What would I want to change about him?

He tends to keep what he is feeling to himself. I’d really love to hear the dreaded words, “Honey, we need to talk” or, anything else to that effect, to actually understand what on earth is going on, all the time, in that big head of his & which, no one, I repeat, no one is privy to. What is the big deal about not wanting to share? I can never figure that out. I keep telling him, he’ll one day fall sick with all those secrets & things he keeps buried in his heart & he says he’d prefer that to pouring it all out. Arrrgh!!

I’d like to change his eating & sleeping habits. Odd hours & inadequate sleep plus inordinate amounts of food gulped down at the wrong times is a sure fire recipe for extremely unhealthy. Does he listen to the in-house dietician/nutritionist, i.e. me? NO. Does it matter that I’ve read “Don't Lose your Mind, Lose your Weight” start to finish AND backwards & completely assimilated what Rujuta shared? NO. Does it matter that I offer my invaluable services absolutely free of charge to my only client, my one & only husband? No. What matters to him is: Cook lovingly, serve lovingly, rest leave it. Shobha De, you were right. You wrote the very same thing in “Surviving Men” But how can I live with the fact that I married a lean & fit man, who now increasingly resembles Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor or at least, that is what my worst fears are.

I hate his snoring too. And when I say that, I must be speaking on behalf of one half of the entire female population who feel that about the men in their life whether father/brother or husband!

I want to go down on my knee & plead to him, “Can we please, in the name of all the Gods you believe in, limit your passion, your love, your fervor, your devotion & your reverence, FOR BEER, to just the weekend? Can we come to a settlement that Monday to Friday is strictly No Beer Days?” And please stop saying I must have beer because there is an important match today or they won, so I need to celebrate or oh! they lost, so I need to mourn or today is the first day of salary, so time for beer or today is the last day of salary, so beer. No, please none of that already! I have had enough of your love affair with that bottle. (Mr. Mallya, if you are reading this, I hate you!!)

But frankly, I can & I’ve lived with all of that. I can still pardon it (if he ever gets around to reading this post, I can see him glowering, particularly at the word ‘pardon’) What I really want him to know is that, the basic function of a phone, irrespective of whether it is priced at Rs 3000 or Rs 30,000, is to make a call & receive a call, especially during an emergency.

And the definition of emergency is: whenever your dear wife calls! Unlike in the dark ages, when you received a telegram after the person was dead & buried, or, if you are lucky, while he was breathing his last, mobile technology & all the features & the hundred and more things it does, means nothing to me, your wife, if you don’t receive my call. No, seriously, I don’t care what miracles your phone is capable of doing. The only feature I’m interested in is the one that lets you receive my call. Excuses like ‘it was in my trouser pocket’; ‘I was too drunk to hear it ringing’ ‘it was in silent mode’ won’t work. If you are too busy downing one pitcher of beer after another, & have no time in the world to pick up your phone, please kindly do this just one time: take your phone out of your pocket, search my number, press the call button, & for heaven’s sake utter these precious words: “I’ll be late”. That’s all I ask.

And the change I want to see in myself? To stop expecting seeing any change in him!

Ah! Wait! But THAT I can’t do!

जब तक जान रहेगी, ये इन्तेहाँ रहेगी, की काश ...

which is Hindi for As long as I live, I will continue to wish …

How I Stayed Young and You Can Too

In the name of God, it was not like, one fine morning, I woke up & decided, “I want to remain young forever” &, went about making a list of things to do to stay young. In all honesty, it just happened! This post is a look-back at my life where I explore, what according to me, must have gone right.

I’ve realized that my negatives have actually turned out to be my positives! Here are some:

Walking: I can’t ride/drive. So I invariably use my feet & have walked miles & miles. Unlike Sathya who takes out a vehicle even to go to the shop right next door!

Water: I dehydrate easily. I might forget to take the marker to my training classes but not my bottle of water. And we all know water is an elixir.

Height: At 5’2” I am elfin. Shorter, slimmer people tend (mark that) to look younger. So my short stature gives people the impression that I’m young.

Smoking/drinking: I can’t stand the smell of beer/cigarettes. I don’t drink/ smoke. Never have!

Pregnancy: The time in a woman’s life when she gains weight & then struggles to shed it off. In my case, my mother had passed away, & my MIL didn’t care, so what was actually a traumatic experience emotionally, turned out (in retrospect) to be a boon otherwise. With no one to pamper & spoil me silly, no loving persuasions of “You must now eat for 2”, no overload of ghee/butter/sweets; I simply ate like I did before pregnancy - I ate for one person. Though I touched 63 kg by the ninth month, it was a weight that was normal & expected. Later on, though I didn’t once bend my body for post-pregnancy work-outs, there really was not much fat to be burned anyways.

(Note: Those who’ve excellent maternal/family care should thank God that they are receiving so much love. You’re blessed, I say. Just strike a balance though!)

Food: I don’t over-eat, I stop when I know I have to (ok, unless it is the ‘prasada’ that is given during Sathyanarayana Pooja). I listen to my body closely & can easily say, ‘No’ or ‘Enough’. Men are hopeless at this. They associate (well, rightly so!) food with love, & so when their dear mom or darling wife serves, they just can’t’ stop at 2 helpings & eventually end up with a paunch you can place tea cups on!

My lack of craze for pasta, pizza, pani-puri, chocolates, sweets, cold drinks has done me a world of good! My definition of good food is very simple: rice, sambar (curry), sabzi (vegetable side-dish) & if there’s fish fry, I’m on cloud nine!

Exercise: I hate it. And jogging. And walking. I hate anything that makes me break into a sweat! I’ve moved my limbs only twice with the express intent to be fit. But I’m fit because I’m active & the activity comes from playing. I play, easily & a lot, with children. You must give it a shot! After all, not many have the access or inclination for a gym membership. And show your middle finger to those who smirk, “Look at her, at this age, playing like a kid”

And now some positives:

My amazing gene-pool. That’s half the battle won.

My awesome metabolism. I can digest an elephant in a couple of hours! That’s how good it is.

I believe that age is just a number.

I love easy. I cry easy. I heal easy. Just like little children. Result? You stay young at heart because sometimes taking yourself too seriously does nothing but add carcinogens to your body.

Marriage is not just about buying grocery & gold. It is about intimacy & yet many let their physical longing for each other take a beating. Sometimes, that’s all the exercise you need!

Clothes play a big role in making us look old or young. ‘Dress according to your age’ is nonsense advice. How do we really know how old someone is? Who carries their birth certificate around their necks? So people’s perception of your age is just that – a perception. The right advice then is ‘dress according to your body type’. And whoever says 35 makes me ineligible to wear certain outfits, I’d say to them, GTH (go to hell). The only reason not to wear something is the awareness that it may not look good on you. And remember, whether branded or street wear, if it doesn’t suit YOU, it just ain’t worth it.

Thank God (I’m actually prostrating here), I’ve never been on any kind of medication. Many people gain weight simply because of the side-effects of medicines.

Oh, a parting tip: eat smaller portions. How? Switch to a smaller plate!!