The End

Running a household means saving, scrimping, conserving, preserving. Basically making every purchase last till you’ve extracted every last rupee/paisa spent on it. Hence, you find most Indian women preserve pickle jars & odd bottles & pots & pans. We don’t like throwing away old anything around the house. Will we ever want to throw away our husbands? For us, marriage is for keeps. We girls are programmed to make things work (most often – single handedly!). THE END is not an option we consider. It’s a rare woman who wants to knock it all off.

I chose to walk away from my first relationship because I realized I was trapped in a “headed nowhere” situation. We both had our well-paying jobs, his parents’ complete support, a nice car, a plot of land purchased to build our future home in Kannur (Kerala); we also had a long history of having stood beside each other in good times & bad & seen the highs & lows of life. But then, gradually we realized that, we had altogether different tastes, worldviews & expectations out of life.

I wanted to experience life. The job, the money, the savings everything was meant to fulfill that desire; the means toward that end. He wanted security, a highly predictable, well orchestrated, comfortable life. I wanted everything in extremes. He wanted everything to be in moderation, a sedate existence. His only extremity was food. My only moderation was food. He could lie on the sofa & watch Malayalam movies starting Friday 6p.m right through Sunday 11 p.m. I couldn’t wait to go out into town during the weekend.
Life had become a cycle of working, saving & buying. And more buying. And more buying. Whether it was buying furniture, vessels, electronic goods, car, household items or investing in policies or paying the rent or the credit card & phone bills, even recreation & entertainment expenses, I did it with complete affection for the life we shared together. I never once worried about the future. No woman just throws it all away. After all, a home is built with a great deal of hard work, persistence & patience tinka tinka jodke.

But some relationships are best when you let go of them. Because clinging on to something in the hope that ‘it will all work out in the end’ or simply because you’ve no one or nowhere else to go, is just not the way to live life. If something ties you down, if it doesn’t let you grow as a person, in whichever direction or whatever way, it’s just not worth it. For a relationship to work, both people must want it to happen & work towards it. If it doesn’t work, it’s not your fault. There’s only that much you can do. Relationships need a little maintenance. One person can fight for it but you get tired after a point & just let it go. And it’s best that way.

If there’ve been women, who’ve walked out of relationships, it’s always because things went way beyond their highest point of endurance. Why should anyone put up with verbal & physical abuse? Or a life where your only reason for existence is because your spouse wanted an unpaid cook, maid & nurse all rolled into one & at no extra cost other than the two-meals a day deal? Or the only opinion you’re allowed to have is saying “yes” to whatever she/he says, her/his every whim & fancy? I know of several women living just this kind of life right now as I write these lines. When I see them & the sordid lives they’ve surrendered themselves to, I wonder, if this is marriage, the most sacred of all human institutions, then I’m better off being single. In some cases, The End isn’t such a dirty word, after all.

24 Hours only

If I had only 24 hours to live, wonder what I would do?

First, I would withdraw all my money. Close all my savings schemes, mutual funds & the various other investment options. Calculate the money I got in hand. Choose an exotic location & escape there with Sathya & Tanvi. This, assuming, the place is an hour’s flight, & tickets are available & all the other logistical details.

If I am unable to move out of town, then in Bangalore, I would choose a place like Wonder Laa or some other water theme park.

Instead of water, I would drink loads of milkshakes that day – all possible variations of it. I LOVE milkshakes.

I would finally buy those micro mini denim shorts & leather boots I have been lusting after, since forever! That will put an end to Sathya’s infamous instruction, “Ya…you can wear those when we go to Malaysia (or any other “phoren” city). Not here. If you want to wear in India, wear it at home.” How ridiculous!

I will buy Satty an entire range of exercise or gym gear, from shoes to sweat pants to sippers to what not. I know he is going to start over-eating all over again; partly from old habit & partly from missing me, not having me around to cajole him, “Please stop. It’s enough for one day.” He definitely will need a gentle reminder to go, shed those extra kilos off.

I will buy Tan an exotic piece of jewelry for her to remember me by; something very ethnic, with exquisite stone work; a choker perhaps.

I will try a shot of tequila, a puff of cigarette & one dose of the most easily available drug!

I will definitely blow up all my cash (the little that would be left by then that is,.)

Maybe, I will record a video, with me talking to Sat & Tan, one final time, telling them I love them. No … I don’t think I will be able to do that. I might not be able to stay strong. I may choke & begin to cry. No. I think, I will prefer to go, with a few things left unsaid.

I want all my last memories to be happy ones. I wouldn’t want to see Sattu & Tan sad that I wouldn’t be there any longer. I want to take their cheerful faces with me to my afterlife. They too should remember me smiling. I think I will kiss Tan a lot that day. I will miss them both.

Hey … I shouldn’t be ‘missing’ them. Ya right. I will just hover around them, especially Tan, and guard her like I am her own private angel. Will I be an angel? Wow, that was one redeeming thought in this whole shindig of death related wishes.

My god … 24 hours is such a short time to enjoy life at the last moment! Funny, I didn’t count the 33 years I already had! Hmm!