27 March 2012

Ugadi of 2012

This is a Ugadi special post - the festival that fell on the 23rd of March. Maharashtrians call it Gudi Padwa, Sindhis - Cheti Chand, Manipuris - Sajibu Cheiraoba & Punjabis - Baisakhi. Hindus believe that Brahma started creation on this day.

"Yuga Adi” means 'the beginning of a new age'. This has been a beginning of sorts - for me at least. In the South, the first Ugadi immediately after marriage is a very important one. Ours came after 6 long years!

Here’s a snapshot of our celebration. Whoever has read ‘A Regret’ would know why I am writing this post. This is a promise kept!

The day began with oil bath. We decorated the entrance of the house with mango leaves (traditionally, it signifies good crop & prosperity) These leaves are strewn together to make a garland and tied to the main door of the house

& immediately after that I set off on my mission to draw the first ever rangoli of my life!

This is me, mid-way during the design, sweating it out in the scorching morning heat with aching hands & legs doing something which looks very simple on the face of it

Here's the final cut - the fruit, err, design of my labour: Tanvi proud of her mother's once-in-a-lifetime burst of creativity!!

Followed by prayers at the nearby temple

and then at home in my mother-in-law's pooja room:

and eating of Bevu-Bella (ಬೇವು-ಬೆಲ್ಲ – neem-jaggery). The mixture has:

1. Neem – bitterness (taste) - Sadness (significance)

2. Jaggery – sweetness (taste) - Happiness (significance)

3. Green Chilli – hot - Anger

4. Salt – saltiness - Fear

5. Tamarind Juice – sourness - Disgust

6. Raw Mango – tang - Surprise

Why do we eat that? To show that life is a blend of different experiences & all of it must be accepted with the same grace throughout the New Year. I have to mention here that up until this point of eating the Bevu-Bella at around 11 a.m, I had eaten nothing since the time i woke up which is again a FIRST for me!!

Then my mother-in-law & I got busy with preparing the feast – Obbattu (puran poli/holige), obbattsaaru, maavinakai chitranna (a rice dish made from grated raw mangoes) & kosambri (salad). On the first day ONLY VEG! But that's ok. All I wanted to eat was the Holige & I held the record for eating the maximum number of holiges in one day which was THREE!

For those interested in knowing how to make it, here's an illustration!!

The second day is when we binged on non-veg & it is called Hosadadku.

Oh before i forget here's me with the bangles and the flowers!

And then here's are some pictures of the two temples that we visited

1. Armugam Temple with the panchmukhi Subramanya

2. Jyotirlinga Temple which houses replicas of the 12 lingas from all over the country

14 March 2012

Arrest My Husband

‘Arrest my husband’ – a shocking demand, isn’t it? What if it wasn’t a figment of my imagination but the truth? What if that is what, a once (deceptively) dutiful wife, wants? What if now, with revenge on her mind, she goes all out to ‘prove’ to the powers that be, that her husband & his parents, siblings/friends are all fiends & deserve a jail term, no less? What if such demands are increasing by the day? What if the law, the police, the twisted judicial system are all favoring her? Sounds out of a movie? It is not. This is what has happened in the life of a very close one in my husband’s family.

These cases are referred to as 498A meaning all dowry harassment related cases. I was not even aware of it until it hit SO close to home. And then we were all in shock! 3 years into the marriage, the woman turns around & slaps a 498 against her husband & family. Caught unawares, & still not believing what just happened, they are at first in denial until their son is roughed up by the police & they are asked to file for anticipatory bail. And this is happening by the dozen everyday (at least here in Bangalore).

Also read The Week – March 2012 Issue, page 43, the Nisha Sharma case – the girl who misused the 498 to stall her arranged marriage as she was already secretly married to her boyfriend!! And Bikram’s post here.

The 498 allows a wife to write a complaint of dowry harassment. The accused mentioned in the complaint can be immediately arrested without sufficient investigation (!!!) & put behind bars on a non-bail able terms. Even if the complaint is false (which is repeatedly accepted by High Courts & Supreme Court), you shall be presumed guilty until you prove that you’re innocent. !!! It is understood by all that this is a blackmail attempt by the woman when the marriage has failed. Most 498a cases end with a big demand for money to settle the case out of the court. (This has already happened in our case. They have thrown an obscene figure on our face.) As one lawyer states, “The moment she files a 498A against you, the balance of power shifts decisively in her favor. She is no longer a “weak” woman, an “Abala Nari”, but an avenging angel who has various corrupt branches of the government working on her side.” Many legal experts accept that it is an extortion racket.

The most important thing that all women must remember is what Madhu Kishwar, women’s rights activist says, “False 498A cases hurt the woman in the long run. She will be treated like radioactive material. Re-marriage would be a distant dream. Marriage of her siblings too would be in jeopardy. Who would want to marry off their girl into a house where a woman has terrorized her husband’s family? If it is filed at the instigation of close relatives, once the relatives get what they want, they will abandon the woman. The beneficiaries are the lawyers only.”

The sad part is if these false cases keep rising at the rate at which they already are, then that day won’t be too far away when even genuine complaints would be looked at with great suspicion & they may not get the full advantage of a law that was drafted to protect their interests & give them legal relief. Maybe that day has already come.

(The 498 Case Survival Kit:

http://ipc498a.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/a-guide-to-surviving-ipc-498a-apr-2008ci.pdf)


03 March 2012

I am a flirt

"I am a flirt" is a declaration you won’t hear too often, at least not from the womenfolk, definitely not publicly, & yet it remains one of the eternal truths of the workplaces I’ve been in; a willing & completely amused witness to the whimsical play of hormones. It doesn’t matter if we are single or not; most of us would’ve indulged in some form of positive flirting at least once in our lifetime.

Research says, “Healthy flirting helps workers remain happy & increases camaraderie”. The playful chuckle, the ‘I find you attractive’ vibe, the cubicle visits, the private jokes, the delirious giggle, the impish movement of the eye, things said/understood without words exchanged, the witty remarks – are, by & large, harmless & does happen in every office. It acts as a welcome break in a rather frenzied & stressful work environment. People even make efforts to look their best & don’t grudge getting ready for the ordeal called office.

However, the right attraction leading to just a light-hearted banter is a rarity. Some spread themselves too thin & abuse this relatively harmless office distraction. It turns distasteful when used in exchange for official favors; when you flirt with someone in a position of authority, and use your sexuality as your weapon to get what you want. Doing it over-the-top & with hidden agendas is what makes it tacky. “Some women flirt more with what they say, & some with what they do” said Anna Held. Once the physicality takes center stage, the flirtation takes on an altogether different hue.


Men openly & proudly wear the badge of a Casanova. They flirt to show off their masculinity, the ‘I am so-cool-I-can-chat-up-any-girl-I-want’ assertion, to confirm that their “market” is still alive. As for women:

“All women are flirts, but some are restrained by shyness & others by sense”.

Having seen the way some women have mastered the art, & indulge in it with consummate class, it makes me think it must indeed be a special skill, not easily given to everyone, & those that lack, are the ones who crib & turn moral police or don the role of the custodians of social decorum. At the other end of the spectrum, even the “sati savitri” type aunties flirt - during family functions, parties, marriages, in shopping centers & vegetable markets. What irks me is when they crucify only the young girls. You like it, you do it; why raise eyebrows when someone younger than you does it?

“No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to know that, there is a nice man who wishes, that she were not” - Henry Louis

Someone finds you attractive, pays you some attention – take it lightly, don’t take it to heart; don’t take it home either! The line between light flirtation & coming on too strong is very thin & it’s sometimes better to steer clear of disaster than playing with fire. One way to know if it has crossed any limits is to see if it makes you uncomfortable. If yes, be vocal about it to the person, through words & gestures & discourage it altogether to save yourself from unnecessary headaches in the future! Someone said it well:

“Flirting is the art of keeping intimacy at a safe distance”.

It makes one feel attractive, lends positivity but it takes two very mature individuals to set the boundaries & not cross the line.