Divorce

I didn’t marry the first guy I loved. I love the guy I married. Had I married B and then felt suffocated, which I am sure I would have, divorce would have been a messy option. 

It is interesting that second relationships or marriages have a stronger chance of endurance than a first relationship or marriage, especially one that happened at a young age. This post comes in the heels of having just finished reading ‘Committed’ by Elizabeth Gilbert. I read the book a few years back and wrote a draft of this post back then! The book dwells upon the institution of marriage and its history and what makes it so desirable and in some cultures, essential.

For me, marriage hasn’t been a sacred or religious entity. It wasn’t so when I almost got married to the guy I fell in love with in college nor when I finally actually got married to Sathya. Though I respect all the customs and rites involved in a Hindu wedding, the force that wants me to believe in marriage, and one that is still binding me to Sathya, is not that.

Had I felt as strangulated and gasping for air with Sathya as I felt with B, I am sure I would have considered living on my own and not been in a marriage that had turned into a farce. I am fortunate it doesn’t feel so. And I also understand and know that for many women, and even men for that matter, marriage can be debilitating. Sometimes, we all feel like the wild animal that has been caught by the ring master of a circus. He has no choice but to perform. 

Most Asian and Middle-Eastern cultures regard marriage very highly. Children, family, social responsibilities are built into the expectations of a young adolescent. The ultimate aim is to “settle down.” For the woman, the search is on to find a man who earns well and can afford to look after his wife and kids financially. For the man, to find a wife who will cook well and raise well-behaved kids. So naturally, divorce is an extremely stigmatized word.  Why couldn’t the woman have adjusted? That is the first question people ask.  

I have thought of that option too, many times, over a 13 year marriage. Misunderstandings and fights and the isolation and that ‘being alone’ feeling that follows makes us think of divorce as a solution. If we move apart, live far away from each other, we reason, at least one of us can be happy. I have said this explicitly to Sathya “I will work and take care of the children, you please live peacefully at least from now on as we have messed up each other’s lives for so many years. Be a free bird”. You would think a man would want to hear that. He would be waiting for it. A bird is the ultimate symbol of freedom. But even that bird flies back to its nest as the sun sets. Every one of us longs for the security of a place we can call home. Many men are like that.

If a relationship is about repeated fights, constant misunderstandings, endless anxiety, continuous worry, what is the point of being together? I walked out of one relationship and into another in the hope that each fight would be better than the last; that as the sun sets, you would still want to be with each other, that being together was a better option than being alone or apart. Thank God, it is!

What would He want to change about Me?

Suj,

Resign from immediate effect from your self appointed post of Task Manager. I’ll repair the TV/computer/all other machines/ pay the utilities & do other necessary stuff around the house. But I’ll do it depending on my MOOD & not on the urgency of the task at hand. This “late latheef” attitude always gets us into bigger troubles & unnecessary headaches. I agree. But well, even so, I’ve decided. My mood will decide what has to be done when!


Yes, sometimes, a quick 5 minute fag session with a pal can actually run into an hour. Don’t call & ask every 15 minutes, "What happened?” Or “Where are you? What are you doing?" Just as you wouldn't want me to call you up when you’re in the parlor, I don’t want you to call me when I’m with very important people (VIP) doing very important things (VIT). If it helps, recall, how once you marched off to the salon saying, "Oh, just 10 minutes work. Only eyebrows" and didn't reappear till an hour or 2 later. Also, can't a man go out without his wife giving him a list of home provisions to procure? When I go to get cigarettes, you say, "Can you get coriander leaves? Please!” When I go to get beer, you say, "Can you get bay leaves? Please!" This running errands thing - not happening!

When there is a match, you can't stand in front of the TV & ask inane questions like, "Sattu, did you pay the electricity bill?” This is not the time for you to ‘remind’ me that last month I had totally forgotten to pay it & they had cut off the connection!! You can't assign utterly useless & wrongly timed tasks like, "Oh, the tomatoes are over, I can't make the curry. Can you get ¼ kg tomatoes?" And when I say, "No", you can't go into an explanation overdrive saying, "But you can take the bike & come back in 2 seconds (2 seconds!! Yeah right!!) I’ll have to walk!" You are forbidden from these acts henceforth. And no, don't look at me like that. We are NOT going to 'reconsider' this matter.

At the dining table, when I exclaim, ‘Masha Allah’ it means the food tastes amazing, pure delight. This you know already. Now please understand that I can't say it every single day or for every single meal. So you can’t go, "How's it?" on me every time, everyday. Interpret my silences better. Ok, let me help you. See, when I’m eating it silently, it means one of 3 things:

1. The food is tasty enough but I’m not in a mood to write a poem on it.

2. I am SO hungry that no matter how it is, I’ll polish off the whole plate. Or I’m too busy Eating to heap praises. So don’t peer into my eyes. Or stare at my plate to see how fast or how slowly the food is disappearing from it. The food is good & I just want to eat it silently without a performance appraisal.

3. I really have no choice but to eat it, right? So I am eating it.

Get the codes?

Getting me the towel after my shower is not a crime. My mother did it. So can you. No, I do not want to hear your on-the-spot, oral presentation on your imaginary doctoral thesis titled "Social Conditioning of Indian Men over the Centuries & the Battle of the Towel" I’ll not take my towel when I go to shower. I want you to bring it to me. Period!

During our fortnightly/monthly/yearly major fights, you must keep your volume LOW. We are fighting, not competing for the prize of ‘Who is the loudest”.

Ok, now onto one of your pet peeves: discussing things! No, we can’t talk shop when

I'm IN office

I've just returned FROM office

I'm HAVING dinne

I'm ABOUT TO go to bed

No, we can’t do so on weekends, not on public holidays either. Then when do we talk? You ask. Good question. My answer: We have been married for 7 years now. Figure that out yourself. But hey no matter what you arrive at, basically here's the deal: we can do so when I want to which is generally – "Tomorrow"!

from Sathya

8 Marriages & 2 Oscars

That’s how, one of the media features on Elizabeth Taylor, described her life, after her death recently. It caught my attention. I thought it was odd to summarize a person’s life that way; two major milestones – marriage & career – numbered!!

Taylor was an accomplished actress, a mother, a fashion/style icon, was infamous for possessing some of the most incredible pieces of diamond jewelry, & had also worked towards AIDS. None of that mattered now. Her seven husbands & eight marriages did! Ok, the 7-8 because she had married Richard Burton twice! After 10 years of marriage, the couple divorced. 16 months later, they remarried. 10 months later, they were divorced a 2nd time!

The thing I found fascinating about Elizabeth was she always ‘officially’ married the man she loved. She could have easily had one of those flings/one-night stands/affairs, whatever you call it, with the person she was so passionately attracted to. She need not have committed herself into an institution. But she did. She didn’t just love & leave. She married.

We humans still find it abnormal, strange that a woman should or can have more than one husband. [Aside: animals seem to be quite okay with a female having multiple mates!!]. And if any woman has had, then, invariably, only that becomes the highlight of her life.

Would a man be described similarly? “Mr. NMY - 5 Marriages, 7 Live-ins, 4 Divorces, 20 kids, and 1 Oscar”? No, probably not. Why not, I wonder!? Why is marriage the identity definer only for a woman? Men tend to become more responsible, mature, and caring after marriage. Marriage has that sobering, settling effect on them. Well, at least, I believe it does! So, shouldn’t it be a differentiator essentially for a man than a woman? I know women who have totally and completely submerged their identities with their husbands’ and are seemingly happy about it. They never fail to fascinate me!

By the way, what would MY last line be? Woman married to the same man for X years? Ha! I am not quite sure if I want to be remembered just or only as Sathya’s wife. Of course, it is an important aspect, very important, of my life. But it’s just that I have done things without & in spite of him too. He came into my life when I was 28. A major portion lived, without even knowing, he existed.

How I met your father

Dear Tanvi

In a few years from now, you may wonder about love, romance & marriage. You had innocently asked me once where you were when your father & I met. I’d told you that you were in the sky then & came in much later. You were busy playing with God when we met each other & then God sent you into my stomach & you came into our lives.

Today, I want you to know how your father & I met; and how we went on to get married.

I was working in UTL in Whitefield since Sept 2004. Your father joined the company in March 2005. I remember the day I saw him for the 1st time. I was at my desk. I stood up & turned around to get a print. That’s when I noticed a tall, well-built man, formally dressed, standing outside Carol’s cabin (Admin mgr). He had curly, wet (?!) hair. What I can never forget is his ‘nasheeli’ eyes - big, dark, round eyes. Hypnotic. There was a soft “wow” in my head. I turned away. He must be one of the vendors, I thought. I forgot all about him.

A week later, he reappeared. Apparently, that day he had come for an interview. He was now Carol’s assistant & was going to be seated in the workstation right behind mine. I later learnt that, the previous night, he was so drunk, that the next day when he finally made it to the interview somehow, he was suffering from a very bad hangover. So much for his ‘nasheeli’ eyes!

He enjoyed female attention. He loved cracking jokes & generally playing to the gallery. The 4-5 girls who were seated in the same bay, always surrounded him & laughed at all his silly jokes & ‘ooh- aah’d at all the songs he played on his system. I hated him. I thought he was one BIG show-off. How I detested all show-offs!! I never laughed at any of his jokes & held myself back from enjoying the ‘stupid’ music he played.

I can’t recall what broke the ice between us but slowly we started talking. He sure was a lot of fun!!


















In April, we –a group of 3 girls & 2 boys- went to Chennarayapatna, to attend Sumanth Gowda’s brother’s post-wedding banquet. Your father & I had the time of our life that day. There were tears in my eyes – that’s how much he made me laugh. Who could resist his antics & witty one-liners?! I think I was beginning to fall in love –again –with him! To this day, the snap we took there, is prominently displayed in the showcase of our living room.

In May, he said he wanted to marry me. On June 17th 2005, we became man & wife.

Come June this 2011, it’s going to be 6 years for our marriage. In hindsight, would I change anything? No. Should I have not loved him? No. Would I rather have married the steady, well-settled, mature, sensible, upright, responsible, always correct, Mr. Right? Certainly …………………………..…. NO.

I’m lucky to be your father’s best friend & wife. I hope you’re just as lucky. Today, I can wish you more but all I really want to wish you is an equally (if not more) interesting man you would want to spend your life (P.S: but more importantly your holidays) with!!

Love,
Mummy

My Worst Nightmare

The worst thing that can happen to a relationship is when two people no longer have anything to say to each other. It happened in my first relationship. After knowing him for eternity, we reached a point where we had nothing to talk. We had nothing to even fight about. It was my worst nightmare. No talking, no fighting. No agreements, no disagreements. No suggestions, no objections. We just lived. Like that only!

It startled me initially. I didn’t think I could be so placid about life. Mondays rolled into Tuesdays and so did one month into another. And before I knew it, we were well into our 9th year of having first met each other in college. A decade of knowing & caring for each other had gone by. He hadn’t changed in all these years. Neither had I. So what had changed? Why did I leave everything behind?

Why did I move on?

He was an honest, hardworking, patient man. He loved me. He took good care of me, was extremely responsible; an ideal family man. He was an excellent cook & was, in fact, my first tutor in the kitchen. It was he who taught me how to make rice & chicken & tea. I hate cooking, still do. All I knew when I had come to Bangalore was to make an insipid sabzi & watery dal. He was my man, best friend, brother, father, husband, cousin, boyfriend all rolled into one.


Then why did I move on?

It’s difficult to decide who one should finally marry. There are far too many things to consider - his pay, education, family, food preferences, career, age, and health. This is the traditional approach to marriage, & the safest one too. It has one of those shock absorber logic to it.

I remember reading somewhere that you should marry a man you would want to spend your holidays with. Plain & simple, isn’t it? It’s one piece of great advice for people about to tie the knot. Ask me.

I have been in love twice (‘serious’ love!) & both the times, it’s been with men who at the time were earning less than me. They were also less qualified than me in terms of educational degree & work experience. But it never struck me as significant issues. I cared two hoots (still do, by the way) for what a man earned. After all, I can earn just as much too, if not more. Who needs his money, anyways? As for the degrees, a degree is not an indicator of a man’s worth or character. I didn’t care about those either.

What did I care for, then? I cared if we could talk. I mean, you know really, really talk. Would I want to spend the Sunday lazing around the house with him? Would I look forward to our holidays & trips together? Would I feel happy even if we were just window shopping on an entire ‘off’ day? Having seen all the malls, all the theatres, all the amusement parks & all the pubs in the city, would there still be something we could do together? Would there still be that one place somewhere that we could go & have a great time? Would I be able to look forward to the little things of life? Would I be able to look beyond the salary, the furniture, the food, the clothes, & the utilities of everyday life? Would I be able to stop ‘existing’? Would I be able to truly L I V E?

That is why I moved on.

Opposites Attract

Do they, really? Yes, they do. Do they last? Not really. Not always.

Opposites make great romances. For marriage, there has to be a number of things in common for the couple to make it work & to live happily ever after.

During courtship, being with a different (as in, different from you) person, keeps the tempo high. The relationship is alive & kicking, as every day, you discover new facets to one another hitherto unknown & hence very appealing. Your tastes in music, movies, leisure, food, & fashion are vastly different & that gives an opportunity for you to explore the other side of the road.

In a marriage, however, not being able to enjoy the same things means trouble; at least in the long run. Imagine a husband who loves the movies & late nights & impromptu get-togethers while the wife’s idea of entertainment is shopping in Big Bazaar. It spells trouble to me. Or if the wife loves partying, window-shopping, eating in fancy restaurants & the hubby dear is averse to it. All he wants to do is come back from work & snooze during the week. And during the weekends, snooze some more. Trouble again; more so, if one of the partners, especially the wife, is particularly aggressive of her needs & wants.

If she is docile & subservient & always jhukoas her head & says ‘haanji’ to every command that drips out of her pati parmeshwar’s lips, all is well. But we all know how many of this particular species of women are left in the world today!

I, for one, can’t bear to sit aside & watch life go by. Would detest a life of ‘happy domesticity’, which correctly translated means, being confined to the four walls of the kitchen, to cook & clean, & to obey the mostly nonsensical diktats of the husband. To hell with it! I’d rather go solo, any day, than live in such servitude.

Luckily for me, my pati dev & I do share a lot in common. We both get bored by the eleventh minute of an hour. And so we’re always up to something.

Differences…there are a few. Money & childcare are two major things we, ok I, fight about. He is pathetic with both money & a child. His mindless spending was a danger sign I should’ve heeded to before marriage. He believes in “Aaj ka ab, kal ka kal dekhenge” and sermonizes to me saying, “Worry not, my sweet child. If God takes care of the little sparrow, how much more will he take care of me”. He hasn’t ever read the Bible.

As for raising a child, don’t even get me started.

But we live on. And move on.

Strangely, I would rather be with him than anyone else. Because at the end of it all, he is the only one who can make me laugh, right through my tears, & melt, in the middle of a volcanic burst of anger.

Sathya - My One & Only Husband

I met him when I was 28. We were colleagues – for a short time. He joined UTL (in Whitefield) in March & in June (of the same year) we were man & wife!! My life now revolves around him, the father of my child.

From Sathya, I’ve learned to be selfish. It’s the single most important lesson of my life. He has also taught me to be supremely self-confident. I’ve suffered from bouts of low self-esteem for the longest time in my life. And this, in spite of having a truly blessed life, with many academic & professional achievements.

Patience is another thing. He can wait for things to happen - for as long as it takes. For me, the time lag between thought & action is not more than 5 seconds or 5 minutes depending on what the task is. I am programmed with only 2 commands: think – do. For him, it’s think, think, think, do. I am hyper, very impulsive. He is calm & collected. He may be a 1000 times more excited than me but you couldn’t know from his face.

I am my face. His face is just the tip of the iceberg.

Janam janam ka saath – saath janmo tak?? Oh No! No way! I tell him, "Iss janam mein bahut seh liya tumhe. Ab at least in the next janam, let me be with a new, interesting, super rich, industrialist with a private yacht, & island!"

He wants Lara Dutta!!

Humour has kept our marriage alive. I would rather be with a poor, funny man than with a rich, boring man.