24 March 2011

How I met your father

Dear Tanvi

In a few years from now, you may wonder about love, romance & marriage. You had innocently asked me once where you were when your father & I met. I’d told you that you were in the sky then & came in much later. You were busy playing with God when we met each other & then God sent you into my stomach & you came into our lives.

Today, I want you to know how your father & I met; and how we went on to get married.

I was working in UTL in Whitefield since Sept 2004. Your father joined the company in March 2005. I remember the day I saw him for the 1st time. I was at my desk. I stood up & turned around to get a print. That’s when I noticed a tall, well-built man, formally dressed, standing outside Carol’s cabin (Admin mgr). He had curly, wet (?!) hair. What I can never forget is his ‘nasheeli’ eyes - big, dark, round eyes. Hypnotic. There was a soft “wow” in my head. I turned away. He must be one of the vendors, I thought. I forgot all about him.

A week later, he reappeared. Apparently, that day he had come for an interview. He was now Carol’s assistant & was going to be seated in the workstation right behind mine. I later learnt that, the previous night, he was so drunk, that the next day when he finally made it to the interview somehow, he was suffering from a very bad hangover. So much for his ‘nasheeli’ eyes!

He enjoyed female attention. He loved cracking jokes & generally playing to the gallery. The 4-5 girls who were seated in the same bay, always surrounded him & laughed at all his silly jokes & ‘ooh- aah’d at all the songs he played on his system. I hated him. I thought he was one BIG show-off. How I detested all show-offs!! I never laughed at any of his jokes & held myself back from enjoying the ‘stupid’ music he played.

I can’t recall what broke the ice between us but slowly we started talking. He sure was a lot of fun!!



















In April, we –a group of 3 girls & 2 boys- went to Chennarayapatna, to attend Sumanth Gowda’s brother’s post-wedding banquet. Your father & I had the time of our life that day. There were tears in my eyes – that’s how much he made me laugh. Who could resist his antics & witty one-liners?! I think I was beginning to fall in love –again –with him! To this day, the snap we took there, is prominently displayed in the showcase of our living room.

In May, he said he wanted to marry me. On June 17th 2005, we became man & wife.

Come June this 2011, it’s going to be 6 years for our marriage. In hindsight, would I change anything? No. Should I have not loved him? No. Would I rather have married the steady, well-settled, mature, sensible, upright, responsible, always correct, Mr. Right? Certainly …………………………..…. NO.

I’m lucky to be your father’s best friend & wife. I hope you’re just as lucky. Today, I can wish you more but all I really want to wish you is an equally (if not more) interesting man you would want to spend your life (P.S: but more importantly your holidays) with!!

Love,
Mummy

22 March 2011

Corruption

One weekend, when Sathya’s friends had come over, they began discussing the land scam that shocked our state. It involved the son of a BJP minister. His friend said something simple but insightful, “If fathers stop leaving property to their sons, there won’t be corruption”. Is that so simple? Can corruption, that has plagued our country for so long, & in such enormous proportions, be tackled at the level of a family? Can we ask fathers not to leave their property to their sons? I’d thought corruption was a systemic problem; it needed a 360 degree treatment. Isn’t India one of the Top 10 Most Corrupt Countries in the world?

A philosophical look at corruption is that its manifestations are severe in societies that have seen periods of deprivation. If I’ve been hungry for 4 days & not eaten a morsel, on the 5th day, if I’m offered a lavish spread, I’d stuff my face with all that I can lay my hands on! A society that has seen days of penury laps up every opportunity to accumulate wealth. A father, who has seen days of struggle & hardship, tries very hard to ensure his child doesn’t go through the same ordeal. He wants to acquire, by hook or by crook, all that he sees. The son’s secured future becomes a testimony to the father’s hard work. He builds an empire of abundance. Land, gold, cash, cars, houses, everything is amassed to the maximum extent possible & in the minimum time available.

If there was no inheritance, they needn’t bend backwards to build up their bank balance. All they had to do was give their children good education. Give them wings & they will fly. But the reality is fathers spend their lives making money for their “suputra”. Sons spend their lives enjoying the riches. The vicious cycle continues. For those who become rich, the sons have the security of dad’s loot to lead their lives. Those who don’t become rich, slog away in a 9-5 job trying to make ends meet. The unfortunate fathers suffer a feeling of inadequacy that they couldn’t do anything for their children. Hence the slightest opportunity that presents itself where they can make money, they snatch it. Who hasn’t heard of human greed?

Once the pressure comes down on the father to stockpile money for his son, the pressure goes up on the son to study, to pursue a career & to make an honest living out of his life. After all, he does not then have uske baapdaada ki jaaydaad to fall back on. Khud kamao khud khao. But these so-called simple solutions are very hard to implement. It needs a change of mindset. But attitudes don’t change overnight. It usually takes years & years of awareness & education.

The ones who don’t take a bribe in India become a laughing stock. There is a case in my husband’s own family. There are 2 people in the state forest dept. The older one is retired, the younger one still in service. Everyone laughs about how, sarkari kaam mein ‘uncle’ made no money; the other one is admired, “yane duddu madidarey gotta?” You know how much money he has made?!

A lady I know keeps grumbling about how her father didn’t make any money as a Jail officer, he did not make enough to even construct a house, & how he is still living in a leased place. What should’ve been a thing of pride is a source of great pain & shame. They’d rather the upright man had misused his position. They could’ve at least had their “own” house by now!

Unless this attitude changes, corruption can’t be controlled.

17 March 2011

Spending what you didn’t earn

Are women happier in traditional marriages where men earn & they stay at home & look after the man & kids? Are they more comfortable with the hallowed group of men that earns for them, the bread winners of the world? I know I never would be.

If the woman is not contributing to the family income, just dipping into it, there is a guilt that follows. She feels she is not bringing any money into the house, while he is “taking on the world” day in & day out; so he deserves to be treated like a king. No wonder then that she goes out of her way to serve her husband. From bringing his shoes & socks to him in the morning when he goes to work, to waiting on him while he eats, to bringing the towel once he bathes, to numerous other things all housewives do to delight their husbands, kyunki woh kamathe hai, ghar chalathe hai house & so is the lord of the house, yajamanru.

There are men who grudge their wives spending, especially in homes where they earn less. Once I saw a man in a store very excitedly shopping for shoes for his son & himself. His wife hung behind him, lamely. She kept looking very longingly at one of the sandals. She didn’t openly ask for them because it’d be like asking for the moon. He didn’t buy anything for her. He gave her a look that said it all, “For sitting at home why do you need sandals?”

This happened in 2002 in a small store in Koramangala 1st block where I lived at the time. It’s a one-off case I know, but I haven’t been able to erase it from my memory even after all these years. I keep thinking, there must be many more women who go through such experiences every day. I’ve come to realize that the only guilt free spending is with my own money.

There have been times when I wasn’t carrying cash on me. I’d suddenly sight a guy with his pull-cart & would want to buy a flower pot & turn around to Sathya & say, “U got change?” And he would be like, “Some other time ya, why now?” He has a way of making me feel all my expenses on books, plants, pillow cases, doormats, plastic items from roadside vendors & other knick-knacks are petty. (Aside: Booze & cigarettes are NEVER a waste of money!!). And I’ve a way of taking that very seriously. I’d feel so dependent on him at that moment that I’d want to kick myself for not carrying my purse everywhere. It sucks. So now I always stash away small change because I don’t want to hear a No again.

I find it hard to ask others to pay up after me. Even with my parents, I dreaded asking. With a spouse thoh it’s impossible. I can’t go, “Give me Rs 1000 I want to buy a dress”. I haven’t ever asked him money or told him to buy anything for me. If I like something & if I can afford it at the time, I go right ahead & buy it. If I don’t have the money, I wait, I save & then I go & buy that very same thing. The feeling that comes from purchasing something you wanted & for which you waited & saved is incredible. I freely & happily buy for him, though.

I earn, I spend. I like that. It has let me do the stuff I want to, without unwarranted interference. I value that very much. And I gladly put in the hard work needed to ensure the status quo remains. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s not an ego thing. It’s just the way I am wired. After all, it’s not about the money per se. A woman adding to the family income & thereof, to the process of wealth creation, improves the dynamic of the marriage. She can be more assertive. And this is exactly what most men don’t want.

04 March 2011

Would I have it in me ?!

I recently watched Gerard Butler’s movie ‘Law Abiding Citizen’. His character watches his wife being slashed to death & his little daughter being taken away to be killed, by two robbers who force themselves into his house one night. The murderer, the main accused, escapes with just 5 years in prison & his accomplice, who was only a witness to the gory crime, gets death row. It’s the deal struck by Butler’s lawyer with the murderer.

10 years later.

Butler butchers him by hacking him to death, limb by limb. He kills the judge who presided over the case; he kills the lawyer’s assistant who worked on the case. He kills each & everyone connected with the case, one at a time. The best part? He carries out all the murders while being kept captive in a prison cell!!


Hypothetically speaking, if I were to witness such gruesome murder or violence, my family being slaughtered to death in front of my eyes; what would I do? I’d no doubt hate the man with every cell in my body. I would want to kill him too. I would pray he suffers in hell. But would I wait for TEN years to get back at him? Would I be able to put my life on hold to get justice? To teach my lawyer not cut any deals with the accused? They say revenge is best served cold. Could I wait that long – 10 years to avenge my pain & grief? Would I have it in me?

It’s not a spur of the moment reaction. For any delayed vengeance, the anger has to be kept alive. The sorrow needs to be relived. The pain needs to be felt like it was still fresh. The instinct that drives such passion needs to be raw. And at the same time, one needs to plan the entire revenge. Strategize on tools, methods, dates & means of achieving that perfect murder. A well-executed plan of revenge demands great intellect with extreme unbridled passion coupled with a love that knows no boundaries. The agony has to be stroked & justice pursued with a single minded devotion & an all encompassing purpose.

Would I have it in me?

This is not a question of right or wrong. Hatred & love do not always lend themselves to the norms of morality. All I know is extreme love can give way to extreme hatred. One emotion can easily sustain the other. Hypothetically again, do I love my husband & daughter enough to want to avenge their deaths, if ever? Would I have it in me to see their tormentor being scorched to death?

Would I want to do it? YES. But more importantly, would I be able to do it? I am not really sure. Losing a loved one is an extremely traumatic experience. What one does at such situations no one really knows.