Exactly four years since my last
post. And what is on my mind today? The New F word:
F
for Forty, F for Fabulous
I know women getting maudlin
at the threshold of 40. It’s like being in the last stage of cancer. It’s too
much to handle, the calendar running away with our youth. I remember how
jittery I was at 29 at the thought of turning 30. I felt weepy & depressed.
Was there no stopping the clock? I kept wondering. Today, I’m eight months due
for forty & actually, strangely, looking forward to it, planning to throw a
big bash & announce to the world I’m 40!
I’ve never felt this good. Physically, body image
insecurities have taken a beating. Slowly vanishing curves, protruding belly,
tanned body from numerous road trips, falling hair, sagging skin - despite all
this, I am unfazed. Are all 40 year olds this secure? My body confidence is
definitely a boon of my advancing years. Or is it the certainty of death that has invigorated me? Has it freed me from the bondage of other
people’s opinion of me? I’ve been a prisoner so long! Time now to free myself! “Don’t
sweat the small stuff” said Richard Carlson. Look at how many years it has
taken me to get there.
“It took me 40 years to
look this good.”
I’ve begun to question my
own ideologies, to not be unsettled by the answers, to be shaken by the truth. I wasn't always this confident. Oh why not,I moan today! The years I’ve lost in trying to
please people & confirm to their mould of how a woman from a certain place
(Udupi) or caste (Shetty) or religion (Hindu) or profession (Teacher) behaves.
“I’m 40 years old. I’m
done with faking friendships & orgasms. Done”
Has the thought of turning 40 galvanized me? I’m finally
unapologetic of my opinions, not ashamed of my desires. I abuse. I lust. I
speak my mind. I think now I can surely punch people in the face, if needed.
And simply dump the new found aggression at the door of my exploding hormones. I
can beat my chest, puff it up & exclaim “Don’t you shhhh me anymore.”
“At
middle age the soul should be opening up like a rose, not closing up like a
cabbage.” John Holmes
To be able hear clearly our own voice amid the din surrounding us, to listen to the inner thoughts, to relish solitude, I believe TIME has already started its magical effects on me. Am I looking forward to my own end? Is that giving me wings
to fly? Family taken care of, a child given birth to & raised, a husband
well looked after, is it now time to let go? I hear doors of opportunities
opening, for self-exploration, for trying out things, for dusting off the past,
making one final, clean sweep. I’m looking ahead, ready to take chances, with
people, & experiences, ready to let go. The lonely walk that
was scary earlier is revered now.
