My Biggest Fear

I used to be petrified of my future, in the past. When I was younger, all I feared was not having money when I grew older. In my 20’s, I dreaded financial dependence. I was scared of having to ask someone else for money. The money could be for anything, for meeting my daily needs, for buying clothes, for going out, for donating to a cause I believe in, for eating out, for travelling, for ordering in, a zillion things. 

I was so afraid of my unseen future that I would save. I was an obsessive, compulsive saver. I did not want to have to beg anyone for money. That meek look on my face, the extended arms, the seemingly endless wait, the anxiety of rejection – all these accompanied a request for money. I did not want to go through it. I have seen men making their women wait before they doled out the cash. Some perverse pleasure in watching the dependence. 

Today, at 48, I am in the future, that I always wondered about, in my past. I retired at 45. And yet, I am not financially dependent. No, I don’t ask anyone for money to fulfill any of my needs. In fact, even though, it has been three years since my last full-time job, I have been living off my savings and even help run the show at home. The thing I feared, that thing never came to pass. My worst nightmare never materialized and boy, am I glad!

I am joyful and content today. I feel all those years of slogging my ass off and saving and struggling and taking on all the responsibilities of a job, house, family, child, all of the sweat and tears paid off. Today, when I nap in the afternoon for an hour, when I read a book, when I do gardening, when I cook what I like to eat and feed my family and not only cook but cook well and happily too, when I stretch my body for a bit of online yoga, when I chant mantras and shlokas, I feel at peace. I feel my life did amount to something. That, finally, it all added up well. 

I read somewhere that the real luxuries of life are sleep, freedom to travel, peace of mind, a siesta, an evening walk, leisurely late Sundays, home food, good clothes, doing what you like when you like. All the things that we take for granted or never value when we are young. 

I like the person that I have become. The old me is a happy me, a content me. The young me was really terrified of how things would turn out eventually. I would constantly worry. As a youngster, I was mortified that my life may go from bad to worse. What if this happened? What if that happened? The what ifs never came to be. Thank God for that. It is a divine kripa (blessing) that your 40’s are fulfilling and peaceful and relaxed.

Does it happen often, that what we fear the most, never fructifies? Given the fact that I am a compulsive overthinker, it can be traumatizing visualizing a future so dark. But in the end, things turned out well. At least, so far.

I remember a school friend once remarked that I am someone who likes to be in control. Yeah, right! I do. The fact that at 48, I have not lost my marbles, yet, and that I still call the shots in most areas concerning my life and that I can still afford, money-wise, to do what I like, even if it is just a relaxing facial once a month, yeah, that is satisfying.  

Needless Fear

I had this conversation with my daughter recently. She told me since her class teacher hadn’t come, they were taken to some other class. She sat with her classmates in the front row but Rakshit called her to sit with him. She first refused, but later sat with him.

She is just 4. The boy, around 5 years old, is in UKG. Every time she talks about him, she has this smile. Some days back, he’d told her, “I like you”. Once, he’d even winked at her! I felt uneasy. I didn’t like what I had heard. It worried me. When I said, I’ll tell Sathya about this, she panicked & covered my mouth tightly, begging me not to tell him, eyes filling fast with little droplets. She had confided in me. Fearing she wouldn’t let me in on her life, if I “complained” to her father, I let it go. When Sathya had heard about the winking incident, he’d flown into a rage & had warned her not to talk to the ‘bad boy’.

In spite of all this, she had sat with him!

But why should that make me uneasy? What is it that, I as a mother, am afraid of? Can’t she sit with her schoolmate who happens to be a boy? What is there to fear in this seemingly harmless incident?

The fear is, growing up, what if a boy, any boy, touches her inappropriately? What if he touches her hand, her face? What if, later in life, she gets hurt, first physically & then mentally because of one bad experience with a boy? Deep down, in the darkest recesses of their mind, are parents scared that their girl may become pregnant & end up scarred for life? All that parents want is to marry their princess, so she can experience the joy of love within the secure environment of a marriage. The “good” boy, thoroughly scanned & certified by them, should be the only man in her life. Am I like one of these parents too?

Is this seemingly needless worry a passing phase? Or does this feeling stay with them till she is packed off to her husband? Do all parents go through this phase? Does the rich mother in America feel the same way? And the poor father in China feels it too? I don’t know, but my instinct says, “yes”. This must be one of those universal truths, transcending class, country & age. All parents must feel this way; more so the fathers. The difference is, they express their distress & go into a fit of rage in an instant.

In Heyy Babyy, there’s a dialogue where they say, “hum jaisa kameena koi iska boyfriend ho toh?” Is that what Sathya fears for his daughter? Is that why most men guard their daughters’ lives with extreme caution, almost remote controlling it sometimes? They fear she might land up with an ass-hole of a man like their own self?! Are they protecting her or trying to atone for their own sins?

We can’t let our love-born to go through an emotional hell. We can’t let a boy wreak havoc in her otherwise happy existence. We can’t let him take away her sunny smile. No, can’t let him to do it. We won’t let him do it. What can I do so my child is safe? How do I tell her to wait till she is married?

The last generation fell in love in their 20’s. Our generation felt the first rush of infatuation in our teens. This generation seems to be tuned in pretty early. I am about to have sleepless nights from now on.

My Worst Nightmare

The worst thing that can happen to a relationship is when two people no longer have anything to say to each other. It happened in my first relationship. After knowing him for eternity, we reached a point where we had nothing to talk. We had nothing to even fight about. It was my worst nightmare. No talking, no fighting. No agreements, no disagreements. No suggestions, no objections. We just lived. Like that only!

It startled me initially. I didn’t think I could be so placid about life. Mondays rolled into Tuesdays and so did one month into another. And before I knew it, we were well into our 9th year of having first met each other in college. A decade of knowing & caring for each other had gone by. He hadn’t changed in all these years. Neither had I. So what had changed? Why did I leave everything behind?

Why did I move on?

He was an honest, hardworking, patient man. He loved me. He took good care of me, was extremely responsible; an ideal family man. He was an excellent cook & was, in fact, my first tutor in the kitchen. It was he who taught me how to make rice & chicken & tea. I hate cooking, still do. All I knew when I had come to Bangalore was to make an insipid sabzi & watery dal. He was my man, best friend, brother, father, husband, cousin, boyfriend all rolled into one.


Then why did I move on?

It’s difficult to decide who one should finally marry. There are far too many things to consider - his pay, education, family, food preferences, career, age, and health. This is the traditional approach to marriage, & the safest one too. It has one of those shock absorber logic to it.

I remember reading somewhere that you should marry a man you would want to spend your holidays with. Plain & simple, isn’t it? It’s one piece of great advice for people about to tie the knot. Ask me.

I have been in love twice (‘serious’ love!) & both the times, it’s been with men who at the time were earning less than me. They were also less qualified than me in terms of educational degree & work experience. But it never struck me as significant issues. I cared two hoots (still do, by the way) for what a man earned. After all, I can earn just as much too, if not more. Who needs his money, anyways? As for the degrees, a degree is not an indicator of a man’s worth or character. I didn’t care about those either.

What did I care for, then? I cared if we could talk. I mean, you know really, really talk. Would I want to spend the Sunday lazing around the house with him? Would I look forward to our holidays & trips together? Would I feel happy even if we were just window shopping on an entire ‘off’ day? Having seen all the malls, all the theatres, all the amusement parks & all the pubs in the city, would there still be something we could do together? Would there still be that one place somewhere that we could go & have a great time? Would I be able to look forward to the little things of life? Would I be able to look beyond the salary, the furniture, the food, the clothes, & the utilities of everyday life? Would I be able to stop ‘existing’? Would I be able to truly L I V E?

That is why I moved on.