My Childhood Problem

No... not lying or overeating or fagging on the sly or throwing tantrums, none of that. Growing up, those haven’t been my problems at all. My problem was, and IS (& will always be), I am courteous to people.

I am genteel with them TILL they start taking advantage of my goodness. Then I explode; a capital E X P L O D E. It’s too late by then. The relationship has soured.

Yes, being taken for granted, taken lightly, sometimes treated like a doormat - yeah - THAT has always been my problem.

Having read Thomas Harris’ brilliant book, “I’m OK – You’re OK”, I did a root cause analysis of my problem. The culprit, I realized, was my low self-esteem, I am the "I'm Not OK' types. I’ve had my moments of not knowing my own worth, suffering from a poor self-image. People like me tend to please others. We avoid offending others although we ourselves may be repeatedly offended. We shy away from confronting people. I am the quintessential “good girl” who is kind, helpful & humble AND gets treated like shit by all & sundry.

I just don’t know how to deal with it. I feel everybody is nice. I get easily swayed by people who speak nicely to me & if I like them, I like them too much. Until, one day, they suddenly show their true colors & shock the daylights out of me. And I go, “She said this, really?”, “He did that, really?”

The betrayal of my trust sends me into a mad frenzy. I scream. I shout. I get the whole thing out of my system. And then, just as abruptly, cut them off of my life completely. I get so attached emotionally to that person that when something ruptures, it shatters me completely. It could be anybody - a colleague, a friend, a relative, a neighbor, a family friend. It could even be the hairdresser, the courier guy, the grocery man, the cable guy, the plumber, the electrician, the landlord, whoever.

Sathya is not so gullible. He doesn’t trust people easily. In fact, he doesn’t trust people at all. He gives them back, instantly, as good as he gets; unlike me. I keep it inside, festering within me. I try not to hurt the person who hurt me, doing my best to keep mum, in order to salvage the relationship, & to keep it going, as normally, as possible.

This approach ends in souring the relationship because I reach a point where I can take no more of their sarcastic comments or caustic remarks or humiliating suggestions or insinuating one-liners. When things reach a point of no return, I burst open into a volley of angry words. And that is, THE END, of that relationship, whether it lasted 10 days, 10 months or 10 years. Matters -naught. I turn ice cold. Nothing can ever touch my heart again, from then on.

I don’t like this state of things. I want to be diplomatic, easy-going, shrewd,mean, demanding, haughty, nose-in-the-sky kinda girl. I really do. They are respected & treated well & never ever taken for granted.

Problem is I just can’t be like that.