Quirky Me

We all have our eccentricities & weird ways. Here are some of mine.

I can’t help but check myself out in the tinted windows of parked cars.

I have to cut nails. It’s one of those things that you are just itching to do. Something very trivial but if you don’t do it, then aapki raatoh ki neend haram ho jayegi kind of stuff. Even if there is a little bit of a nail, I run for my nail cutter. I like cutting nails, not only mine but others also especially Tanvi’s. I can cut it only when she is asleep. Otherwise I have to ‘fight’ with her to be able to cut it. Sathya’s nails are like a giant’s nails, doesn’t come off easily.

I read magazines back to front. I don’t exactly know why I do that. But I’m guessing, maybe, because somewhere I feel it makes me feel like I have read the most important part already & the rest of the mag I can read through at leisure.

I can’t bear seeing some people the way they eat curd rice. It freaks me out no end. They kind of slurp the slimy, white, pasty thing off of their plate & it puts me off completely.

I get a high by cutting hair. If you look at Tanvi’ s old photos, around the time she was 1 or 2 years, you will see the after-effects of my handiwork. For the longest time, she sported this really weird hairdo all thanks to my deft fingers & a pair of scissors.

When I climb up stairs, I place half a foot at a time. This ends up in my high heels getting stuck, & slipping off & me running back to recover them. Embarrassing!

I can’t hold on to my vessels; daily at least one utensil has to fall off my hand, seems pre-ordained. Mother used to explode, “Do you have holes in your hand?” Sathya asks, “toh aaj ka quota ho gaya?”

I hate seeing scenes where they show people brushing their teeth on screen. I immediately close my eyes. Gross

There was a time when I used to eat only the insides of bread & neatly strip & throw away the brown borders of the slices. I have gotten over this & now eat it all. I never eat the insides of an egg.

My feet keep dangling whenever I sit on a slightly elevated stool/chair/table. I can’t sit still. My granny used to scold me saying, shaking feet was a bad thing for girls. When my mother continued the family tradition of chiding me for it, I used to frown back & challenge her, “Let me see what bad will happen. If my brother can shake his feet like a pendulum & God & granny never had a problem with that, no one can stop me either.”

When I drink water, I fill up my mouth & then gulp it down little by little. I can’t swallow it at one go.

As a child, I used to keep potatoes & chicken & fish pieces at the side of my plate. It was reserved to be eaten at the END of the meal. They were ‘precious’ because they were more tasty & fewer to come by & hence could not be accorded the same status as the ever abundant rice or chapattis. It was almost like they were VVIPs and had to be given due respect by being the last ones to be eaten.

The Promise

I had promised you a blog post a long while ago Salman. Here I am keeping my promise. ‘Dabangg’ has just released. And so has the controversy over your 26/11 remarks.

The mass hysteria “Dabangg” has generated is unprecedented. We all know this craze is only & solely for you. The movie is yours all the way.The director is new, the heroine too. No one cares for Arbaaz anymore & Malaika has hardly aroused anyone since her Chaiya Chaiya days (though she refuses to believe this).

But you… you are a phenomenon. You know that. When you come on screen, it’s like a 440volt current that sends the audience into a mad frenzy. Whistles, hisses, howls, cheers & claps resound throughout the theatre. We watched it first day first show, only for you, for your inimitable style. You are truly one of a kind & that’s what draws people in hordes to the booking counter.

The title song & that unique move of the hip & the twist of the belt, the hearts on your glares (hey, by the way, everyone is sporting a Ray Ban in the movie & to think that it is set in Laalgunj, U.P), the way you mouth your dialogues, the way you walk, the crisp shirts on your lean body … yah baby that’s what we go to watch on the 70 mm screen when it’s a Salman movie. Gripping story, tight screenplay, coherent plot, nerve-racking climax …well, those can wait. Let our eyeballs feast on you first. What say?

We know, & you know it too, that you are not much of an actor. Nobody could have put it better than you, when you said in an interview, “I don’t act. I just play myself in every movie”.

Your filmography is a revelation.Interestingly, for all your machismo, there hasn’t been a single kiss on screen, or a bedroom number, or even a “too close for comfort” hugging scene in any of your movies. You’ve always maintained an arm’s length from your heroines on screen (& perhaps grabbed them full on - off it!) & never indulged in any form of titillation. Your friend Aamir has smooched a couple of them already, especially both the Kapoor sisters! Had you wanted, you could have easily been the ‘original serial kisser’ of the industry & taught Emraan a lesson or two. Would the starlets have complained? I think not. But the thing is, you chose not to walk that path; kudos to you for that.

With “Being Human”, you have surely atoned for all your sins, right here, right now. Even before this organization, the instances where you have stood up for & supported & helped another life are far too many. Garib ke dil se, jo dua nikalti hai, woh seedha bhagwan ke dil ko choothi hai. I am sure you are one of the few celebrities, who finds himself in the prayers of many, who were touched by the acts of your kindness.

The janta loves you, warts & all. It’s the way you make us feel.

Needless Fear

I had this conversation with my daughter recently. She told me since her class teacher hadn’t come, they were taken to some other class. She sat with her classmates in the front row but Rakshit called her to sit with him. She first refused, but later sat with him.

She is just 4. The boy, around 5 years old, is in UKG. Every time she talks about him, she has this smile. Some days back, he’d told her, “I like you”. Once, he’d even winked at her! I felt uneasy. I didn’t like what I had heard. It worried me. When I said, I’ll tell Sathya about this, she panicked & covered my mouth tightly, begging me not to tell him, eyes filling fast with little droplets. She had confided in me. Fearing she wouldn’t let me in on her life, if I “complained” to her father, I let it go. When Sathya had heard about the winking incident, he’d flown into a rage & had warned her not to talk to the ‘bad boy’.

In spite of all this, she had sat with him!

But why should that make me uneasy? What is it that, I as a mother, am afraid of? Can’t she sit with her schoolmate who happens to be a boy? What is there to fear in this seemingly harmless incident?

The fear is, growing up, what if a boy, any boy, touches her inappropriately? What if he touches her hand, her face? What if, later in life, she gets hurt, first physically & then mentally because of one bad experience with a boy? Deep down, in the darkest recesses of their mind, are parents scared that their girl may become pregnant & end up scarred for life? All that parents want is to marry their princess, so she can experience the joy of love within the secure environment of a marriage. The “good” boy, thoroughly scanned & certified by them, should be the only man in her life. Am I like one of these parents too?

Is this seemingly needless worry a passing phase? Or does this feeling stay with them till she is packed off to her husband? Do all parents go through this phase? Does the rich mother in America feel the same way? And the poor father in China feels it too? I don’t know, but my instinct says, “yes”. This must be one of those universal truths, transcending class, country & age. All parents must feel this way; more so the fathers. The difference is, they express their distress & go into a fit of rage in an instant.

In Heyy Babyy, there’s a dialogue where they say, “hum jaisa kameena koi iska boyfriend ho toh?” Is that what Sathya fears for his daughter? Is that why most men guard their daughters’ lives with extreme caution, almost remote controlling it sometimes? They fear she might land up with an ass-hole of a man like their own self?! Are they protecting her or trying to atone for their own sins?

We can’t let our love-born to go through an emotional hell. We can’t let a boy wreak havoc in her otherwise happy existence. We can’t let him take away her sunny smile. No, can’t let him to do it. We won’t let him do it. What can I do so my child is safe? How do I tell her to wait till she is married?

The last generation fell in love in their 20’s. Our generation felt the first rush of infatuation in our teens. This generation seems to be tuned in pretty early. I am about to have sleepless nights from now on.