Character Flaw

Remember that scene from Simran where she asks her fiancé if he has any character flaws? He replies saying if she had a boyfriend, he wasn’t going to hold it against her. And she quips, “Having a boyfriend is not a character flaw. If anything, it takes skill to flirt. My character flaw is I am addicted to gambling and stealing.”

The dictionary tells you a violent temper is a character flaw because it affects the person’s actions. So a flaw is something of an imperfection, a limitation. If you look at Shakespearean heroes, each of them had a distinctive flaw that defined them and ultimately, destroyed them. Othello was suspicious, Hamlet indecisive and King Lear loved flattery.

One of my character flaws is (oh yes, I have many. Not a Shakespearean heroine to have just one!) I keep quiet in situations where I know I should have spoken. Keeping quiet is my undoing. But I keep quiet, nonetheless. And regret it to eternity! I keep quiet when a friend or family member or even an acquaintance (just realized that the category ‘friends/family/acquaintances’ – practically covers the entire world) hurts me or says mean words, or throws sarcastic comments, or insults, or generally behaves badly. I keep quiet thinking, if I speak, things will turn ugly; there will be a full blown war and the relationship will end.

I know. I know. It is a stupid logic. It never works. That is why it is my most potent flaw.

I keep quiet till I can keep quiet no more. No more could be in terms of months and years! It depends - a) on the person or the kind of relationship I share with him/her: close family/dear friend/close friend or colleague of the spouse b) how long have I known the person: couple of meetings, random encounters, or repeated interactions.

I keep quiet for so long that I can’t take it any longer.  It’s too much negativity to take in. I lose sleep over it. I think I got this trait from my mother. Or it’s just that we both are Aquarians. According to Sigmund Freud “unexpressed emotions never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways. An outburst of anger is the outward expression of inner pain that has been silenced for far too long.” Trust the experts. He is right. All that buried frustration and pent up anger just explodes like a volcano one day. And then, what I feared the most, all along, from the first instance, actually happens. The relationship ends. For the longest time, I thought why did I leave behind so many friends and why did so many leave me?  The blame falls on me for the end. I become the ‘bad’ person who spoilt a good thing. The silence costs me my name and my respect.

But I never learn. Another relationship, another hurt, another silence, another outburst.

A research states that humans are wired to forgive. It is a problem. This ‘maaf kardo’ mind-set is why some people continue to stay in bad relationships. Humans have a tendency to give others a benefit of the doubt. We forgive even when we have evidence that they don’t deserve it. We do so because people sometimes behave badly by accident. We think we may be mistaken. If we act on negative impressions too soon, we might miss out on the many benefits of social connection and end a relationship abruptly.

Now, that’s some strong research backing my character flaw!

The 10 Things that Make Me Feel Good

1. Waking up, after a long restful sleep, to a breakfast buffet, in a lovely resort, miles away, from your home in the city.

When we are on a vacation, we all wake up together & I actually look forward to the elaborate breakfast prepared for me by someone else! And how can I forget the variety of things on offer! What a welcome change from everyday life back in your house, where my day starts at 6 a.m, & till 8.30 I'm busy with the morning tasks: preparing breakfast & lunch, getting Tanvi ready for school, so on & so forth. Someone else cooking for me, has always figured right on top of my how-to-list of, "Simple Ways to Make Me Happy."

2. Leafing through my school yearbook & old family albums & laughing at my hairstyle, posture, dressing & face. Some of it is embarrassing alright; but then, that is how I started & then reached to being who or what I’m today. My personal growth & the journey of finding my own bearings, in this big, big world, fills me with joy & a sense of accomplishment.

Or catching up with school/college friends & laughing at the crazy things we did back then. Recently, I met my school friend, Zeena, after EIGHTEEN years!!

Seeing my daughter & her son playing together in the beach also made me feel good. Did I ever imagine this would happen one day? NEVER. So when the scene unfolded in front of my eyes, I felt all kinds of emotions – contentment, gratitude, happiness, surprise. 3. A comedy movie that makes me CRY. Ben Stiller & Steve Martin totally crack me up. I’m one of those that speak & laugh loud, completely letting my hair down. There have been times my stomach hurt & felt like it was in knots, by the end of a marathon session of uncontrolled laughter, & i have actually left the room or the seat, unable to laugh any longer & still continued to break into fits of sporadic giggles.

4. I still fit in to the blouses/clothes/jeans/t-shirt of yesteryears! This is one thing that I show-off & tease Sathya all the time about: I can easily get into a shirt I bought 7 years ago while he struggles to get into something bought as recently as four months back. Yes, he is gaining weight & how!

5. The way my skin feels & my hair smells after a languorous bath. The mixed fragrances of the body wash, the face wash, the shampoo, the conditioner & the moisturizing cream at the end of it all is HEADY! That is also the reason why I LOOVE spas – sensual indulgence is definitely my thing. Getting pampered is a good thing, I say.

6. Finding that one face I know & like, in a social or formal gathering. A huge hall filled with strange people & faces unsettles me just a wee bit & spotting a friend instantly lifts my spirits.

7. The feel of my daughter’s hand on me while she is fast asleep & I am still listening to the rhythms of her heart or her slow, soft breathing.

8. An act of goodness done by me or to me. It touches me immensely.

9. A kind gesture from a complete stranger in a completely new city. I have been to so many little nukes & corner of India that when a Telugu/Tamilian/Maharashtrian/Keralite/Goan/Bengali/Delhiite/Uttaranchal responds to you as a fellow Indian & & as a human being first & foremost, & not as a person belonging to a particular community or state, it is a moment I deeply cherish.

10. Putting my hand across my man’s chest & slowly drifting off to sleep after an evening spent worrying & crying. I cry & worry easy. Most days I console myself & spring back pretty well. But there are days when just lying next to your spouse makes it all seem small; that everything’s really ok or will be soon enough. I have realized that most of the instances I have mentioned above have one thing in common: they are, to a large extent, the moments when I have either felt beautiful in my own skin or loved and wanted by a near & dear one.

I also realized that not only do i cry/worry easy, i smile easy too. It doesn't or hasn't taken much for me to be happy. Yesterday I was so glad to visit Chitrakala Parishad. It was my first time there! And eating Vada Pav from a Goli outlet on my way back home!

Life's good! And there surely are more than 10 things that make me feel so!