14 November 2011

Fools Rush In

And how! Remember the movie by the same name starring Mathew Perry & Salma Hayek? I watched a rerun of the movie on TV recently. He, a New Yorker, & she, a Mexican fall in love, get married & she becomes pregnant. That’s when they realize the differences between them are deeper & wider than the Great Canyon. Their backgrounds, food choices, the way they were raised, lifestyle, religious leanings are as disparate as chalk & cheese. But in the end, in the movie, love conquers all & they live happily ever after.


Why the mention of the movie? Well, because I so relate to it. I am a fool too & I rush in! Always have & most probably, always will! I’m the kind of woman who, when wonderfully wooed & relentlessly pursued, falls head over heels in love with the person & would head straight to the altar. The fact that I rushed into my marriage with Sathya is proof enough. Three months of courtship is no time to turn the man inside out, study him & have him all figured out. Using logic in matters of the heart is alien to me. Luckily, my life has turned out pretty ok by all counts & I still have not come to a stage of seriously regretting the marriage. Touch wood.


But today, in this post, I speak not as a woman in love or as a wife but only as a been-there done-that, wise-by-age parent. Not taking the time to know & understand each other’s outlook on money, children, values, priorities, & ambition is no way to approach an important institution like marriage. It’s better to be wise & safe, than in love & sorry.


Parents often say their oh-so-worn out dialogue, “Theek se socho beta. Yeh tumhari zindagi ka sawaal hai.” You know why? Because they are protective & it would kill them to know that the man/woman you chose in haste has brought tears to your eyes. They wish for you a stable life minus all heartaches. It can truly become a case of “Marry in haste, repent at leisure.” No wonder, parents wish the young ones to be level-headed & not rush into love or marriage. They ask you to consider the other’s education, family background, stability, & character - all with good reason. Calmly listen to one’s head rather than foolishly to one’s heart. Do a SWOT analysis if you want, draw up columns for the pros & cons (seen the film “Along Came Polly?” Ben Stiller does exactly that!), weigh the things on a scale, do what you may but make an informed choice. All this to ensure the relationship is insured against turbulent times ahead.


Alas! This is so contrary to what I wrote in the post “How I Met Your Father” in March of this year! I am surprised too by the irony of it all. Looks like I’ve matured, grown wiser & smarter & realized my crazy romanticism may not be a good thing to pass on to my daughter after all. And the possibility that I might have done just that is unsettling! The world is better off without romantic fools like me. I maybe an interesting woman but I’m most definitely a boring, old-fashioned mother.

Inspiration for this post: Sunita Kurup’s post “Love is for Real

110 comments:

  1. "Fools Rush In" - I defer to agree; for reasons many :o)

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  2. @Prashanth: that was so quick!
    defer to agree - many reasons ????? gottaglilla

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  3. Yes yes yes..u are so right..I've been through one traumatising relationship, thank god, it didn't end in marriage!

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  4. I think there can be a nice healthy mix between romanticism and logic- they balance each other out- it is when we take one or other to the extreme that we find things are a bit crazy. Loved this post!!!

    Was just talking to someone yesterday (recently married lad) and he said he is tired of everyone saying, "You are in the honeymoon period" - like it will end- I told him, "Don't let anyone tell you that- 25 years later I'm still in the honeymoon period"- and I didn't even 'fall in love' with my hubby- we didn't know each other when we married- but gradually have molded together in love over the years...the best way to have it :)

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  5. Love and logic dont go hand in hand..
    If u chose former then dnt ever think about the later, however if u chose later then never ever regret that u miss the former..

    If given choice i'll always chose Love..coz logic is so right n corporate n boooring..
    Wrong and spontaneous is soo much fun..

    and who said that logic and thinking always turns out to be correct ;)

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  6. Very interesting to see the 2 very different sides of you. :) Very nicely written too. Following your heart or your mind. Tough question that! While it may be difficult to take sides, a little bit of tag team between the romanticist and the rational inside one can help! :)

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  7. in my opinion u haven't written anything which you don't believe in to your daughter.. loved both the posts.. though i would be wary of the running straight to altar thing, I agree when u say u should weigh things.. but who said you couldn't weigh things in 3 months :) :)..

    and thx for the mention dear, I had thought you would blacklist me and Bluntu after what we did to you with the twitter :P :P :P and since u ve forgiven us about that..where is the follow me button of twitter on your page ???

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  8. Your post is full of words of wisdom and practical outlook! Very well written and an enjoyable post..

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  9. A relationship works n give and take. It is no one way street.

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  10. good selection of topic and even better discussion on it.

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  11. I guess its quite ok even if one rushes in to a marriage and it doesn't work well (many arranged marriages end up like that as well). If it goes to the edge of break-up, then both the people involved will learn to survive and thrive on their own. Its difficult, but not impossible.

    Destination Infinity

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  12. I liked the way you took on it, related that to your life and was reflective on your past as well. Good that life did not give you lemons in this regard.I will not call u a fool here, I would like to call you lucky!

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  13. spot on... i think there are many many more things besides love which need consideration for a successful and viable marriage or any other relation...as you said, culture, social upbringing, religion, ethnicity, education, social status and so many other things play a very important part and thats why parents always emphasize on making careful decisions with long dleiberations....

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  14. "In the end, in 'life','if' love conquers all & they live happily ever after."

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  15. I am kind of ambivalent about this topic.IMHO culmination of love need not be marriage. Marriage needs so much more than love. Factors like 'education, family background, stability, & character' should be secondary and not the primary reason for a marriage but what happens most often in most of the "arranged" marriages is quite contrary.

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  16. When the roles are reversed, our thinking also changes. One of my friends got married in the "Alaipayuthey" style. Now he has a daughter. He says, "I would not like it if my daughter marries in the same way"! :)

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  17. In love if we tend to be practical then it has already lost its essence. I have chosen practicality over love and I wonder, what if?

    And the story I am talking about here is not on my blog yet or may never be :-)

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  18. Welcome ot my world.. it happens with people who think from HEART .. this world is for people who use there mind..

    you got to be clever in todays world.. learning the ropes me ..

    Been there too

    I make it a point now to Think and take time the insides of me are shouting at me but i STOP now hopefully i will learn too the ways of this world soon..

    Love is something that is OVERRATED too much.. what happens in love stories doesnot happen in real life ...

    and parents are right .. We got to be careful ..

    a Lovely article loved reading it brought back some memories ..

    Bikram's

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  19. @Ana: oh! Sad to know that.
    But it really is true you know – whatever happens, happens for good. Thank god ki that relationship is in the past & you’ve moved on to a happier life

    @Anjuli: yes, the extremes are the villains. And I am so extreme!

    I loved the way you put ‘a healthy mix of romanticism & logic’. Who wouldn’t want this magical mix!

    I was so happy to read about your own beautiful life. 25 years on, sounds like an eternity :) & still the spark kept alive – you are a blessed child Connie!

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  20. @Ashutosh: the ugly truth eh? Love & logic can’t see eye to eye! Yes, I guess so!

    Wrong is so much fun –haha! Now pls don’t make me turn around on this post. I am like already on the edge :) and your last line is like the proverbial straw!

    I remember for a long time I used to tell “evil is attractive, evil is fascinating because it’s unpredictable & fun” good is stale, good is boring

    But now I know - zindagi jeeni bhi toh padthi hai

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  21. @Raj: I think once we ourselves become parents we start re-evaluating a lot of our previous notions.

    Haha the tag team concept rocks Raj!

    @Sunita: I know I know – the running to altar thing is the first thought that came to my mind after I read your post & that’s why I’d written on yours that I defer with your post on a few things & I could so imagine your “wary” feeling.

    Your post gave me a lot of food for thought & challenged my thinking. It was on my mind ever since & I kept questioning myself over & over again

    Twitter – tum dono ne toh meri waat laga di. I’d have NEVER come on twitter if it weren’t you for 2 :)

    lo follow button bhi daal diya. Lekin koi sundar wala button nai mila :(

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  22. @Rahul: thank you Sirji. Shaadi & ek bachche ke baad this ‘practicality’ has hit me :)) and reading Sukupedia’s post set the ball rolling on this post :))

    @Rajesh: true. Give & take. Absolutely right

    @Neeraj: thank you so much Neeraj

    @Destination: aah! Just the thought of it breaking up & both going their separate ways is saddening :(((

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  23. @Sahana: yes Sahana lucky, very lucky. Touch wood! Touch wood! hehehe I am so superstitious about these things

    @Israr: yes Israr in most cases, parents do know better. If only some of us would listen!!

    @leo: wouldn’t that be so wonderful?

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  24. @Zach: I am torn between the two too :) and here chose to go with the flow – at least it’s relatively ‘safer’

    @Nona: I understand him. Sathya says it too & lately I have begun feeling it too & its making me uneasy. I feel like a hypocrite

    @Chintan: that’s what I used to think: love already losing its essence bit. But zamana aisa nai sochta.

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  25. @Bikram: true, mind rules. the whole world relies on reason & cautiousness & sometimes,rightfully so

    "the insides of me are shouting" that line says a lot Bikram

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  26. yes "fools rush in"! ...marriage is a very serious business..we usually leave it on parents (if we dont have any particular choice) because we believe on their wisdom and experience,so when they ask us to be careful while deciding about our partner , it makes sense..Lucky are those who end up with the ones they love, but sometimes the person you are in love is not suitable for marriage ..and deep down inside you know this..a little calculation is better before ending up together..tho I dont really believe this, destiny is there after all..but there is no harm in calculating a bit..just not listen to your heart, have a say from your brain too!

    very well written Sujatha:-)

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  27. It's always better to fall in love after marriage than before; that's what shrewd girls will do!!!

    From: www.sriramnivas.com

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  28. dont know if i should agree with you or not because i personally HATE this system of arranged marriage.i mean how are you supposed to live your entire life with an stranger, but then, as they say, god ALWAYS has a plan :)

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  29. Hmmm interesting... Well I have an opinion that everything that happens in life is for good if you look at it optimistically, so is love. But as you've mentioned In haste never would I jump into any conclusion... Precaution better than cure as the proverb goes.

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  30. I am similar to you, when it comes to falling in love. If any guy relentlessly pursues me, I would fall headlong in love with that person. But I don’t know how much time would be really enough to understand a person. Sometimes it would take a lifetime and sometimes even a moment would be enough. Yeah for sure, logic does not work in matters of heart. I think in love it’s important to be romantic and practical, because for the marriage to work longtime both the ingredients are equally essential.

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  31. @ Sujatha - First, i dint knw u are a celeb..
    pass on some fans to my blog ;)

    I neva said evil is fun..i said wrong is fun and ther is diff b/w wrong n evil..and wen i say try to go wrng in life doent mean do wrng things..i jst mean to do things differnt frm already set conventional so call correct methods...

    And Jab koi zindagi jeeta hai toh wo "hi padti" jaise words use nahi karta..
    problem is most of the ppl dnt knw jeena hota kya hai...... :)

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  32. Will you understand someone fully even after a year? It's been almost two years since me and my guy met, but I still find every day of his behaviour and character new!! Is that something wrong??

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  33. @Mishi: thank you Mishi. Marriage is indeed a serious affair & the expectations & pressures on it are only increasing. Better safe than sorry ;)

    @Sriram: haha maybe so but I wouldn’t know, for I am not a shrew girl in matters of the heart :))

    @Madhav: yup not for me either the arranged marriage set-up but then I understand those who go in for it. God does have a plan. And hey, don’t agree with this post – the sentimental fool part of me would be pleased :)

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  34. @Ashwini: yes, a little thoughtfulness does go a long way :0

    @Prasanna: haha finally one girl similar to me- headlong in love types :)
    Yes, practicality does have its place esp when it comes to marriage. It is a life-long commitment afterall

    @Deepthi: what do I say to that? No, we may not understand someone fully even after a year or two or more. Isn’t that why I married in the first place?

    The difference is in my case, I didn’t even look beyond our immediate connection at the time whereas reason/society/wisdom/elders/parents/world says “study the guy fully, assess him, evaluate the choice” etc etc
    Did I answer you?

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  35. We are all vulnerable. When in a relationship, we think we know what we are doing. Which is so not true!
    Time tells us how naive we were :)

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  36. @Ashitosh: celeb!?!! fans??!!! taang kheech rahe ho kya?

    you never said evil is fun. i know :).
    I said evil is fun because it was a phase of my thinking. when you wrote 'wrong is fun', it threw me back to my phase. that's all :)

    and yes, that's true, hamein toh nai pata jeena hota kya hai. aap hi ko gyan batana padega ji :)))

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  37. @Philo: so true - the vulnerability factor. only time will tell

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  38. Mind should always be the decision maker,but does it?.Hard to say,but at times trying to be smart slap you right in the face.At least I have experienced it in my case.So I allow myself to be led by intuition and cherish being a fool who takes pride in locking my brain in the locker every time I step out of home. :P :P

    By the way,marriage/love is too important a decision to rush into just like that .A mistake there can turn life upside down.I see your point.. :)

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  39. Yes. This is one of those instances where despite the heart-mind conflict, you have to have a panoramic view of the situation and take a decision wisely. Nice:-)

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  40. "Shadi koi gudde gudiya ka khel nahin hain"(Marriage is not a dolls game) and real life is very different from the movies and books which we grow up with. Most of the books/movies are about how boy met girl, danced around the trees and finally lived happily ever after. Sadly there are no prince in white armor.If life had been so we all would have fairy tale.
    Love or Arranged Marriage(Note: In both adjective is before Marriage) the real life starts when one starts living together. As Rajesh said "Life is a two way street" Everything is based on compromise. Marriage as per me is based on : compatibility, respect and consideration for other and lots and lots of hardwork.

    Great post..read your inspiration too :-)

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  41. Omigod!! looks like I never get a post on the first read itself.. always have to go back and reread!!

    'Not taking the time to know & understand each other’s outlook on money, children, values, priorities, & ambition is no way to approach an important institution like marriage. It’s better to be wise & safe, than in love & sorry.'

    Isnt being in love mean, love the fact that I love the way he saves money and thinks about our future.. I love the way he takes his work so seriously..I love the way he is always concerned about his parents no matter what..I love the fact that he tells me, he thinks it is fine for him to sit at home and take care of the kids when we would have one.. So being in love can also be wise?

    For me, when I am in love means, I love the qualities that make my man, and hence so want to marry him.

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  42. Love does that to people I guess. They rush in. We all do.

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  43. I wish I would have rushed in and been a fool instead of being cautious and stupid... Experience teaches us different things.

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  44. A lot depends on destiny too ..Many enjoy a long happy courtship but things fall apart in few months after they get married .Some knew each other for just few months and are living happily ever after.I think it is not about the time but about finding the right partner or your Soulmate.

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  45. We all rush at something or the other. Yours happened to be relationships :P
    Loved the post :)

    Could you, if you get time, read a post of mine, and vote for it if you like it? (Please don't think I came here to do shameless self publicity, I've seen the movie, and seeing it's reference in your indivine description, I came over :) )
    I'd be really grateful :)
    http://www.indiblogger.in/indipost.php?post=90039

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  46. I absolutely love this post, Sujatha! Thanks for sharing your personal experience.

    You are so right - what is portrayed on TV shouldn't be taken literally. It is after all, a life-long commitment! Marriage is something so sacred, and one has to be right the very first time :)

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  47. Please don't take away romance from our lives. It is an important ingredient & has been through the centuries !

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  48. @ashok: !!! anyways, :)

    @Ashutosh: next post mein?

    @Vishnu: brain in the locker!! Yes, some mistakes are very costly & can change things drastically

    @Ashwini: panoramiv view –liked the way you put it. Parents usually do that with their wisdom

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  49. @Kirti: that’s another famous line – the gudda guddi khel one.

    Yes, most often the hard work part of it is not talked about or we miss out when we are in love and once we ourselves become parents, our perspectives begin to change

    @Jenny: and your man seems to be very woman’s dream Jenny :)

    You are one blessed woman. I say :).
    touch wood.

    With all that that he is already doing & says will do, I can only say, “lucky girl” bless you

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  50. @Ranting: that’s a consolation :)

    @Farila: I thought about what you wrote for a very long time.
    Actually I was surprised to see those lines came from you.
    Who would say, “I wish I was a fool” isn’t it? So rare.
    Intriguing too.

    @kavita: and such a trick it is to find one – the soul mate!
    Destiny yes a big hand there :)

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  51. @Story Teller: ok. I believe you :)
    so sure, will go over & check your post & vote if I like :))

    @Kiran: true, first time right - :))

    marriage is so easy to get in but so so difficult – emotionally, physically, financially – every which way – to get out

    @Ramakrishna: ohhh! :((

    But also 'wow' because this line is coming from you Sir :)) considering your age/experience & the things I read in your profile, I thought you’d be the last person to say this :)

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  52. Well not really, but I get the point!! I guess love is the best place to take a risk??!!

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  53. @Deepthi: I did & faced whatever came my way. Does everyone have the emotional bandwidth to do so? Many that i personally know, and rightly so too, wouldn't want to invite "trouble" home for no reason. Family support can ease the challenge that marriage is to a great degree

    And if love is put as risk, the wiser ones would say, "why walk into one?"

    if you can take it & not regret whatever be the consequences, so great.nothing like it. i took the risk!

    @Philo: true. well at least i couldnt :)

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  54. Sujatha: Why not ! Romance knows no age - its all in the mind & heart. Just see Amitabh Bacchan-how he is romancing with his participants in KBC immaterial of their age.(and vica versa) Not to forget Simi Garewal ( who is a wee bit short of seventy)-one of the most suave,stylish & romantic ladies in the country & see how the young participants(males)in her show vie with each other to romance with her !

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  55. @Ramakrihna: that's true & wonderful of you to mention them
    yes its all in the mind & heart. age has nothing to do with it :)

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  56. though I feel that marriages are made in heaven, but still its better to think twice before marriage only not afterwords.

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  57. You are absolutely right, Sujatha! There is a lot of truth in seeing the educational qualification, khandaan etc. though we might pooh-pooh when younger. The only things I care a damn about is caste, but it does help if people have similar lifestyles. Marriage as it is requires so much adjustment that it helps if there are other solid factors that keep you together including the consent of your family. Absolutely, I have the same insights after almost 11 years of marriage :).

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  58. @Rachna: 11 years! wow! that's long.
    true, family by our sides eases out many things later

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  59. Hmm!! Your answer was like the conversation we had in one of my posts!! :P

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  60. Your writing is open and sincere. And it's really nice to read through when one writes like that :)

    Looking forward to spending more time in your blog!

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  61. @Deepthi: :)

    @et: thanks for the lovely comment & welcome here :)

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  62. You write in a very open and if I may say un-inhibited style, which is refreshing for the reader

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  63. It's not just you :) it's not really in our hands :D If we could all control, then wouldn't all our lives be perfect? :) We just learn from our experiences :) No regrets :D

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  64. @Bindu: thank you so much for such a lovely comment

    @Philo: :))
    you know for a 17 year old, you are so mature & balanced & with a clear view of life, it amazes me about you so much (in addition to your awesome writing of course)
    i mean at 17 i was ....totally clueless!!
    well, at 34 today not much has changed :))

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  65. You've got a very interesting discussion here and many different view points. First of all, it was a good topic to discuss. Secondly, I think the topic of marriage cannot be ended with a perfect formula because relationships are too personalized and we can't make judgements on how it works for others because it differs from person to person. What I am certain is that whether one opts for a love marriage or an arranged marriage, the couple have to work with openness and mindfullness to nurture the relationship throughout their life. It takes tremendous patience to do this but if the relationship grows and glows, is'nt it worth it?

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  66. Hi. Nice new look. I think you should consider enabling the blogger navigation bar (the one with follow, sign in etc) in your template HTML.

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  67. parenting entails responsibility for your creation hence....

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  68. @Swapna: the couple has to work - either ways - no doubt about it but if there are some common denominators for them to begin their journey, it helps tremendously and yes, if it grows & glows - it's totally worth it
    thank you for your response to the post

    @Leo: oh i so want to. i am finding difficult to go to dashboard with this. but don't know how to do it! thanks for the suggestion. do you know how to enable it?

    @magic: :) yes, that's the whole point i guess. you put it beautifully in a line :)

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  69. Try this.

    1. Back up the current template by using [BACKUP/RESTORE] on [Dashboard]>[Template].
    2. [Dashboard]>[Template]>[Edit HTML]>[Proceed].
    3. Locate the code:
    #navbar-iframe{height:0;visibility:hidden;display:none;}
    4. Delete that code, and click [Preview] and see if the navig'bar is back.
    5. [Save Template]!

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  70. fools rush in
    like the narration

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  71. @Leo: thanks a lot. will do that

    @Zeba: :) thanks

    @sm: thank you

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  72. Hi Sujatha, it does not matter if you are from the same backgrounds or different ones, no matter how much time we may take to get to know a person, it does not guarantee a perfect match, I am somehow convinced, it is the biggest gamble of our lives, especially for a woman.
    And about rushing into a marriage, let us not forget, most Indian weddings are arranged and not many have the privilege of meeting their husbands more than once to decide. I custom I detest.
    Loved your post, as I love to read about people's real experiences.

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  73. @pooja: it sure is a gamble either ways, in fact everything in life actually is but family support does make a whole lot of difference

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  74. Nice post. I'm a bit baffled up cuz when we're in love, yes, we are a bit crazy and want to rush ahead with passing life. We don't think about certain things from close quarters. Our parents, ofcourse, they have seen much more life than us and can never want us to be in pain. But if we have truly loved someone, usually we don't think about the consequences we will have to face later on. All we want is to somehow be with that person. Once again, wonderful post :-)

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  75. Me and mature?? Haha :) It's just what my writing gives out :P

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  76. @Aakash: its true Aakash even i did the same thing. and had to face many ups & downs.
    but i dont want my daughter (or sister or any other nice, sweet girl) to do that because if she suffers or gets hurt, i will be very sad

    @Philo: :)) u know i am exactly twice your age :)

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  77. Sometimes well thought decision go wrong too and decisions of heart turns out to be right....

    Very well written

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  78. @A: very true. like in my own case! :)

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  79. Unique topic and love the new look of your blog..:)

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  80. @Shoaib: was a bit uneasy about the new look so thanks

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  81. Fools rush in and the wise wait eternally...Fools experience life and the wise write a book about life...I'd rather rush that sit in a bush :)

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  82. @ashok: :))) fools experience life & wise write books!! still all :)))

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  83. This was interesting. And in all those words there was a warning that I am taking heed off. Loved the post. The concept. Will watch that movie..

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  84. An interesting take here Sujatha. Your experience speaks a lot and I can see lot of wisdom in there! Yes, its absolutely better not to haste while deciding your life partner.

    SWOT analysis is actually a good idea to pursue! The world needs romantic ppl like you and I don't think you're a boring person - a wise, well-read, witty, know-all woman I say :)

    Cheers!

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  85. @Anand: thanks Anand.
    you know once we ourselves become parents all the old things & ideas, we start looking at it with new eyes. because now we've a daughter & we wonder if we'd let her go through what we went through & suddenly our thoughts match the thoughts of the previous generation - the oldies! :))

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  86. Impulsive goes with me :) .. but this post was really good, and this was one of my most watched movies then, and i so loved the way the movie evolved :)

    Love just needs understanding, the rest just seem to fade when it sets in :) .. loved it beautiful read ...

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  87. @Menachery: thank you. so that makes the two of us - the impulsive ones :)
    yes love needs understanding

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  88. A beautiful post Sujatha. Your narration is very enjoyable.
    Must watch the film.

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  89. @Ruprekha: thank you so much Ruprekha.
    yes, watch the movie. its nice

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  90. An interesting topic and the posting is very meaningfull/practical

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  91. I hope you are kidding about your marriage :D Your family would have got a heart attack if you married a guy you met 3 months ago :D

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  92. @The Narcissist: hey no. it is 100% true.
    cant expect anything but the truth from an Aquarian, remember ? :))

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  93. Very thoughtful and good lesson to be learnt. Thank you for sharing this :)

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  94. Really nicely written, and sensible too... its just that one needs the wisdom of experience to understand the truth behind your words :-)

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  95. debatable subject and perhaps there is no definite answer to that. as far as ur post is concerned, its an absolute pleasure reading ur posts and this one's no difference.

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  96. @Deb: debatable - definitely :)
    this post is me as the MOTHER, the MAA :DD
    me as the woman would say things completely opposite to things said here :D

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  97. maa bhi kabhi premika thee !
    or
    maa has put premika on backburner !

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    Replies
    1. wow how well you said that = 'premika on backburner'! nice and true :) when it comes to my daughter, premika gayi bhaad mein!!

      Delete
    2. That's why they ( me too} say |
      maa tujhe salaam !

      Delete
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