Death

My daughter's best friend lost her father. Last year. She was in 5^th standard. Ten years old.

She didn't cry. Or rather, I didn’t see her cry. Two weeks later, when she came to our home, I didn’t see her sad or mourning or weeping. I was looking out to catch a tear waiting to roll down. There was none. So normal she was that I was appalled to see it.

But wait! Why was I so desperate to see her sad? Why was I scanning her eyes? Why was I waiting for her to start missing her father any moment now and maybe either start howling in sheer grief or sit in a corner and sob silently?

Is it because it pushed me to think of my own death? It made me wonder how would Tanvi my daughter, react when faced with a similar unfortunate and clearly mentally devastating situation, so early on in life. Will she also be “normal” in two weeks flat? Most importantly, do I WANT her to cry for days on end when I die?

I do. I do!

Oh My God! Did I just say that out loud? Such a vain woman! So vain! So utterly despicably vain!

Thoughts of mortality – are they morbid or actually uplifting and beneficial? Visiting my mortality, time and again, in my thoughts, over the years, has been a see-saw ride for me.

I have said this, to many people, many times, that if I live till 50, that’s all I ask. I don’t want a long life. 50 will do for me. And to think, that’s just another ten years ahead.

Sometimes, this thought of death is accompanied by a sense of urgency and unreasonable bouts of jealousy. Knowing that there are so many places I still have not visited and desperately, (yes, desperately in bold and red), want to see, and so little time to do it all. That makes me wonder if I will be an unhappy soul. An ‘atrapth atma’ (unfulfilled soul) roaming the streets pushing tourists off the cliff or drowning others as they splash in the beach or choking some as they relish their food in a fancy restaurant. Will I be doing that? Will I turn into a vengeful, dissatisfied ex-traveller snuffing out the lives of other seemingly happy travellers? I can very well see myself doing that! What a shame! But I swear, if I die before I have seen all the places I want to see and do all the things I want to do, I will come back and haunt YOU – You who are now onto your next lovely travel adventure.

Then my thoughts turn to my daughter. 11 years old now. How will she manage her life without her mother? The question is almost always followed by a long, thoughtful pause.  And then hits the piercing, stabbing-my-heart-till-it-bleeds-and-wets-the-floor realization. She will do just fine. She is far too practical and far less emotional than I have ever been. And that is both scary and comforting, at the same time.

It is scary because I am a selfish mother. Won’t she shed a few bloody tears bemoaning her great loss? Don’t I deserve a few months, (no, make it years), of sorrow for having given birth to her and raised her and then gone, wooof into thin air, leaving her all alone? I the mother, the creator, the nurturer, the nourisher - forgotten easily and surely – is that my fate?

It is comforting because for a mother there is no greater achievement than knowing that her daughter is confident. That she raised a girl who is self-reliant and can live her life without being a crutch. That all the sweat and sacrifice one endured has resulted in a child who will be just fine, even without you. That’s huge. I know. After all, isn’t that the whole purpose of parenting? To raise a young one such that one day they can set out on their own and not depend on you.

Sigh! I have to make peace with not getting those bucketful of tears.

Damn!

The 10 Things that Make Me Feel Good

1. Waking up, after a long restful sleep, to a breakfast buffet, in a lovely resort, miles away, from your home in the city.

When we are on a vacation, we all wake up together & I actually look forward to the elaborate breakfast prepared for me by someone else! And how can I forget the variety of things on offer! What a welcome change from everyday life back in your house, where my day starts at 6 a.m, & till 8.30 I'm busy with the morning tasks: preparing breakfast & lunch, getting Tanvi ready for school, so on & so forth. Someone else cooking for me, has always figured right on top of my how-to-list of, "Simple Ways to Make Me Happy."

2. Leafing through my school yearbook & old family albums & laughing at my hairstyle, posture, dressing & face. Some of it is embarrassing alright; but then, that is how I started & then reached to being who or what I’m today. My personal growth & the journey of finding my own bearings, in this big, big world, fills me with joy & a sense of accomplishment.

Or catching up with school/college friends & laughing at the crazy things we did back then. Recently, I met my school friend, Zeena, after EIGHTEEN years!!

Seeing my daughter & her son playing together in the beach also made me feel good. Did I ever imagine this would happen one day? NEVER. So when the scene unfolded in front of my eyes, I felt all kinds of emotions – contentment, gratitude, happiness, surprise. 3. A comedy movie that makes me CRY. Ben Stiller & Steve Martin totally crack me up. I’m one of those that speak & laugh loud, completely letting my hair down. There have been times my stomach hurt & felt like it was in knots, by the end of a marathon session of uncontrolled laughter, & i have actually left the room or the seat, unable to laugh any longer & still continued to break into fits of sporadic giggles.

4. I still fit in to the blouses/clothes/jeans/t-shirt of yesteryears! This is one thing that I show-off & tease Sathya all the time about: I can easily get into a shirt I bought 7 years ago while he struggles to get into something bought as recently as four months back. Yes, he is gaining weight & how!

5. The way my skin feels & my hair smells after a languorous bath. The mixed fragrances of the body wash, the face wash, the shampoo, the conditioner & the moisturizing cream at the end of it all is HEADY! That is also the reason why I LOOVE spas – sensual indulgence is definitely my thing. Getting pampered is a good thing, I say.

6. Finding that one face I know & like, in a social or formal gathering. A huge hall filled with strange people & faces unsettles me just a wee bit & spotting a friend instantly lifts my spirits.

7. The feel of my daughter’s hand on me while she is fast asleep & I am still listening to the rhythms of her heart or her slow, soft breathing.

8. An act of goodness done by me or to me. It touches me immensely.

9. A kind gesture from a complete stranger in a completely new city. I have been to so many little nukes & corner of India that when a Telugu/Tamilian/Maharashtrian/Keralite/Goan/Bengali/Delhiite/Uttaranchal responds to you as a fellow Indian & & as a human being first & foremost, & not as a person belonging to a particular community or state, it is a moment I deeply cherish.

10. Putting my hand across my man’s chest & slowly drifting off to sleep after an evening spent worrying & crying. I cry & worry easy. Most days I console myself & spring back pretty well. But there are days when just lying next to your spouse makes it all seem small; that everything’s really ok or will be soon enough. I have realized that most of the instances I have mentioned above have one thing in common: they are, to a large extent, the moments when I have either felt beautiful in my own skin or loved and wanted by a near & dear one.

I also realized that not only do i cry/worry easy, i smile easy too. It doesn't or hasn't taken much for me to be happy. Yesterday I was so glad to visit Chitrakala Parishad. It was my first time there! And eating Vada Pav from a Goli outlet on my way back home!

Life's good! And there surely are more than 10 things that make me feel so!