17 March 2011

Spending what you didn’t earn

Are women happier in traditional marriages where men earn & they stay at home & look after the man & kids? Are they more comfortable with the hallowed group of men that earns for them, the bread winners of the world? I know I never would be.

If the woman is not contributing to the family income, just dipping into it, there is a guilt that follows. She feels she is not bringing any money into the house, while he is “taking on the world” day in & day out; so he deserves to be treated like a king. No wonder then that she goes out of her way to serve her husband. From bringing his shoes & socks to him in the morning when he goes to work, to waiting on him while he eats, to bringing the towel once he bathes, to numerous other things all housewives do to delight their husbands, kyunki woh kamathe hai, ghar chalathe hai house & so is the lord of the house, yajamanru.

There are men who grudge their wives spending, especially in homes where they earn less. Once I saw a man in a store very excitedly shopping for shoes for his son & himself. His wife hung behind him, lamely. She kept looking very longingly at one of the sandals. She didn’t openly ask for them because it’d be like asking for the moon. He didn’t buy anything for her. He gave her a look that said it all, “For sitting at home why do you need sandals?”

This happened in 2002 in a small store in Koramangala 1st block where I lived at the time. It’s a one-off case I know, but I haven’t been able to erase it from my memory even after all these years. I keep thinking, there must be many more women who go through such experiences every day. I’ve come to realize that the only guilt free spending is with my own money.

There have been times when I wasn’t carrying cash on me. I’d suddenly sight a guy with his pull-cart & would want to buy a flower pot & turn around to Sathya & say, “U got change?” And he would be like, “Some other time ya, why now?” He has a way of making me feel all my expenses on books, plants, pillow cases, doormats, plastic items from roadside vendors & other knick-knacks are petty. (Aside: Booze & cigarettes are NEVER a waste of money!!). And I’ve a way of taking that very seriously. I’d feel so dependent on him at that moment that I’d want to kick myself for not carrying my purse everywhere. It sucks. So now I always stash away small change because I don’t want to hear a No again.

I find it hard to ask others to pay up after me. Even with my parents, I dreaded asking. With a spouse thoh it’s impossible. I can’t go, “Give me Rs 1000 I want to buy a dress”. I haven’t ever asked him money or told him to buy anything for me. If I like something & if I can afford it at the time, I go right ahead & buy it. If I don’t have the money, I wait, I save & then I go & buy that very same thing. The feeling that comes from purchasing something you wanted & for which you waited & saved is incredible. I freely & happily buy for him, though.

I earn, I spend. I like that. It has let me do the stuff I want to, without unwarranted interference. I value that very much. And I gladly put in the hard work needed to ensure the status quo remains. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s not an ego thing. It’s just the way I am wired. After all, it’s not about the money per se. A woman adding to the family income & thereof, to the process of wealth creation, improves the dynamic of the marriage. She can be more assertive. And this is exactly what most men don’t want.

13 comments:

  1. Well written! It was a nice eye-opener journey into the minds of Women.

    It depends on individuals, so making it generalized as MEN is not fair I think. When we go out, I give my wallet to my wife to spend even before she asks for it. But, when it comes to taking money from her, I feel guilty. For a moment I think, when she feels comfortable spending money from my wallet, why not me? Slowly am getting used to this and we almost now are not differentiating who spends, since we think its our need.

    Very thought provoking post, keep them coming in :o)

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  2. Sure Prashanth all men are not like that. but MANY are!!
    husbands like you can be counted on your finger tips. nim immediate friends athava family circle alley nodi. nim anthavru swalpa kamminey (idu hindi kaminey alla :))))
    i think since women started working, some things have changed for better & some things for worse. men need time to adjust to the changes. some like you have begun the journey, others need more time

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  3. nice write up sujatha. i liked the topic and then the writ up too. Catch me on sushmaspage.blogspot.com

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  4. @ Sush: hi! thanks! yup will drop by ur blog too

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  5. You have hit the nail. Gone is the time when women used to say to husband "Your money is my money and my money is my too". It feels lowly When you ask a husband about a small thing to buy and he replies why do you need it? This modern age has been a two-edged sword for women. Wish men would grow up too !

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  6. @Kirti: yes, it's never easy for women - two-edged sword indeed

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  7. so true. Whether ill-meaning or not, when you are questioned about the need to buy a particular commodity, the person has already refused the money in the mind. It is how we women look at it. Maybe for them it is just a relevant question and has nothing to do with parting with the money. I am a SAHM and never really stack up things that I know may not be really used just because they caught my fancy at the store. The restraint and guilt is all self-inflicted but I can't help it.

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    1. that's right Uma - maybe they don't mean any ill, maybe for them it is a relevant question

      sorry but what is SAHM? i don't know!

      thanks for going back to older posts :)

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    2. SAHM= stay at home mother :-)
      I learnt this new abbreviation through blogging :-)

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  8. it's genuinely inspiring to me as a MAN ..
    beautiful thoughts very nicely written ..
    a sure eye-opener for many men around :-)

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    1. inspiring??? huh! hmmm....okie !

      thanks for the read...back after a long gap :)

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  9. Very well written! When I was working, I never had the need to ask the husband to buy me anything! Now that I don't, I find it difficult to spend except for the most essential stuff (though he doesn't question the requirements). And I realise that over the years I've stopped spending on books, handbags, no impulse buys at all!! Maybe here it is me who needs to change my mindset but sigh, not easy!

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    1. very true. impulse buys are the first to be hit.

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