Letter to My First Born

 Dear Tanvi

This is the second time I am writing to you. I had written to you, once earlier, about how I had met your father. 

I had also expressed, in a post not addressed to you, what I had felt, for the longest time, with respect to having a second child. The only reason I could think of, back then, to go for a second child was to be able to give you a sibling, for companionship. 

But all three of us, Sathya, you and I, were not in favor of a second one, particularly YOU. You always said, very categorically, that you didn’t want any sister or brother. You commanded both of us to love you and only you. You insisted that you alone were enough for us. You were firm in your opinion that you had enough friends to play with and I needn’t worry about companionship issues. You knew you didn't want to be bothered with helping clean a new "dirty" baby. This was how you felt as recently as the beginning of this year.

Your reactions had vindicated us somehow. See, she doesn’t want, then why should we? She is enough for us. So, for ten long years, I was on IUCD because none of us wanted a new member in the family, 

And now, when you are 11 years old, we learnt that you are going to be a big sister! Next year!

 You have always had friends of all age groups – Surya and Siddharth the brothers are just 4 and 6 years old, Sonith is 5 years old. I have seen you playing with even smaller kids in the park. But the two weeks of summer vacations spent in your grandfather’s apartment complex – meeting and playing with Vedanth has stirred something in you. You have spent hours playing with little Vedanth, who runs to you and roars with laughter. You actually told me, when you heard from me the 'shocking news' that I was carrying, "Amma, keep the baby. I don’t care if it is a boy or a girl or a transgender" (wait, where did you learn that word!!!). From a child who was very adamant about not wanting a sibling to now this seemingly grown up, mature girl who is very clear about keeping the baby - THAT is the change that prompted us to realize that this baby is a welcome addition. What has changed is now YOU WANT a sibling.

And I am feeling more convinced, as each day passes, that this awkward gap of almost twelve years between your sibling and you is actually a blessing. (Someone remarked, hearing about my ‘accidental’ pregnancy, “Jisko Aana Hota Hai Woh Aake Hi Rahega” - One who has to come, will come, no matter what). If I had had the second child earlier and by all probability I would have had if I hadn’t been on IUCD for so long, I would have had to take care of two young children. And that would have driven me nuts. Now that you are on your own, independent and strong, I can concentrate on the new baby. Your strong desire to have the baby has pushed me to cherish this unexpected pregnancy.

The reason to go for a second child this late in life (at 40) is because I can see you taking care of another life. And I want to see it. I want to lie down and look at my two children, cuddling and playing with each other. I can see myself as a mother hen as I write this. I can also relive all the moments with you and take you through your own development, with this baby. Taking care of an expectant mother and a new born – you are about to shoulder a huge responsibility, my dear. I hope and pray, quite selfishly so, you are going to be the mother I missed during my first pregnancy/delivery. You are going to be my source of strength and motivation that I lacked earlier. Last time, I remember constantly consoling myself with the lines of the famous Hindi song that went “Jiska Koi Nai Uska Toh Khuda Hai Yaaro” (God is with the person who has no one else). I was alone and God was with me then. This time, he has said he is busy handling more critical cases and has left me in your care. You are God’s own assistant to me.

Love you, 

Amma