Shortcut To Happiness

No, this post is not a sermon on how to find happiness in your life. I am the last person to have any kind of clarity on the topic. The whole "find happiness in the smallest of things" is really not my type of logic anyways. This post is about the movie by the same name and how and why it has stayed with me even after all these years. 

So, have you seen the movie Shortcut to Happiness? If you haven't and you blog, you must watch it.

It is about this exceptionally gifted but small time writer (Alec Baldwin) who pledges his soul to the devil (Jennifer Love Hewitt) in exchange for fame and money and becomes one of the best-selling authors.

But slowly his writing suffers. His 2-3 best friends and genuine readers cannot read his "popular" books anymore because it lacks quality and they tell him so but he doesn't even have time to listen to them because he is so caught up with his new readers who are in millions now.

He has it all - readers, money, huge number of published books - everything he ever wanted and then he realizes that actually, he never really wanted any of this. All he ever wanted was a reader who responded to his writing and connected to his words. He was happier being an unpublished writer who wrote brilliant stuff whose real readers actually read him.

In the beginning of my blogging journey, way back in 2010, for one whole month or so, or longer than that perhaps, I caught myself obsessing over Alexa Rank, comments, number of readers, and number of followers, page views, so on and so forth. I even compared it with others. I sometimes returned comments and visits for the sake of it. And this is the shameful part, I wondered why some common readers don't read me but read others. I frequently doubted the quality of my blog, and asked repeatedly was my blog not nice. I worried that though I was nearing 2 years, I was still at 85 posts in 2012. I was caught up in this indivotes (votes that your post gets on a bloggers network called indiblogger), statistics, followers, widgets, and the world of other bloggers. I lost myself somewhere, bit by bit and I was so aware of it.

I had forgotten why I had actually started blogging. I had started blogging to quiet my mind. I was constantly in a monologue with myself and I had to find a way out of it - the constant chatter in my head. It was like I was always talking, even when there was no one else in the room or mostly then! Today, almost 7 years later, with a four year break in the blogging journey, it feels great to be in a space of contentment. Now that I am almost 134 posts old (nine on my travel blog and 125 here on this one), I have often gone back reading my older posts. They always bring a smile of joy. I surely find it amusing that there was a phase where I felt a particular way about a particular issue.

Interestingly, many of those emotions and opinions that I put forth in my earliest posts are still true today! Even after 7 years!  Or maybe, seven years is really not that long a time for a person to have a drastically different opinion on the same issue. Maybe, the number seven is a landmark number for married couples only, what with the itch and all the accompanying troubles. 

So, sometimes, I wonder, what would it be like, reading posts of 2010, say in 2050? Would I be ashamed? Not, I hope. 

A Milestone

10^th April 2010 was when my first post was published. ‘Conversations’ has turned 2 today & this is my 100^th post! Happy? You bet! I’m glad I gave blogging a shot. But I also couldn’t help worrying, “It took me 24 months to write just 100 posts!! Why couldn't I write more?”

This milestone is a big deal for me as I’m not a gifted or a ‘natural’ writer. I take so much time to write a single post, barely managing to write 4 posts in 30 days! I know many who can literally type their mind out on a weekly, daily, & hourly basis. I can’t. Even if I did, I don’t think there is a post yet that I’ve published just right off the head. I keep chewing on it, pondering over it endlessly. Then, once I’m done typing out all the thoughts, I sit & bring down the 2 pages of that initial draft to just a page. To chop off sentences from your article is not easy. We tend to cling to them. As K.R Narayanan said, ‘it takes a lot of heartlessness to “murder your darlings.” I’m beginning to think I’m a very good murderer - an average writer with above average editing skills.

Blogging has been the precious pair of attentive ears that I’ve always wanted. Other than what it has done to my mind, I think the great thing about it is the people I "met." I’m lucky (touchwood!) that most of my readers are really nice & decent. I’ve heard of the creepy-crawlies that plague the blogs of women & considering that I write a lot of personal stuff, it’s a relief not to be hounded by such seedy characters.

I owe my wonderful readership to Indiblogger which I joined in July’11 & until which time I only had 2 readers - Suzaan & Suraj!! Then Prashanth came to & through him came Sahana who was the one who got me to join Indi. Thank you Prashanth for discovering my blog. Thank you Sahana for being my blog angel, & for guiding me on many aspects of blogging. Thank you Hemant & Murali for your valuable critique of my blog on Indi. It was Hemant’s feedback that made me think hard on having a blog name & switch from ‘Sujatha Sathya’ (ya…eeks!!) to ‘Conversations’! It was a time when I didn’t even know that there was a thing called blog name! Yup, I was pretty dumb!

What I learnt in the 2 years of blogging:

One must appreciate a reader’s time & effort when he reads/responds to a post. I don’t understand those that say, “More people should read me. I’m good” & accuse readers of being on this give & take system of reading a blog. I ask: why not? You want me to read you & you won’t read me?!!? Why boss? You think you are Shakespeare?

If you want to show your appreciation of my writing, don’t tell me I’m a good writer. I won’t believe you anyways! Just read me. This applies to ANY blogger. You like him, read him. Simple! Those that I like or built a rapport with, I’ve even gone backwards & read their older, initial posts. There are blogs that I’ve read COMPLETELY! That’s my way of saying: ‘I like that you make the time to read me regularly. Thank you would be too small a word to express myself. I read you because you write well, I connect to it, keep writing’.

For a long time (3 full months!), I obsessed about the number of followers/comments/page-views/statistics/ranks etc And then one day, realized I was running in the opposite direction. The disappointment over my own obsession with the number thing was so much that I became detached from it. Pretty early I must say. And eventually it stopped mattering so much. I learnt to distinguish a real reader from a passer-by & that the reason to blog cannot be the numbers game.

Recognition

19th July 2011 – a date I won’t forget! A good one hour siesta, & a cup of hot tea later, as usual at around 5p.m, I sat at my system & opened my blog.

In my latest post “A couple & an office” I noticed there was a new comment. As I read, I was ….! Still! And then, there was this big flutter in my heart! I was overjoyed!

Am I really seeing this? My name listed in the Directory of Best Indian Blogs! My blog is one of India's best blogs? It had names of established writers like Shobhaa Dee, Shekar Kapur, Rajdeep Sardesai….oh my! I found it incredible.

No, I didn’t want to pinch myself because I didn’t want to wake up to reality! If it’s just a figment of my imagination, so be it. What an imagination! But it was true. I was also thrilled to see names of bloggers who I religiously follow like Rachna Parmar (whose blog was rated Excellent, isn’t that great?) and B Log.

I immediately rang up Sathya & told him about it. He didn’t jump with joy. How do I ever get him to be excited about my writing endeavors?

Anyways, I did the dishes in the evening, with a song in my heart. Usually, it’s a very mechanical act. But today was different. I swear I could’ve endorsed Vim, Sparkle, Sabina, Mr. Muscle, any liquid detergent brand you name, with great gusto. I was a professional dishwasher.

I was touched, because all this while, my blog was only an escape route, a ‘vent it out’ medium for my crazed brain. I realized that writing wasn’t as easy (yes, even if it is to only rant & rave) as some people think or assume it is. I took to blogging a full One Year after I quit my job, at age 33! It was simply to fill my time & days. I am no writer; so never in my wildest dream did I ever think that I would come this far.

I am humbled.

I know I am saying way too much & feeling way too much but for ME, it really is way too much!

What is your Hobby?

Oxford dictionary defines hobby as ‘an activity that you do for pleasure when you are not working’. Does that mean work is not pleasure? Alternatively, can something you do for pleasure also bring in the dough? Can your hobby become your profession & when it does, will it stop being a hobby?!

In school, my classmates had amazing hobbies – collecting coins, stamps, pens, peacock feathers (!), sketching, painting, crochet & so on. Impressed by a philatelist’s album, I tried my hand at collecting rare stamps. A year or two into it & a few ‘Gandhis’, & ‘Rajivs’ later, I stopped going after stamps & switched to coins. After the first few paisa, put a happy end to that too. My coin collection had started resembling a beggar’s bowl.

I began to worry that I had no hobby to boast of before friends. All I did, after & away from school, was garden. I liked the texture of soil on my hand. I liked putting seeds & saplings into the ground, making a mound of earth around it, sprinkling water & then, every day, bending over, & waiting patiently for the first burst of life to appear. The first sprout of leaf is so delicate, tender & exquisitely beautiful. It was my reward.

But gardening wasn’t a ‘cool’ hobby. There were girls whose hobby was cooking (eeeww) & they made it look cool. I wanted to elevate gardening to the cool status too but I wasn’t good with words. I could not articulate my love for it. So, in school, I’d go for the ‘safe’ option: What’s your hobby? Reading. It never attracted any criticism or even an attention. It was a harmless hobby!

A decade later, all those reams of A4 sheets that went into printing my resume carried the following lines:
Hobbies: Movies, Theatre, Travelling, Reading

I like doing all of these – whether it is travelling to a new place, reading a book, watching a theatrical performance or even a movie. It makes me happy. It satiates my thirst for constant entertainment. It stays with me long after the activity is over.

But none of these require any effort on my part; only money :)! Blogging, I can safely say, is my first ever ‘real’ hobby. It is therapeutic in some strange ways & I am doing it with great zeal. And coming at age 33 this is quite something, I must say.

Why Writers Write

I felt happy to read the comments of my gracious friends for my blog posts, some on the blog itself & some in my mail box. Thank you! I even checked the number of my profile views. 42! Ah good! Tell me, is that narcissistic?

Do writers write for others or themselves? Do they write because there’s something in their head or because they want to be read? What is the primary motivation– readers’ reactions OR our urge to write? Their encouragement in the form of positive feedback and words of appreciation OR our own judgment & drive to continue writing?

If I write, and not many or, let’s say no one reads, what does it mean? Does it mean my writing is wasted? Or it isn’t good enough? Or maybe I don’t have many friends? Three evil thoughts.The last thought feels better of the three. Strangely comforting! It’s like saying not having friends is not my problem, not writing well is. That’s why no one reads my blog. Aha! Relief!

A writer writes because he has something to say, to share. The words “say” & “share” presupposes that it’s being said “to” or shared “with” someone. That “someone” could be friends he knows or complete strangers. If and when someone reads &responds, {whether to agree or disagree, like or dislike}, it feels good. It feels like there was a live exchange of thoughts. Like in a real conversation.

When you talk to someone, you’d like that person to respond. Through words, gestures, eyes – any which way. But respond he must. Even if the response is ‘one tight slap’ MTV style – so be it. Otherwise, you’d rather move on & converse with another person instead.

So it is with writing. When what you write echoes in another human heart(or stomach or liver or pancreas or any other organ – koi bhi organ chalegabhai!!) it brings a smile to your face. Involuntarily.Deeply cherished.

So does that mean a writer will stop writing if no one reads? May be.Maybe not. The compulsion to write comes from within. You can’t preordain the time/day/age/medium. You don’t really know when & what & where you will write. You just write.
But yes the added motivation to go on tirelessly comes from without. From people who choose to read you. And from those who choose to react to what they read. It propels you. Sustains you. It’s like the drizzle that satiates you. And you can go on again. If the responses stop, perhaps the enthusiasm will eventually, slowly, very slowly ebb. Fizzle out gradually. Not overnight. The writer must be really weak-kneed to dry out too soon!

A writer writes first & foremost out of his own need to write. And then, feels glad, for the reactions that come his way. Whether the reaction he receives are good or bad, positive or negative, it doesn’t matter. Any reaction. As long as there is one!!

Aakhir Kyun ?!?

I started blogging because I have this habit of talking incessantly. What’s weird about that you ask? Listen further. I talk incessantly to myself. All in the head. When I am alone. All by myself. I guess I got it from my father. He used to talk a lot too. But then that was because he was drunk most times!

Then why do I talk alone? Aakhir kyun? Psychological problem? Could be. I definitely think we so- called ‘normal’ people aren’t all that normal after all. The ones in mental asylums have fewer phobias/problems than we sane people do. Agree with Yogaraj Bhatt there. Remember “Manasare”? Uppi also said this much before him in “A” released ages back.

So, well … I keep talking in my head. On almost every conceivable subject on earth. If you could record my head, the recorder would coolly playback endless conversations. Long drawn monologues. Spirited, mind you! The conversations are never dull. Always forceful. When I am moved by something, the outpourings begin. Even though what moves me could be something as mundane as the lighter of my gas stove or as remote as Star Cruises or as abstract as Utopia.

Then, one day, when our T.V remote “died”, I once again started talking in my head. This time, however, I got up & put it down on paper. Word to word. Just as I was saying it in my head. No editing. Free flow of words. Thinking aloud. Putting pen to paper. Quite out of the blue.

And then I asked myself, “Can I publish this stupid, one- page crap, say in a newspaper/magazine or even a leaflet?” NAAAAH!!

Then it struck me. Why don’t I just blog it? Blogs do welcome all & sundry. You needn’t have a course in creative writing or be tech savvy or intellectual to be a blogger. If you are all or any of these, good for you! But then you don’t HAVE to be! All you have to be able to do is put pen to paper. Quite literally. And if you are passionate about things around you, it HELPS!

So that’s how I started blogging. No agenda. No creativity. No “writer in the making” business. Just plain “recordings of my head” stuff.

The best part is, it has actually helped ‘calm’ my restless mind. Is this how psychos feel when they talk to their shrink? If so, I am with you guys. After all, I am one too!!!