What would He want to change about Me?

Suj,

Resign from immediate effect from your self appointed post of Task Manager. I’ll repair the TV/computer/all other machines/ pay the utilities & do other necessary stuff around the house. But I’ll do it depending on my MOOD & not on the urgency of the task at hand. This “late latheef” attitude always gets us into bigger troubles & unnecessary headaches. I agree. But well, even so, I’ve decided. My mood will decide what has to be done when!


Yes, sometimes, a quick 5 minute fag session with a pal can actually run into an hour. Don’t call & ask every 15 minutes, "What happened?” Or “Where are you? What are you doing?" Just as you wouldn't want me to call you up when you’re in the parlor, I don’t want you to call me when I’m with very important people (VIP) doing very important things (VIT). If it helps, recall, how once you marched off to the salon saying, "Oh, just 10 minutes work. Only eyebrows" and didn't reappear till an hour or 2 later. Also, can't a man go out without his wife giving him a list of home provisions to procure? When I go to get cigarettes, you say, "Can you get coriander leaves? Please!” When I go to get beer, you say, "Can you get bay leaves? Please!" This running errands thing - not happening!

When there is a match, you can't stand in front of the TV & ask inane questions like, "Sattu, did you pay the electricity bill?” This is not the time for you to ‘remind’ me that last month I had totally forgotten to pay it & they had cut off the connection!! You can't assign utterly useless & wrongly timed tasks like, "Oh, the tomatoes are over, I can't make the curry. Can you get ¼ kg tomatoes?" And when I say, "No", you can't go into an explanation overdrive saying, "But you can take the bike & come back in 2 seconds (2 seconds!! Yeah right!!) I’ll have to walk!" You are forbidden from these acts henceforth. And no, don't look at me like that. We are NOT going to 'reconsider' this matter.

At the dining table, when I exclaim, ‘Masha Allah’ it means the food tastes amazing, pure delight. This you know already. Now please understand that I can't say it every single day or for every single meal. So you can’t go, "How's it?" on me every time, everyday. Interpret my silences better. Ok, let me help you. See, when I’m eating it silently, it means one of 3 things:

1. The food is tasty enough but I’m not in a mood to write a poem on it.

2. I am SO hungry that no matter how it is, I’ll polish off the whole plate. Or I’m too busy Eating to heap praises. So don’t peer into my eyes. Or stare at my plate to see how fast or how slowly the food is disappearing from it. The food is good & I just want to eat it silently without a performance appraisal.

3. I really have no choice but to eat it, right? So I am eating it.

Get the codes?

Getting me the towel after my shower is not a crime. My mother did it. So can you. No, I do not want to hear your on-the-spot, oral presentation on your imaginary doctoral thesis titled "Social Conditioning of Indian Men over the Centuries & the Battle of the Towel" I’ll not take my towel when I go to shower. I want you to bring it to me. Period!

During our fortnightly/monthly/yearly major fights, you must keep your volume LOW. We are fighting, not competing for the prize of ‘Who is the loudest”.

Ok, now onto one of your pet peeves: discussing things! No, we can’t talk shop when

I'm IN office

I've just returned FROM office

I'm HAVING dinne

I'm ABOUT TO go to bed

No, we can’t do so on weekends, not on public holidays either. Then when do we talk? You ask. Good question. My answer: We have been married for 7 years now. Figure that out yourself. But hey no matter what you arrive at, basically here's the deal: we can do so when I want to which is generally – "Tomorrow"!

from Sathya

Food & Exercise

I’ve never understood the concept of foodie. Who is a foodie exactly? And what is with this statement that most skinny girls, & all the three generations of the Raj Kapoor family, are wont to say, “Oh, I am a complete foodie!”

The only time I have craved for food, with as much desperation as a beggar craving for a rotten morsel was, during & post my pregnancy. All I wanted to do was eat. I was so starved. I didn’t have my mother to cook a hot meal for me. I was forever famished. Throughout my pregnancy, for the office lunch, I survived on the parcel meals from Hallimane Hotel in Malleshwaram. I think, it cost only around Rs 18/-. But for me, it was truly “mrushtanna bhojana”. At nights, I have slept with only an apple & a glass of milk. No wonder then that I even dreamt of food on many nights. Food was a recurrent theme.

I’ve known people who find the very sight of food stimulating; the really affluent, w ell-to do people at that. How’s that possible? It’s just food. I don’t go “crazy” at the sight of food. I know a few who eat like it is their last day & last meal. The amount they heap on their plates & the variety – just about everything would be heaped onto it. Even if it’s a buffet, I eat almost the same amount & prefer the combination of rice-gravy-sabzi. I do indulge in the dessert, & might try an item on the menu I’ve never seen or tried before, if there ever is one. And of course, puddings & mousse are things I risk only in a buffet.

For Sathya, food is an intoxicant. And if it’s a buffet, it’s complete paisa vasool time. I tease him saying, what we spend on two person’s buffet charges; he manages to recover it alone. Once in Hyderabad, he over ate so much that, he couldn’t lift his ass off the couch for the rest of the afternoon. And I brought the house down, saying, “We are on a holiday, damn it. We are supposed to go sight-seeing & not eat like pigs & sleep like logs”. And he went, “So what? Am I supposed to starve on holidays?”

Ab yeh haalat ho gayi hai ki he is 112 kg for a height of 6’3”; which is almost 30 kg overweight. No wonder, people say, “apni biwi ki SUNO.”

Over a decade of smoking & drinking & bad lifestyle choices having taken a toll on his health, & at 112 kg & after two warnings from his doctor, he is now trying hard to control himself at the table & not go overboard. He has finally started exercising - running/jogging/walking. For all the time he spent stuffing his body, he now has to spend twice the time to get it off. If only, it would come off so easily!!

In 33 years, there were only two occasions when I have moved my limbs in semblance to exercise. Once, in Dec 2004 I enrolled for yoga classes near Spice Garden in Marathahalli; twice a week for a month. It was in a room with mirrors at the front, & the yoga movements felt more like a slow, sensual dance than exercise.


The second time was when, for 2 months, I went for weekend 1 hour salsa classes in Indiranagar’s dance school called Swingers Club. The stretching & warm-ups & the dance moves – yeah those were the only times my body was exposed to some form of fitness.

I believe, any form of exercise is detrimental to my health. I might shrink. Or lose so much weight I might need to take Body Mass.