22 September 2011

Inside A Suicide

I just read an article, ‘Inside a Suicide’ in Femina (7 Sept’11 issue). It says, 1 suicide happens every 4 minutes in India. Stress & depression are the main reasons. In Mar’11: A woman, in Bombay, had thrown her kids from the 19th floor & then jumped to death. I could see the scene flash across my mind - the fear in the kids’ eyes’, the mother’s desperation & a moment later, their 3 lifeless bodies.


Why did she do something as horrendous as pushing her kids off the 19th floor? Why & when do we decide to commit suicide? Every suicide victim makes one last attempt at life. They wait for that one person, with whom they can talk & share their agony, somebody who could listen to them, & not judge, but just empathize. If only someone, anyone listened! Isn’t that why they leave little notes – their last shot at being heard? Deep down, they all really want to live.


I’ve heard older couples talking about the “ups & downs” of their married life & how they braved it, & today stand as an example of an ideal marriage. My “downs” were those 2 years right after marriage. My daughter was born in June’06. The helplessness, & hopelessness, I felt in the months immediately after that, is something I’d never felt before. I felt SO SO LONELY for the 1st time ever in my life that, within 5 months of her birth, I went into severe depression. Office, husband, baby’s needs, no emotional support, responsibilities, no sleep, house work, constant fights, baby’s constant wailing & crying, no proper food & care, family angle, everything seemed to come together & hang over my head like the Damocles’ sword. Those were the only weak moments in my life where, I felt I can’t take it any longer; I wanted to end the trauma because no one cared for me anyways.


I missed my mother.


And then, one day, in sheer desperation, I found myself going to a medical store & asking for sleeping pills! He asked me for a doctor’s prescription. I then planned that, I’d try my luck, & go around asking 1 pill from every store, & once I’d collected 36, I’d be set. Why 36?!? Well, I’d heard that you needed 36 for an overdose. But I couldn’t get a single pill. No prescription!


I then thought of the fan. But I was a complete coward. I wanted a painless death. Hanging felt gruesome. You had to push the stool from under your feet! I could tie myself to the fan but pushing the stool away? No, no, I couldn’t do that. I thought of the railway track & poison too but I chickened out!


But that wasn’t the 1st time I’d thought of death, & been terrified by it. I remember my bungee jump in 2005. I went up, very excited, & put on the safety gear, filled with anticipation for this once-in-a-lifetime experience. Standing at the edge of the board, I looked down. He said, “Now jump”. An inch further & I’d be plunging down, head first. But at that moment, I just couldn’t propel my body any further. I still remember that ONE second of intense fear. Finally, he nudged me & I fell off. Trust me, the actual hanging in the air isn’t as frightening as that one second just before you fall. That second is utterly, absolutely, terrifying.


I managed the courage to bungee jump but it takes another kind of courage to end one’s life. And in this case, to be a coward is a good thing. After all, God never tempts us beyond our point of endurance. No matter how bad the days seem, we can always walk through it, one day at a time; because life is too precious to waste on anyone or anything. And I, for one, love my life too much to let it go to waste.

111 comments:

  1. Good post Sujatha. But was it really that bad for you to even think of putting an end to your life. How can one take such an extreme step. I can never think of anything of the sort even in my dreams.. I love my dear life so much. I want to live it to the fullest.

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  2. @Ashwini: me too Ashwini i love my life TOO much. but there was that ONE phase when i felt too depressed & some thoughts crossed my mind because it was really bad at the time

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  3. Sujatha, truly compelling post. I too suffer from acute depression from time to time and have thought of ending the agony countless number of times. But I remember always that tomorrow will be a new day and whatever pain we feel today, we will be able to pull through it tomorrow. Life has its ups and downs. Recently I heard that the Indian law is planning to decriminalize an attempt to suicide. Not sure if this news is good or bad.

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  4. @Prasanna: i was never ever depressed in my life, except that once.
    you are right Prasanna - tomorrow will be a new day. one of my fav quotes is "This Too Shall Pass" :)

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  5. what a moving post sujatha... I am glad you were a coward, fear is good, fear means that you are thinking about what you're doing...I don't presume to know what those people go through who kill themselves,and maybe they really were at the end of their roads, but most of the times, things are never as bad as they seem, sometimes we blow things up out of proportion in our minds, time is fleeting, and even the bad times, no matter how bad shall pass one day, our life is too beautiful and too precious to give up for any reason...
    You were suffering from post-partum depression as I'm sure you already know, and it is infact a real threat during post delivery period, many women go through it, I didn't luckily, but even then the period in the beginning with a baby is so tough that I can understand why some women go through it, and yes, many women do consider suicide, or worse kill their babies during this post partum depression phase...I'm glad you came out of it unscathed...

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  6. Been there, tried that :)It is not about being a coward. It is about being so impulsive, unthinkable for one brief moment. Had you taken the effort to go to 36 stores, I am sure one traffic signal halt would have got you back to reality!

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  7. "Will this matter in 5 yrs?", is all I think when I am in total mess!!! and I have never tried to go to that extent from the time I got to know how valuable life is.

    Death is anyways there for all of us its inevitable, so why we should bother to die. Instead I will live to the very moment I am useful and helpful to someone. :) I wish your post will be inspiration to many to get back from that extent and start afresh.

    Keep motivating keep writing.
    Life is beautiful

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  8. A post written right from your heart Sujatha. I agree with AAD-you seem to have been suffering from post-partum depression. I am glad that you managed to overcome it. But having said that, I really feel that the first couple of years of marriage is a really difficult phase by itself-with or without a child! I am so glad that it is over!

    People always say that suicide is a coward's choice as the person is too afraid to face life. I understand how you must have felt. I too have thought about suicide and how to do it several times (before getting married)- but as you said I've never had the courage to carry it forward. It only used to be a momentary weakness. After that moment passed, I used to tell myself, that I am a strong person and I deserved much better things in life :-)
    Also one of my cousins had committed suicide a few years back and till this day I see how her family is suffering. Remembering the agony of those loved ones left behind helped too.

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  9. I can so much empathize with you Sujatha!
    At times, when the going gets tough, such thoughts storm our mind.
    How many times, especially during pregnancy and post pregnancy I have thought on similar lines. But, if we just 'come out of that one weak moment, we will start seeing the brighter side.
    Sadly, many cannot come out of that one weak moment, they budge in.

    I remember, shouting at the God.. 'Utaale mujhe! abhi! isi waqt' :D :D :D
    Because, it would be easier to die. I imagined that the breathing would stop just like that. No pain nothing.

    Now I laugh at it. But, going through those moments is very very tough.

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  10. Depression is a scary state and unfortunately we do not have enough qualified therapists in our country.

    And so proud that you tided over your dark phase unscathed.

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  11. @Anjali: yes Anjali I am glad too that I was a coward & I feared things. Even in that state of mind,i was weighing my options, i was desperately seeking help, talking to people. i was trying to help myself.
    True, it was post-partum depression which aggravated due to family problems & my mind turned into a devil’s workshop. I am so relieved it’s all over & I lived through it.
    you are right Anjali,nothing, absolutely nothing warrants death

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  12. @Archie: correct, it’s an impulsive momentary decision. No, I never went to 36 stores. Guess I was jolted back to reality in time. thank you for your empathy Archie. the last thing i wanted was somebody judging me & accusing me after reading the post

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  13. @Ramya: true Ramya life is too beautiful to waste it like that. Even if we can help/touch one person’s life, our life is worth living. You are right, most of the things don’t matter in 5 years from now but at the moment it seems too big.

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  14. @Anne: yes thankfully it got over. you are right each one of us deserves better in life.

    That’s true Anne, when the person dies & goes away, what he/she leaves behind is an endless tale of sorrow & tears for the family. a cousin of Sathya's committed suicide a year after her marriage last year & even to this day the parents are suffering

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  15. @Sahana: that’s true Sahana, it’s that one weak moment. Yes, it’s unfortunate that some don’t manage to come out of it & succumb to it.
    now I too remember that phase sometimes because in 34 years, only those 2 years were the darkest & saddest period in my life. i feel touched that you could understand me

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  16. @Purba: yes Purba we seriously need more therapists. we also need an open-mind on the part of the person suffering & his family to accept that they need help. During that phase I actually went to NIMHANS despite the stigma attached to that institution ki yeh toh pagalon ka ghar hai. I wanted so badly to get over it, I’d could have gone anywhere!

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  17. Chechi, i feel bad when i read , but now i am sure u r more stable now with more friends and happiness

    best wishes

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  18. one post that I really wanted to read..needed some inspiration and you provided me with that..thankz for writing this piece Sujatha:-)

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  19. You know what Sujatha, hugs, more love and respect for you <3 xxxxxxxxxx

    I am not a mother, but i have gone through such phases myself. I have seen suicides very closely in my family, my grandma killed herself, her mother killed herself, granny's sister as well and there might be some history which I may not be aware of. I have seen people committing suicides right in front of me, I was in eighth grade and a man who live right behind out flat in air force station sirsa, charred himself to death while his wife and child cried for help. That was not one of the best things I witnessed. Then I saw a man hanging from the fan of his house! I think the air force station was jinxed back then, many people committed suicides.

    When I was visiting my doctor, I met a lady who has twins, a girl, a boy! We may think, what more can she asks for? But she was at the verge of committing suicide and thus dragged her husband to see the doctor. She said her husband doesn't listen to her. He is busy throwing his socks around. She did not take medication and we were in touch for a while and now on facebook. She seems better now, she practiced yoga. But, it is too much for a woman. I cannot imagine having kids, with a job, a four year old husband [that's how men behave at home] and following my passions plus all the emotional turmoil that I have in my pea-size head.

    Life is a constant struggle for a woman and top it with PMS :|

    ps:edited the typos

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  20. When I was reading this post I was thinking that you will take deep dive for this topic but you did'nt do that. This post could have been more informative but I think you skipped that...overall nicely observed.

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  21. Oh god .. i know the first reaction was WHYYYYYYY but you know, I being man can still understand what you are saying but not to that level, I have experienced it so many times in my work , you go to a house you can feel it , there is something wrong ..
    yes there is always one person who can change it for you, but that person is hard to find ...

    There have been occasions where I have thought of dropping dead, pulling that trigger next to my forehead .. But carried on and i am glad i did not if i had someone on this planet would have been so very happy but in my anger i planned not to give them this happiness, I bet they read this comment and will be sad i did not die.. Things have changed for sure ... But i can unsertand .. I did write a post on suicide a few months back .. trying to understand the mental condition..

    Remind me of a incident , back home i use to sleep outside one early morning about 5 am the kid of family who had taken first floor of the house on rent , woke me up .. he was 8 or 9 years old , i went with him to find the mother hanging by the fan .. I was shocked did not know what to do .. and i ahd jsut met her the night before she was cheerful...

    I have realised dieing in not easy, and the one second you mentioned I know about that , I jumped from a plane at 14000 ft...

    life is a gift and we should live it , things get hard very ard i know .. but still one shud give it one more go when all is lost ..

    I am glad you are safe and sound you take care of yourself now and when ever of IF the thought ever comes give me a ring , email me :)

    Bikram's

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  22. A moving post! Agree with what you said... "This too shall pass" and I also believe in 'Time heals everything' and 'Time is a great leveler'!
    The key is to stay positive... easier said than done when everything around is dark, but it's possible!

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  23. Every person at one or other stage of his/her life thinks of quitting...Even Anna Hazare confessed that he too seriously contemplated suicide.

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  24. well...for the last few days i was really thinking about suicide... not commiting..but i mean why people commit it? i think its just in a flash of moment that make one ready to commit it... humans have unlimited ability to absorb all kind of shocks, griefs, sorrows and everything but yet at a time one feels like there is no point in living,,,there is no goal or life becomes too hard to live...

    very nicely written...really liked it :)

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  25. the mood swings, ups and downs and an desperate urgen to kill one self i rellay feel bad for it, though i have never realised it so far. But its common and natural. 6 in 10 ladies feels so atleast twice in life and its commonest during their post partum life...the sudden changes and body and mind cant really cope up with it.

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  26. wonderfully penned post first of all :)
    And indeed life is too precious a gift to be 'wasted' and wasted by either NOT living it properly or wasted by NOT letting it end properly!

    I think its a lack of faith in the utmost superior power that controls all things that is one major point.


    sarah

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  27. @Jidhu: yes Jidhu after that thing I was ok, that experience just made me stronger.

    @Mishi: I am just glad Mishi that you found some solace from this post.

    @Shilpa: true Shilpa we need to stay positive. The dark clouds will pass & time will heal our wounds

    @Latha: thank you Latha

    @Vinod: Anna Hazare contemplated it too? Hmmm. yes, maybe everybody goes through such a phase in their life.

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  28. @Chintan: that’s an awful lot to go through – deaths in one’s own close family & seeing others die in front of you. It must have affected you very deeply at the time. I shudder when such scenes come on TV/films and seeing it live would shatter me I think.

    It's true Chintan life’s a never ending struggle more so for women. What makes it harder is the one person you love so dearly fails to understand or care for you enough to pull you through. That hurts most of all.

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  29. @Mithlash: sorry but I didn’t get what you meant by “deep dive.”

    No Mithlash being “informative” is the last thing on my mind whenever I write any post. As it is, there’s a world of info everywhere on everything, we just have to google it :)
    you observed well: i skipped that.

    Thank you so much for reading the post & posting your response. I appreciate it.

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  30. @Bikram: oh god … the 8 year old kid who saw his mother hanging…it’s traumatic for the loved ones who survive such experiences. I can understand your helplessness in a situation like that.

    14,000 feet?!!! Incredible!! Just incredible!! I don’t know what to say!

    I hope I never ever have to call/mail you for something like this. But it really is so thoughtful of you. It’s always heartening to know you’ve a friend, a well-wisher in this world who wishes you safe & is just a call away :). Thank you Bikram.

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  31. @Israr: you are right Israr we humans can absorb a lot but there may come a time when we feel it's not worth it & like you said, in that flash of a moment a wrong decision is made & a precious life is lost.

    @Chitra: 6 out of 10? my god, that is a big number. its so sad. correct Chitra at that time i really couldn't cope with it.

    @Sarah: that is perfectly said Sarah: wasting life by not letting it end properly or not living it properly. true, both are an injustice we do to God who gave us this gift in the first place

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  32. I believe the bravest person would be a person who commits suicide. Completely agree when you say it takes a hell lot of courage to take that huge step in 'life'!

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  33. @Deepthi: yes, that actual moment is extremely scary Deepthi

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  34. I've written a post on it too.
    http://bigbitz.blogspot.com/2011/07/save-life.html

    I don't completely agree that one need courage to commit suicide. Its when a person lose courage to move on, he considers to end it.

    I've read that its all because of a complex imbalances of chemicals in the brain.

    Happy that you overcame the crisis successfully.

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  35. Very good post and touching too!!!!!

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  36. @leopaw: i will check that post. thanks for the link.
    imbalance of chemicals? hmmmmm. i didn't know that. probably so.

    @rajkumar: thank you Rajkumar. you've always been encouraging me on indivine & thanks for that too

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  37. It requires to courage to write about your experience. *Bows*

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  38. Sujatha, now at least i know that at times being coward also is also good thing for us , bcoz at least we are able to analyze things before attempting for it, no matter in a sense of fear may be...

    BTW as usual a well written post by you....

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  39. Its a pain dear.. to be a victim.. not the one that ends the life, but the others. I have seen it.. a little girl just 12 yrs old committed suicide lately for some silly problm in school, I can still see the pain her mother, father and brother.. they are the real victims.. Its easy to end life.. but harder to continue...

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  40. @Nona: thank you Nona

    @Irfn: yes Irfan i was a coward & i was afraid & it is good to be like that sometimes

    @KP: i know how it feels for the survivors, their agony never ends

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  41. realistic post happens with many and many times such thoughts come to mind but its just that second.
    That second is important.

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  42. Life is too precious and what's more precious is the love of those few people who are close to you. When I was going through a long and continuous bad phase in my life, the only thing, I used to say when such thought entered my head was, You are fighting and surviving such a deadly thing, you can surely survive life. But, one thing, I want to say, if someone has committed suicide, he/she must be in a state where he/she sees no hope.

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  43. @ Sujatha:dive deep means : you could make this more informative, like how n why people take this drastic step , why they feel alone, and what could be the solution to avoid this..I mean this issue deserve deep research for the betterment of the common people psychology...I really appreciate that you chose this topic..Keep writing:)

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  44. You are an honest and a very strong person Sujatha .I have immense respect for you :)

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  45. @sm: true SM it must be happening to many. it's just that few of them succumb to that one second's weakness

    @Saru: yes Saru when faced with hard times, if we keep telling ourselves that we can get over this, the bad times will eventually pass & we find the strength within us to face it.

    @Mithlash: ok. i understand now. thank you for taking the time & clarifying it

    @Kavita: thank you Kavita, your words mean a lot to me

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  46. It takes a lot of courage to share that you had contemplated suicide. I think it require empathy more than shocked reactions to understand what could drive a person to it. I know one thing that I can never do it. No matter what. I care too much for my family to put them through it. Good post!

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  47. @Rachna: seeing my baby daughter's face made me stick it out through those times. true Rachna cant let our families suffer because of our one wrong step

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  48. Amazed shocked...can't decide..for having met you and read your posts didn't think you who is so full of life contemplated one. Thank God you didn't go through it for then how would we have your wonderful posts.
    Post Natal depression is a common thing which in India is ignored but our ancestors knew it hence the 40 day period of rest after the birth. Looking back that period seems restful with exams and fight now between my kids :-)
    I hope and pray everyone find the courage to face their problems and overcome them

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  49. @Kirti: yeah that was the first & only time i went through extreme despair. thank God i came out of it. yes Kirti our ancestors knew well & i too pray that everyone finds the strength within themselves

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  50. I feel very strongly about this topic.|I read all these comments and realised many have been thorugh it at some point and not just a few of us have been there at the end of our rope.I have gone through this pain and the though of suicide and almost going there,to relieve myself of this plague.But like you,I too didnt have the guts.I think,when you cant share your pain with anyone and it rots within you and kills everything within,one who cannot take it anymore,they just give up.It takes a lot to come out of depression like this.Suicide is done by cowards they say,if one only realised their pain,their mindset...It takes a lot to end it all.More than why she killed her 2 kids,I was wondering what was the reason and for how long,she must be dying within.I always give credit to myself when I can immerge from such rock bottom,I think believing in yourself and finding your strength can help you.But I still dont get why she killed her kids!!!!

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  51. @Suzaan: yes,many seem to have gone through it at one point or another. with me, it was just as you said Suzaan: i couldn't share my pain with anyone, my parents had passed away, i had come out of another long relationship & hence all those 'common' friends weren't 'common' anymore, i really was up against the wall. marriage, child, job & not a soul in sight pushed me to the edge, thank god i didnt succumb.
    yeah, you're right - that woman must have lost all hope, driven to suicide by her circumstances

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  52. Complete respect to you for overcoming the tough times in a very positive and brave way :)

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  53. Is Suicide always planned ? No, People do planned suicide when their life becomes worst than death. eg. farmers.

    You are brave enough to articulate your suicidal feeling on blog so Kudos for you. We confess it or not but most of us go through suicidal tendency at least once in life. People can give psychological and philosophical lecture on suicide.

    Truth is, philosophy becomes trash when 'feel'osophy takes leads.

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  54. Moving & terrifying at the same time... I've never beet at the brink. And I thank God for that. But I'm now wiser to be sensitive to the depressed. One can never judge the breaking point!

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  55. Couldn't believe that you tried attempting suicide... Life is too too precious to lose. Its not just life, but your loved ones who makes it incredible.

    I came to know that my closed ones planned to commit suicide as they couldn't cope up with life many years back. Not enough money, no emotional support and everyday was a struggle then. But somehow they decided to live for their kid and now they are well settled and a happy family. You just need to fight back with a faith and one day it will all turn out to be good :)

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  56. Damn! You're so point-blank...
    I wonder how many people can truly write about their suicide-attempts!

    God Bless you dear... :)

    Love,
    Indie :)

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  57. great post ... it is very nice to read posts from the heart ... its high time we started a good suicide helpline in our country ...

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  58. Death; I know nothing about that as it cannot be felt alive. But, it feels (personally) to me a sin to even think of ending a life. Life is neither good or bad, its we who make it.

    Great to know you didn't succeed to reach the mark '36'. Failure does a lot good, sometimes.. :o)

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  59. Many people don't commit suicide simply coz they feel they can always do it later.But it's a sad thing.When your pain becomes so overwhelming,that erasing your existence begins looking like a viable option.I wish no one has to go through those kind of feelings.But then again,if wishes were horses,beggars like me would be raking in the moolah by being jockeys.......:-)

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  60. yeah.. you are right. Suicides are the last way out for someone stressed and depressed with life. But somehow I fnd the way popular literature seems to have romanticized suicide very disgusting. We have women who have been raped trying to commit suicide, lovers who cannot marry each other commit suicide. While I do agree that it requires courage to end one's life it requires much more courage to continue living.. Life is all about survival! Liked this post really nice!

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  61. Depression is something that has become increasingly common these days. The causes range from just pure boredom, to having to deal with complex family issues. When I was in the US, it was common to see anti depressant medical ads peak in winter, probably because of the lonliness people experience in the cold snowy winter months. There also was a toll free suicide help line that helped people who had such intentions. Perhaps such initiatives can help people tide through bad times. I am really sorry about your bad phase, but I am confident now, that you will never entertain such notions ever again!

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  62. Hi Sujatha, very well thought out post. Insightful.

    I for one, believe that life is meant to be lived. Really. Yet to see the number of attempts and successes in self-ending one's life makes me only sadder. It takes a lot of effort, dedication and pain as well, to bring and nurture a life in this world. Taking it away is the worst thing one could do to those who partook in that effort.

    Today's 'instant' generation though could care less, recent case in point: the girl who was studying in IIM Bangalore, committed suicide because her boyfriend dumped her and posted a note on Facebook. That was an a life less travelled in all the senses.

    I feel regret for every individual who is unable to pass the fiery test of depression.

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  63. A great post and a worthy one too. You might have motivated someone who would have thoughts to committing suicide...:). Everyone has to and will surely undergo that bad phase atleast once in their lives. Thats part of life. That's when you get to know how strong you are. So everyone should value their life and suicide is not the answer...

    Regards,
    Prashanth.

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  64. @Deepthi: i am glad too Deepthi i passed that phase. and wish that others who find themselves in similar siuations try & come out of it too.

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  65. @devesh: you are completely in sync with the issue raised in this post Devesh. lectures on soci-economic causes of suicides can be easily given but when "feel"osophy takes lead, empathy is what is needed. it's hardly ever planned. it's the play of emotions at that particular moment in time. the moment passes,the thought passes. appreciate your understanding

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  66. @Tanmay: rightly said Tanmay, one can never judge the breaking point.
    and yes, thank god that you've never been at the brink. it isnt a good place to be :)
    value your comment & the time you took to read the post

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  67. Well life is precious indeed and suicide is the worst thing that one can do with it..

    similar posr

    http://jayendrasharan.wordpress.com/2011/09/21/heading-out-stay-connected-with-your-friends-iii/

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  68. @Anand: well,i did go through a phase when the thought crossed my mind. & am glad i didnt do it :)

    @Amritha: thank you Amritha, yes, it isn't easy writing about these things.i just hope someone who might be going through similar times finds solace

    @Haroon: we do need effective helplines & more importantly awareness about them. i had no idea where to look for :(

    @

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  69. @Prashanth: life is what we make of it but not always. there are many going through struggles we cant even begin to imagine.
    yes m happy i didnt reach the 36 mark. i failed & failure was good :)

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  70. Deep and touching post.

    Be strong and you motivate others to be strong in the difficult moments.

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  71. @Rahul: well said Rahul sometimeslife does seem overwhelmingly intolerable & some do feel an end to it is as a viable option.

    @Meera: yes Meera it requires courage to continue living when living seems next only to hell.

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  72. @Richaa: that was an interesting observation Richa -anti-depressants rising during winter.
    thank you, those thoughts have never come to haunt me again.

    @Anish: i dont sympathise with Malini Murmu. but i do know that there are others who've ended their lives after an intense & prolonged period of sufering & suffocation. Wish as a society we could address these issues more effectively because as you rightly said Anish life is precious & takes a lot to nurture it. And nurture it we must

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  73. thank god you didn't have a prescription...

    ppl say that one need courage to die...i think one need courage to live...and live though the lows of life...to me suicide isn't a courageous act, but cowardice...

    Cheers!
    SUB
    KHOJ

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  74. @Prashanth: i hope i have motivated them to live & fight & not the other way round Prashanth. yes i have realized that most of us have been through such a phase.

    @jayendra: i agree Jayendra life is precious. will go through your post as well. thanks for the link.

    @Vyankatesh: thank you.i hope so too

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  75. @SUB: :)) maybe i really wouldnt have gone that path even with a prescription,Sub. it was a bad phase & i lived through it. yes thank god

    we need courgae to live - sure. no doubt about it. but there are people whose lives may have been so damned that they might have reached a dead end. who knows another person's breakiing point? as i wrote, no one really wants to die, not even the person thinking of suicide. they are literally up against the wall& succumb to it

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  76. Deeply touching post. Great that you came out of it unscathed. Trust me, fate helps those who move off their backsides!

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  77. Nice post but sorry to know that you had to go through so many trials and tribulations in your life which at one point of time compelled you to give up on life. Glad that you coped up with it and stood strong.

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  78. @Satish: yes, God helps those who help themselves.

    @Aakash: i went through my share of the "downs" & overcame it. I don't regret that phase because it taught me many things. Thank you Aakash, i am happy too that i stood strong & only wish that many others like me find their inner strength

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  79. Excellent post !! quite emotional yet very encouraging too . .. It'll work like a realization pill for people who are in a low phase of life . .. !!

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  80. @sonam: i hope so too that it works as a realization pill. thank you Sonam

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  81. oh i am so sure even if you had the prescription u would have never done it :) :)... you came through it with flying colours and thats so commendable Sujatha.. I totally agree with your first lines... Every suicide victim makes one last attempt at life. They wait for that one person, with whom they can talk & share their agony, somebody who could listen to them, & not judge, but just empathize....I really pray that every person who is ready to give up gets that one person.. As usual a very inspiring post :) :)

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  82. loved your post absolutely.it takes courage to write the truth. RESPECT!

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  83. Life is tough but you emerged tougher.

    Noting is wrong or right in life,it is the moments that make us take steps in life.Take life as it comes and I hope evrything will fall in place.

    The last para encouraged to move ahead in life. A great post.

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  84. beautifully written.....keep writing....all the best

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  85. @Sunita: wow! to think that someone who, you never met/saw/talked with, can actually understand you so well, is something that never fails to amaze me & the blogger world has shown that to me time & again.
    You just reaffirmed it! Yes Sunita i'd never do that :) M glad you said it in as many words! Thank you.

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  86. @maniac: :) thank you so much

    @Neeraj: yes Neeraj, some moments uplift us, some push us to the brink. you rephrased it well - i hope the last para does that - encourages someone who is feeling "at the edge" to move ahead.

    @Sanjay: thank you very much for your comment Sanjay

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  87. This is such a brave post. To be able to talk openly about such a dark phase in your life. I am astonished. And I so admire you for this. In awe. OF the fight you put of and survived the tough times. So glad you did.

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  88. @Zeba: thank you Zeba. so nice of you to say that,thanks

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  89. Bravo on this personal post about your past struggles. I am very sure this eye-opening topic would definitely reach out and hold-hands of the ones struggling with this same issue.

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  90. Such a good post- thank you for bringing this much needed topic brought to light. Also, thank you for your transparency-- often we think it is the HUGE things which will cause someone to want to take their life; often it is the small things...one thing built on the other.

    Indeed life is sooo valuable- to be thrown away- if we can just let each other know how precious they are to us- they are worthwhile and need to continue this life to the fullest!

    Thank you again for a great and thought provoking post!!

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  91. Such an encouraging post! Yes, life is 'too precious' to waste! We do go through extremely depressing time, yet find it difficult to share. Thank you so much for sharing freely which does give one a lot of hope.

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  92. Loneliness,not being given importance definitely leads to stress and ask ourselves what a kind of life we are living.That happened/happens to me as well.But I have never dared to even think about suicide and all that.More over When this thought of "what death will be like?" comes to my mind I literally get drenched in sweat and will have a headache.I'm that attached to my little life.

    I am not sure about people considering suicide and I can never comment on them as one has to climb in their skin and walk around in it to know how exactly they feel.After all our eyes might resemble but our vision and way of seeing will not.

    But then,suicide is the first and last resort of a coward that too a foolish, mindless coward..I wrote that in this articleWhy do you wanna die?. when one of my friends died.

    Also there is a flip side of suicide which is the impact it leaves in others life.In the above case I happened to see the agony of that guy's parents.His momentary,hurried mistake had formed the source of a never ending torment for his parents.Even I was haunted by his memories and could not lead a normal life for a week or so.

    So suicide is at top of my never ever dare to think about stuff list.And I guess it should be for everyone.

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  93. And regarding your writing,I think awesome will be less of a word that can be said.I am not the one who throws compliments just like that unless I am really impressed and there is really something special. I have read couple of articles long back and now read other two.

    The clarity,simplicity,choice of subjects,way of handling and to the point approach is evident. I can sense a professional knack of catching the reader's attention without flamboyant words or grand language(which are bread and butter for many writers).I guess what you write and your way of seeing at things with heart makes the articles tick than other things.You must be a compassionate person.And you as a person is more visible than you as a writer.

    Finally,I wish I can write like you do except that I will be accused of imitating.Do keep on writing and I don't have a shard of doubt that you will be a damn good writer even if you take up mainstream writing.

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  94. @Kiran: thank you Kiran, i hope so too that this post holds hands for others who may be facing the similar issues

    @Anjuli: you are so right Anjuli, it is the small things building on one another that leads to thoughts of suicide. wish people would understand that before judging someone. thank you for understanding

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  95. @Ruprekha: thank you Ruprekha. we are all human & most of have had some very trying times.but like you said sometimes it becomes difficult to share

    @Vishnu: yes you are right the ones who are left behind have a lifelong suffering to endure. one who goes, goes in a flash & leaves a trail of pain & anguish

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  96. @Vishnu: i am honored Vishnu that you think so about my writing. thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

    i must add that i really appreciate the time you took to read more than 1 post of mine & then when you posted your responses, you were elaborate & generous too - both with your time & effort. thank you for that.

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  97. who gave us rights to take birth!
    now with which rights we choose our death!
    decider is beyond us!

    thoughtful post! :)

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  98. Very moving post...Been there too.
    I wouldnt call anyone a coward for committing suicide though.A person should have the freedom to decide if he/she wants to continue living or not.After all no one asked him if he wanted to be born.So if he wants to end it,he should be allowed to.Assisted suicide is legal and available in some countries like Switzerland,and should be made available as long as the person is fully aware of the irreversibility of the decision.

    The only real tragedy is that,while the persons suffering ends,his family's suffering begins
    And in the heart of hearts I believe that many people continue living only because of loved ones/dependents.Also humans employ a lot psychological processes like pollyannaism to keep believing that tomorrow will always be better,when the truth is there is an equal chance that tomorrow can be worse too.We succesfully delude ourselves for our own sake.

    Further reading:Works of Arthur Schopenhauer,and The myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus on the basic meaninglessness of life.

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  99. @Arumugam: true - tomorrow can be worse, we delude ourselves. i didnt know it was was pollyannaism.

    i love the work of Albert Camus. i haven't read Arthur. will try & read.

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  100. Very rightly said "life is too precious to waste on anyone or anything"....
    twas a nice read..

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  101. A suicide attempt is a clear indication that something is gravely wrong in a person’s life. No matter the race or age of the person; how rich or poor they are, it is true that most people who commit suicide have a mental or emotional disorder.I am a victim once attempted suicide due to emotional imbalance of the mind due to my failed love, I may be immature in my thoughts at that time in my young life...I did not go in for any sleeping pills or I looked up to the ceiling fan to hang myself...but I just cut my wrists with a kitchen knife and lay on my bed...lost conscious and when I regained it, I was in a hospital with my parents around me...the guilt and trauma I suffered later on was unbearable..it took nearly a year and a half to regain my composure...Cowards die a thousand deaths The valiant taste of death but once...I am neither a coward not a valiant...depression took me into the eye of the hurricane and made me invalid of my thoughts

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  102. @Rubina: the very thought of cutting my wrist with a knife sent shivers down my spine but i know that at that moment one never knows, the grief and depression can, like you said, take us into the eye of the hurricane

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  103. I think Jo suicide karne ki sakti rakhte unme duniya ki har musibat se ladne ki sakti hoti hai.

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  104. @Rajendra: hmmm. shayad. i wish it is so

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  105. sometimes situations overwhelm us so much that death seems a better option.. And trust me there is a mad moment in everybody's life when they CAN commit suicide.. distract them at that moment and they wont have the guts.. Its a true fact.. That moment is crucial and decides if you will live or die.. In your case you had too much time going from store to store and maybe that saved you..
    I have thought of suicide too..glad I didn't have the guts to do it.. Lifes good now :)

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  106. @M: yes, that one mad moment.thanks for your understanding. same pinch -life's good now :))

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  107. I am sharing it with my sucide prevention network in face book without your permission. It is very important truthful post with lot of lessons.

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    1. no need of permission Sir. if it can help someone that's all...that is more important. thank you Sir for sharing

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