My Biggest Fear

I used to be petrified of my future, in the past. When I was younger, all I feared was not having money when I grew older. In my 20’s, I dreaded financial dependence. I was scared of having to ask someone else for money. The money could be for anything, for meeting my daily needs, for buying clothes, for going out, for donating to a cause I believe in, for eating out, for travelling, for ordering in, a zillion things. 

I was so afraid of my unseen future that I would save. I was an obsessive, compulsive saver. I did not want to have to beg anyone for money. That meek look on my face, the extended arms, the seemingly endless wait, the anxiety of rejection – all these accompanied a request for money. I did not want to go through it. I have seen men making their women wait before they doled out the cash. Some perverse pleasure in watching the dependence. 

Today, at 48, I am in the future, that I always wondered about, in my past. I am not financially dependent. No, I don’t ask anyone for money to fulfill any of my needs. In fact, even though, it has been three years since my last full-time job, I have been living off my savings and even help run the show at home. The thing I feared, that thing never came to pass. My worst nightmare never materialized and boy, am I glad!

I am joyful and content today. I feel all those years of slogging my ass off and saving and struggling and taking on all the responsibilities of a job, house, family, child, all of the sweat and tears paid off. Today, when I nap in the afternoon for an hour, when I read a book, when I do gardening, when I cook what I like to eat and feed my family and not only cook but cook well and happily too, when I stretch my body for a bit of online yoga, when I chant mantras and shlokas, I feel at peace. I feel my life did amount to something. That, finally, it all added up well. 

I read somewhere that the real luxuries of life are sleep, freedom to travel, peace of mind, a siesta, an evening walk, leisurely late Sundays, home food, good clothes, doing what you like when you like. All the things that we take for granted or never value when we are young. 

I like the person that I have become. The old me is a happy me, a content me. The young me was really terrified of how things would turn out eventually. I would constantly worry. As a youngster, I was mortified that my life may go from bad to worse. What if this happened? What if that happened? The what ifs never came to be. Thank God for that. It is a divine kripa (blessing) that your 40’s are fulfilling and peaceful and relaxed.

Does it happen often, that what we fear the most, never fructifies? Given the fact that I am a compulsive overthinker, it can be traumatizing visualizing a future so dark. But in the end, things turned out well. At least, so far.

I remember a school friend once remarked that I am someone who likes to be in control. Yeah, right! I do. The fact that at 48, I have not lost my marbles, yet, and that I still call the shots in most areas concerning my life and that I can still afford, money-wise, to do what I like, even if it is just a relaxing facial once a month, yeah, that is satisfying.