Resign from immediate effect from your self appointed post of Task Manager. I’ll repair the TV/computer/all other machines/ pay the utilities & do other necessary stuff around the house. But I’ll do it depending on my MOOD & not on the urgency of the task at hand. This “late latheef” attitude always gets us into bigger troubles & unnecessary headaches. I agree. But well, even so, I’ve decided. My mood will decide what has to be done when!
Yes, sometimes, a quick 5 minute fag session with a pal can actually run into an hour. Don’t call & ask every 15 minutes, "What happened?” Or “Where are you? What are you doing?" Just as you wouldn't want me to call you up when you’re in the parlor, I don’t want you to call me when I’m with very important people (VIP) doing very important things (VIT). If it helps, recall how once, you marched off to the salon saying, "Oh, just 10 minutes work. Only eyebrows" & didn’t reappear till an hour or 2 later. Also, can't a man go out without his wife giving him a list of home provisions to procure? When I go to get cigarettes, you say, "Can you get coriander leaves? Please!” When I go to get beer, you say, "Can you get bay leaves? Please!" This running errands thing - not happening!
When there is a match, you can't stand in front of the TV & ask inane questions like, "Sattu, did you pay the electricity bill?” This is not the time for you to ‘remind’ me that last month I had totally forgotten to pay it & they had cut off the connection!! You can't assign utterly useless & wrongly timed tasks like, "Oh, the tomatoes are over, I can't make the curry. Can you get ¼ kg tomatoes?" And when I say, "No", you can't go into an explanation overdrive saying, "But you can take the bike & come back in 2 seconds (2 seconds!! Yeah right!!) I’ll have to walk!" You are forbidden from these acts henceforth. And no, don't look at me like that. We are NOT going to 'reconsider' this matter.
At the dining table, when I exclaim, ‘Masha Allah’ it means the food tastes amazing, pure delight. This you know already. Now please understand that I can't say it every single day or for every single meal. So you can’t go, "How's it?" on me every time, everyday. Interpret my silences better. Ok, let me help you. See, when I’m eating it silently, it means one of 3 things:
1. The food is tasty enough but I’m not in a mood to write a poem on it.
2. I am SO hungry that no matter how it is, I’ll polish off the whole plate. Or I’m too busy Eating to heap praises. So don’t peer into my eyes. Or stare at my plate to see how fast or how slowly the food is disappearing from it. The food is good & I just want to eat it silently without a performance appraisal.
3. I really have no choice but to eat it, right? So I am eating it.
Get the codes?
Getting me the towel after my shower is not a crime. My mother did it. So can you. No, I do not want to hear your on-the-spot, oral presentation on your imaginary doctoral thesis titled "Social Conditioning of Indian Men over the Centuries & the Battle of the Towel" I’ll not take my towel when I go to shower. I want you to bring it to me. Period!
During our fortnightly/monthly/yearly major fights, you must keep your volume LOW. We are fighting, not competing for the prize of ‘Who is the loudest”.
Ok, now onto one of your pet peeves: discussing things! No, we can’t talk shop when
I'm IN office
I've just returned FROM office
I'm HAVING dinner
I'm ABOUT TO go to bed
No, we can’t do so on weekends, not on public holidays either. Then when do we talk? You ask. Good question. My answer: We have been married for 7 years now. Figure that out yourself. But hey no matter what you arrive at, basically here's the deal: we can do so when I want to which is generally – "Tomorrow"!