Death

My daughter's best friend lost her father. Last year. She was in 5^th standard. Ten years old.

She didn't cry. Or rather, I didn’t see her cry. Two weeks later, when she came to our home, I didn’t see her sad or mourning or weeping. I was looking out to catch a tear waiting to roll down. There was none. So normal she was that I was appalled to see it.

But wait! Why was I so desperate to see her sad? Why was I scanning her eyes? Why was I waiting for her to start missing her father any moment now and maybe either start howling in sheer grief or sit in a corner and sob silently?

Is it because it pushed me to think of my own death? It made me wonder how would Tanvi my daughter, react when faced with a similar unfortunate and clearly mentally devastating situation, so early on in life. Will she also be “normal” in two weeks flat? Most importantly, do I WANT her to cry for days on end when I die?

I do. I do!

Oh My God! Did I just say that out loud? Such a vain woman! So vain! So utterly despicably vain!

Thoughts of mortality – are they morbid or actually uplifting and beneficial? Visiting my mortality, time and again, in my thoughts, over the years, has been a see-saw ride for me.

I have said this, to many people, many times, that if I live till 50, that’s all I ask. I don’t want a long life. 50 will do for me. And to think, that’s just another ten years ahead.

Sometimes, this thought of death is accompanied by a sense of urgency and unreasonable bouts of jealousy. Knowing that there are so many places I still have not visited and desperately, (yes, desperately in bold and red), want to see, and so little time to do it all. That makes me wonder if I will be an unhappy soul. An ‘atrapth atma’ (unfulfilled soul) roaming the streets pushing tourists off the cliff or drowning others as they splash in the beach or choking some as they relish their food in a fancy restaurant. Will I be doing that? Will I turn into a vengeful, dissatisfied ex-traveller snuffing out the lives of other seemingly happy travellers? I can very well see myself doing that! What a shame! But I swear, if I die before I have seen all the places I want to see and do all the things I want to do, I will come back and haunt YOU – You who are now onto your next lovely travel adventure.

Then my thoughts turn to my daughter. 11 years old now. How will she manage her life without her mother? The question is almost always followed by a long, thoughtful pause.  And then hits the piercing, stabbing-my-heart-till-it-bleeds-and-wets-the-floor realization. She will do just fine. She is far too practical and far less emotional than I have ever been. And that is both scary and comforting, at the same time.

It is scary because I am a selfish mother. Won’t she shed a few bloody tears bemoaning her great loss? Don’t I deserve a few months, (no, make it years), of sorrow for having given birth to her and raised her and then gone, wooof into thin air, leaving her all alone? I the mother, the creator, the nurturer, the nourisher - forgotten easily and surely – is that my fate?

It is comforting because for a mother there is no greater achievement than knowing that her daughter is confident. That she raised a girl who is self-reliant and can live her life without being a crutch. That all the sweat and sacrifice one endured has resulted in a child who will be just fine, even without you. That’s huge. I know. After all, isn’t that the whole purpose of parenting? To raise a young one such that one day they can set out on their own and not depend on you.

Sigh! I have to make peace with not getting those bucketful of tears.

Damn!

Inside A Suicide

I just read an article, ‘Inside a Suicide’ in Femina (7 Sept’11 issue). It says, 1 suicide happens every 4 minutes in India. Stress & depression are the main reasons. In Mar’11: A woman, in Bombay, had thrown her kids from the 19^th floor & then jumped to death. I could see the scene flash across my mind - the fear in the kids’ eyes’, the mother’s desperation & a moment later, their 3 lifeless bodies.

Why did she do something as horrendous as pushing her kids off the 19^th floor? Why & when do we decide to commit suicide? Every suicide victim makes one last attempt at life. They wait for that one person, with whom they can talk & share their agony, somebody who could listen to them, & not judge, but just empathize. If only someone, anyone listened! Isn’t that why they leave little notes – their last shot at being heard? Deep down, they all really want to live.

I’ve heard older couples talking about the “ups & downs” of their married life & how they braved it, & today stand as an example of an ideal marriage. My “downs” were those 2 years right after marriage. My daughter was born in June’06. The helplessness, & hopelessness, I felt in the months immediately after that, is something I’d never felt before. I felt SO SO LONELY for the 1^st time ever in my life that, within 5 months of her birth, I went into severe depression. Office, husband, baby’s needs, no emotional support, responsibilities, no sleep, house work, constant fights, baby’s constant wailing & crying, no proper food & care, family angle, everything seemed to come together & hang over my head like the Damocles’ sword. Those were the only weak moments in my life where, I felt I can’t take it any longer; I wanted to end the trauma because no one cared for me anyways.

I missed my mother.

And then, one day, in sheer desperation, I found myself going to a medical store & asking for sleeping pills! He asked me for a doctor’s prescription. I then planned that, I’d try my luck, & go around asking 1 pill from every store, & once I’d collected 36, I’d be set. Why 36?!? Well, I’d heard that you needed 36 for an overdose. But I couldn’t get a single pill. No prescription!

I then thought of the fan. But I was a complete coward. I wanted a painless death. Hanging felt gruesome. You had to push the stool from under your feet! I could tie myself to the fan but pushing the stool away? No, no, I couldn’t do that. I thought of the railway track & poison too but I chickened out!

But that wasn’t the 1^st time I’d thought of death, & been terrified by it. I remember my bungee jump in 2005. I went up, very excited, & put on the safety gear, filled with anticipation for this once-in-a-lifetime experience. Standing at the edge of the board, I looked down. He said, “Now jump”. An inch further & I’d be plunging down, head first. But at that moment, I just couldn’t propel my body any further. I still remember that ONE second of intense fear. Finally, he nudged me & I fell off. Trust me, the actual hanging in the air isn’t as frightening as that one second just before you fall. That second is utterly, absolutely, terrifying.

I managed the courage to bungee jump but it takes another kind of courage to end one’s life. And in this case, to be a coward is a good thing. After all, God never tempts us beyond our point of endurance. No matter how bad the days seem, we can always walk through it, one day at a time; because life is too precious to waste on anyone or anything. And I, for one, love my life too much to let it go to waste.

24 Hours only

If I had only 24 hours to live, wonder what I would do?

First, I would withdraw all my money. Close all my savings schemes, mutual funds & the various other investment options. Calculate the money I got in hand. Choose an exotic location & escape there with Sathya & Tanvi. This, assuming, the place is an hour’s flight, & tickets are available & all the other logistical details.

If I am unable to move out of town, then in Bangalore, I would choose a place like Wonder Laa or some other water theme park.

Instead of water, I would drink loads of milkshakes that day – all possible variations of it. I LOVE milkshakes.

I would finally buy those micro mini denim shorts & leather boots I have been lusting after, since forever! That will put an end to Sathya’s infamous instruction, “Ya…you can wear those when we go to Malaysia (or any other “phoren” city). Not here. If you want to wear in India, wear it at home.” How ridiculous!

I will buy Satty an entire range of exercise or gym gear, from shoes to sweat pants to sippers to what not. I know he is going to start over-eating all over again; partly from old habit & partly from missing me, not having me around to cajole him, “Please stop. It’s enough for one day.” He definitely will need a gentle reminder to go, shed those extra kilos off.

I will buy Tan an exotic piece of jewelry for her to remember me by; something very ethnic, with exquisite stone work; a choker perhaps.

I will try a shot of tequila, a puff of cigarette & one dose of the most easily available drug!

I will definitely blow up all my cash (the little that would be left by then that is,.)

Maybe, I will record a video, with me talking to Sat & Tan, one final time, telling them I love them. No … I don’t think I will be able to do that. I might not be able to stay strong. I may choke & begin to cry. No. I think, I will prefer to go, with a few things left unsaid.

I want all my last memories to be happy ones. I wouldn’t want to see Sattu & Tan sad that I wouldn’t be there any longer. I want to take their cheerful faces with me to my afterlife. They too should remember me smiling. I think I will kiss Tan a lot that day. I will miss them both.

Hey … I shouldn’t be ‘missing’ them. Ya right. I will just hover around them, especially Tan, and guard her like I am her own private angel. Will I be an angel? Wow, that was one redeeming thought in this whole shindig of death related wishes.

My god … 24 hours is such a short time to enjoy life at the last moment! Funny, I didn’t count the 33 years I already had! Hmm!