28 May 2016

Turning 40

Exactly four years since my last post. And what is on my mind today? The New F word:

F for Forty, F for Fabulous

I know women getting maudlin at the threshold of 40. It’s like being in the last stage of cancer. It’s too much to handle, the calendar running away with our youth. I remember how jittery I was at 29 at the thought of turning 30. I felt weepy & depressed. Was there no stopping the clock? I kept wondering. Today, I’m eight months due for forty & actually, strangely, looking forward to it, planning to throw a big bash & announce to the world I’m 40!


I’ve never felt this good. Physically, body image insecurities have taken a beating. Slowly vanishing curves, protruding belly, tanned body from numerous road trips, falling hair, sagging skin - despite all this, I am unfazed. Are all 40 year olds this secure? My body confidence is definitely a boon of my advancing years. Or is it the certainty of death that has invigorated me?  Has it freed me from the bondage of other people’s opinion of me? I’ve been a prisoner so long! Time now to free myself! “Don’t sweat the small stuff” said Richard Carlson. Look at how many years it has taken me to get there.

“It took me 40 years to look this good.”

I’ve begun to question my own ideologies, to not be unsettled by the answers, to be shaken by the truth. I wasn't always this confident. Oh why not,I moan today! The years I’ve lost in trying to please people & confirm to their mould of how a woman from a certain place (Udupi) or caste (Shetty) or religion (Hindu) or profession (Teacher) behaves. “Lost myself trying to please everyone. Now I’m losing everyone while I’m finding myself" - Whoever said this, it echoes my sentiments perfectly. I finally know where I stand in my relationships with people – family, friends, and acquaintances. I can separate the grain from the chaff. And that knowledge, in itself, has been greatly liberating, saving this woman many a heartaches and needless stress.

“I’m 40 years old. I’m done with faking friendships & orgasms. Done”

Has the thought of turning 40 galvanized me? I’m finally unapologetic of my opinions, not ashamed of my desires. I abuse. I lust. I speak my mind. I think now I can surely punch people in the face, if needed. And simply dump the new found aggression at the door of my exploding hormones. I can beat my chest, puff it up & exclaim “Don’t you shhhh me anymore.” 

 “At middle age the soul should be opening up like a rose, not closing up like a cabbage.” John Holmes


To be able hear clearly our own voice amid the din surrounding us, to listen to the inner thoughts, to relish solitude, I believe TIME has already started its magical effects on me. Am I looking forward to my own end? Is that giving me wings to fly? Family taken care of, a child given birth to & raised, a husband well looked after, is it now time to let go? I hear doors of opportunities opening, for self-exploration, for trying out things, for dusting off the past, making one final, clean sweep. I’m looking ahead, ready to take chances, with people, & experiences, ready to let go. The lonely walk that was scary earlier is revered now.

47 comments:

  1. Sujatha, a good insight into life as we approach our 40s.This very much echoes my own thoughts but I still am a bit reluctant.Good piece and I look forward to reading some more sujatha.

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  2. Super as usual. 'Now I am losing everyone as am finding myself'...wow sentence. But you don't look like 40. It's good that you agreed to it and freed yourself. Definitely you not looking to end. You are naughty at forty....hahaha

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    1. Thanks Suraj :)
      That line is not mine :( I wish I had come up with that one :)

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  3. Good one Suj...I can identify with a atleast a few of ur thoughts..hope u can do what u have set ur sights on.. wishing all the best

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    1. Hey thanks Roshan :)
      I was wondering who the "unknown" reader is

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  4. Every age comes with its own pain and pleasures. And responsibilities. When we admit that, and are no longer constrained with our inability to get what we are no longer meant to, age is only a number, is what I feel.

    Destination Infinity

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  5. Glad that you are back after a really long hiatus...missed your lovely posts terribly and you just disappeared off the radar screen..happy that you are back with a bang!:-)
    Now I am mostly blogging in wordpress and my address is http://www.adsunsri.wordpress.com

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    1. hehehh ...thank you :)
      the plan now is to be regular

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  6. hmmm....so we have to wait till we turn forty so we can punch others freely? noting down in my diary...

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  7. I am 29 turning 30 in 5 months and I am not at all secure like what you are now! Freaking out as if I am numbered! :D Any advice ??

    I am so happy you came back Sujatha! Missed you a lot in the blogging space.

    PS: this is my first comment on your blog, but I have read every post of yours.. Breaking out of my shell these days:)

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    1. 29 is a precipice Sampada :D I was in tears back then...
      Just realized 'back then' here actually means ten long years :D

      thank you for being my reader :)


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  8. Welcome to club: here be mermaids...

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  9. What a delight to read this post! Congratulations for reaching the pinnacle of youth Sujatha! Wish you fulfill all the dreams that you longed for:)

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    1. Thanks Sir :)
      pinnacle of youth hehehe like that

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  10. It is odd but time teaches some great lessons....especially about whom to keep in our lives unapologetically and whom to keep out...

    Birthday wishes.

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  11. Hi,

    Congratulations! Your blog post was featured in the Tangy Tuesday Picks edition on May 31, 2016 at Blogadda.

    Please find it here:
    http://blog.blogadda.com/2016/05/31/tangy-tuesday-picks-blogger-diaries-indian-bloggers

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  12. Great Post!I can relate very much with this.

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  13. An absorbing post.Yes,the decade from forty is indeed fabulous and the final ascent to the peak before one slows down.Enjoy the most of this glorious part of life.
    Happy you have resumed writing and you intend to be regular.

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    1. Thank you :)
      Final ascent...heheh...like that

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  14. We have been friends for close to 5 years now, and I have learnt so much from you about life, and everything in general. Your enthusiasm and exuberance, is contagious. I wish you the very best in the newest phase of your life, and I hope you continue to live your life as you see fit. Never change. :)

    P.S: I am so sorry for such a late response, I had read the post as soon as it was published, but I couldn't leave a comment at the time.

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  15. Have a fantastic forty, Sujatha! I think, as we shed our younger selves we get shed of our fear of being judged and compulsion of conforming to others' notions too. And, who's to say we are ageing? It's just a number :-) I definitely feel more confident in my mid-thirties than I was ever.
    Hope, we get to read you more now :-)

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  16. thoughtful post
    with such confidence i am sure your future will be great
    last para says it all

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  17. Hey Sujatha!

    Presenting to you, the Leibster award! :P Do checkout my blogspost @ http://3cheers-to-life.blogspot.com/2016/06/leibster-award.html to flaunt the award and take it forward! :)

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  18. Great to see you again after a long gap.....Very thoughtful post and it seems straight from the heart....

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  19. Its always a delight to read your post.Your thought process is something which can be easily related to

    Life begins at forty...Enjoy new found "Yourself"

    Vinod Vyas

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  20. Where were you, girl? Missed seeing and reading your posts :) Welcome back again. You seem to be very confident and happy about turning 40. All the very best :)

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  21. Wow! Welcome back to blogosphere! It has been quite a long break there for you. And congratulations on hitting 40!

    Excited to have you back! Cheers to giving no fucks! :P

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  22. Happy Birthday (belated). Please remember forty is naughty.

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    1. hehe..i will be forty next Feb ..thanks for the wishes though
      forty sure is naughty

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