister to our own brother or sister. Everyone else is and should be a friend.

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    1. thanks Raj.. and u said exactly what i think..

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  22. Suku in Suju's platter :))))

    Oh yeah, during my school days, all my friends were guys and my class teacher was so such a well wisher that she called up my mom every now and then to tell home her how I am going to spoil my life going after guys. Mom listened to everything and gave her back after I got good grades for board exams... First time good grades served some purpose :D

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    1. that platter thing I started imagining me on Suju's plate with she holding a knife and fork and sounding like bbbuuhhhahahahaha :D :D

      yeah and good grades are always a rescue I tell you :)

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  23. All hulla gulla is made, because most of the time friendships dont remain platonic.and so many times there are so many heart breaks, because either the boy or girl was being simply friendly whereas other one was nursing different feelings.
    Anything which maintains boundaries is never bad..but people forget those limits..in any relationship there is a Maryada to be respected.,and people must know where to draw the line...

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  24. I have had more guy friends too..have been comfortable with them more than with the girls....have found them more trustworthy too!! and I never had to worry about anything other than gr8 friendship with them!! and im happy my parents didnt treat any of them like aliens so I didnt have to bother about what people will say!!

    nice writeup Sunita..

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  25. Guy friend becoming bro.. haha.. I remember the lines from our pledge.. 'All Indians are my brothers and sisters'.. to which we conveniently added in school 'except one'.. Some people do take our pledge seriously, and make everybody 'OUR' bhaiyas :-))

    Great post Suku.. and cool blogger as the guest Sujatha!

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    1. thx Jenny u know what I never said that line.. :D :D :D

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  26. I don't know about others but I feel that a man and a woman can be very good friends, not brother and sister, just friends. I have some really close male friends even to this date. I am married, and I don't harbor any feelings towards them. I guess it helped that my parents never raised an eyebrow or created a huge fuss when I had male friends from a very young age. Good post, btw.

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  27. Why not friend only , instead of Boy friend or girl friend ! The dictionary definition of boy-friend and girl- friend seems alarming , particularly in the Indian context. It is necessary to draw the line,and keep within limits or Maryada !

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    1. You actually looked up the dictionary to find out the meaning O_O... seriously!!

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    2. ....not quite. i knew it already !
      thanks !

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  28. I read this post, and kept on agreeing so so much! I personally think, it is natural that some girls get along better with guys. I have many guy-friends too, but luckily I wasn't linked to them, and it did not go over the top, probably because people around me were equally understanding! :)

    But I totally empathize with the author!
    Great post! :)

    And Sujatha, yet another gem, found and published! :)

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  29. World I guess has its own types moreover people love to give names to all relations that are not in their own home or their own children..

    friends with girls was a STRICLTY no no at my house too, till at least college time , I am sure my dad would have slapped me if i had said I got a Female friend ooops they would have said girl friend..

    The worst was if a girl came home I would have all my fingers legs every thing crossed they would not say Brother or sister type stuff. that use to be so weird ..
    here was me trying ot woo a girl to be a girl friends and parents would make her my sister BLIMEY..

    The post had me nodding all the time :)
    Bikram's

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    1. Its good to see guys agreeing to this :D :D..and ya names to realtionships, to phir friendship acha naam hai na..pata nahi why people confuse it O_O

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  30. You married your best friend right!:-) So that answers your question..Heck,I would marry my best friend in a flash.Everybody should.

    Men and Women can never be just friends UNLESS,
    a)both are committed to other people
    b)If one of them is single,ALL bets are off,feeling will arise somewhere down the line (mostly guys are afflicted with this one)
    c)If your marriage is in trouble,and you turn to your best opposite sex friend for consolation,you will slowly begin to feel that he/she understands you far better than your spouse,Again red flags.
    I can see the making of this happening in a blog I read.

    THAT is the reason opposite sex friends are strongly discouraged by married women and men.




    Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
    Sally Albright: Why not?
    Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
    Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
    Harry Burns: No you don't.
    Sally Albright: Yes I do.
    Harry Burns: No you don't.
    Sally Albright: Yes I do.
    Harry Burns: You only think you do.
    Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
    Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
    Sally Albright: They do not.
    Harry Burns: Do too.
    Sally Albright: They do not.
    Harry Burns: Do too.
    Sally Albright: How do you know?
    Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
    Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
    Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
    Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
    Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
    Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
    Harry Burns: I guess not.
    Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

    -----When Harry Met Sally----

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    1. And I am not talking about school friends and such here.This is about the "Young Adults" stage when people are more mature

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    2. agree to what u say somewhat though not completely convinced O_O

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  31. Nice Post There :-)
    I really dont see what the big deal is about, having more guy friends. Some people can't seem to take it, so they feel a guy and a girl can never be friends. I would just tell those people one thing "Grow Up!".

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    1. You rightly tell them to Grow Up. In fact they make better friends than those of the same gender !

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  32. Nice one. It is not that difficult. Not because of glare from people. If guy shoulder is there to support you at your difficult times, then it might turn out to be relationship. Thats absolutely fine in my opinion. Your best friend becoming life long supporter. That is what every human being desire for. Irrespective of gender all need love and care. But if they do it only because they stood at difficult times then it is not going to sustain for long. It should be genuine and wavelength should match in many aspect. Friendship is the base for any relationship. Sometimes people become possessive thats where problem starts. Keep possessiveness out, then all ship(relationship, friendship) works well.

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    1. totally agree ur lines from your best friend.....friendship is the base for any relationship...so well said :)

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  33. Its ok if both the people involved want to be on a friendship platter. But if one of them want to give this relationship some other meaning (even though the other doesn't), friendship loses its meaning. It is like insulting friendship.

    Destination Infinity

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    1. I won't use words like 'insulting friendship' that sounds harsh no?? what can u do about feelings if they happen then they just happen isn't it??

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  34. First of all, hilarious!!

    Secondly, so true!!!

    Too good!

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  35. Tale of every nook n corner, especially if u r in India..
    will nod a YES to every sentence of yours :P
    BOY-friends still OK, but imagine when u r with your brother, ppl r staring at you as if u r roaming with your so-called "BOYFRIEND".. disgusting !!

    people can create disaster even with a single look.. :D
    awesome read !!

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    1. thank you Jyoti.. i hope these looks change some day :)

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  36. All I can say is just have fun.. fun could be anything as long as both boy and gal are comfortable with it. Either 100% pure friendship or 100% pure romance. Honesty and frankness.

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    1. yes in an ideal world that i can be possible :D

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  37. "when the face turns to you and you get a kiss or smooch on your lips..." hahaha..I remember many bollywood movies about it :D The questions whether or not guys and girls can be friends remains a question or may be always will :)

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    1. yeah i think some questions we can never find answers to :)

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  38. Society is like that only!
    we can't change them neither we can't make them understand :D

    we get all thesr experiance of irritation,frustation nd blah blah ,,,wen we r in coll wen u talk to a single friend :P of our class friends make gossip btn both :P spred through out the coll in hrs :| :|
    we should feel luckily for, no matter what others say abt us but our parents trust us completly :P :D nd understand us :D

    somtyms this leads to relationship fights also :P :)))

    Nice reading u er post ,knowing lot of things from here :P

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  39. yup but herez the thing we are the society.. hope we atleast don't continue to do that.. :).. am glad u liked the post :)

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  40. it's really interesting to read.........

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