Divorce

I didn’t marry the first guy I loved. I love the guy I married. Had I married B and then felt suffocated, which I am sure I would have, divorce would have been a messy option. 

It is interesting that second relationships or marriages have a stronger chance of endurance than a first relationship or marriage, especially one that happened at a young age. This post comes in the heels of having just finished reading ‘Committed’ by Elizabeth Gilbert. I read the book a few years back and wrote a draft of this post back then! The book dwells upon the institution of marriage and its history and what makes it so desirable and in some cultures, essential.

For me, marriage hasn’t been a sacred or religious entity. It wasn’t so when I almost got married to the guy I fell in love with in college nor when I finally actually got married to Sathya. Though I respect all the customs and rites involved in a Hindu wedding, the force that wants me to believe in marriage, and one that is still binding me to Sathya, is not that.

Had I felt as strangulated and gasping for air with Sathya as I felt with B, I am sure I would have considered living on my own and not been in a marriage that had turned into a farce. I am fortunate it doesn’t feel so. And I also understand and know that for many women, and even men for that matter, marriage can be debilitating. Sometimes, we all feel like the wild animal that has been caught by the ring master of a circus. He has no choice but to perform. 

Most Asian and Middle-Eastern cultures regard marriage very highly. Children, family, social responsibilities are built into the expectations of a young adolescent. The ultimate aim is to “settle down.” For the woman, the search is on to find a man who earns well and can afford to look after his wife and kids financially. For the man, to find a wife who will cook well and raise well-behaved kids. So naturally, divorce is an extremely stigmatized word.  Why couldn’t the woman have adjusted? That is the first question people ask.  

I have thought of that option too, many times, over a 13 year marriage. Misunderstandings and fights and the isolation and that ‘being alone’ feeling that follows makes us think of divorce as a solution. If we move apart, live far away from each other, we reason, at least one of us can be happy. I have said this explicitly to Sathya “I will work and take care of the children, you please live peacefully at least from now on as we have messed up each other’s lives for so many years. Be a free bird”. You would think a man would want to hear that. He would be waiting for it. A bird is the ultimate symbol of freedom. But even that bird flies back to its nest as the sun sets. Every one of us longs for the security of a place we can call home. Many men are like that.

If a relationship is about repeated fights, constant misunderstandings, endless anxiety, continuous worry, what is the point of being together? I walked out of one relationship and into another in the hope that each fight would be better than the last; that as the sun sets, you would still want to be with each other, that being together was a better option than being alone or apart. Thank God, it is!

Love without Expectations

Can you? I can’t. Love without expectations is saintly love & I’m no saint; nor intend to be one. I’m human. Love is a need. I expect. If this isn’t true love, then I’ve not been in true love because I’ve always expected & I know that the other person has expected too.

When I love someone, I look forward to certain things; a love in return to begin with. Doesn’t love start with the hope that the person loves you back; that he sees you, notices your existence, likes you just one bit at a time? Later, when you realize he loves you too, you move on to level 2 – hope he does this, hope he does that. And when that is done, a new list springs up! There really is no end to it. The question is should there be? Yes, Buddha said expectations are the cause of all suffering. But then, does that knowledge stop us? When I pray, I expect God to take care of me, be there when I’m drowning in a sea of tears, & give me strength. Even with God, the relationship is of wanting & needing, toh insaan kya cheez hai!

The problem with expectations is that it’s not always expressed. Unless you say what you want, how will you ever get it? I’m not a mind-reader! The frustration builds up because we assume he MUST know & understand us very well without a single word exchanged just because he is married to us. The truth is we’ve to tell, suggest, communicate, express, say, hint. Otherwise, he might try all he can & yet not measure up to our ‘hidden’ expectations.

As for what I expect from my man, it’s the most important thing he can give me - his TIME. I can’t live with a man who is a workaholic, spends 15 hours in office, 5 hours sleeping, 1 hour eating, 1 hour in the bathroom & 10 minutes with me. Since I’m not in a race to create any jaaydad (ancestral wealth) for my progeny, I’d rather he earns a few thousands less, than over-working (or pretending to!!) & coming home only to bathe & sleep. I don’t need him to earn for me. That I can manage very well all by myself.

I’d love it if he’d make me laugh; make me chuckle through my sometimes nonsensical fits of anger, & my crazy bouts of stupidity & silliness.

I want my man to fight with me! Sometimes! I want little tiffs to dot our journey as man & wife because they lend an intensity & hunger to the relationship like none other. The kind of fights where, one moment, you want to kill each other & the next, can’t bear to stay apart! Perfect understanding? Naah! I don’t want to end up a boring old couple who don’t speak through words but only through telepathy even if they are sitting on chairs bang opposite each other!

I also expect my man to fix the fan/car/bike/washing machine/T.V/tube light &mixer when it breaks down! Well, at least the first level repair, the diagnosis of what’s wrong with the damn machine. Arey, if it weren’t for one of these smaller mercies of life, why would I need a man in the first place? A man & his muscles have many uses!! And while he is at it, I also expect him to stop bragging that my curry turned out super because of his three second ‘tadka’ magic!

Love to Hate You

No, this isn’t a spoof on the Arjun Rampal show. It’s actually the state of my mind. Have I hated anyone to the point of annihilation? Yes I have - my mother’s mother, my monster-in-law, & a friend’s wife - let’s call her memsahib.

Problem with granny: There’s always that 1 person in every family who is the villain. What she did to my mother is what I hold against her. I stopped talking to her. I’d never get myself to even see her face. My mother forgave her saying, “she bore me for 9 months in her womb.” Yes, my mother was a real life Nirupa Roy!

Problem with MIL: I did all I’d to make peace with the situation I found myself in, to please her, to find a way into her heart but nothing worked. Some people are born with every organ except the one that is most needed – a heart. After I’d reached the last ounce of my endurance, I remember saying to Sathya, “It’s over for me” And when I say something is over, it truly is over.

Problem with Memsahib: her ingratitude, artificiality & holier than thou attitude. She is the last of the surviving sati savitris/perfect bahus on this planet. Or so she thinks.

Does hatred kill us? Eat us? I don’t know. The people I hate I negate. That’s all. I don’t see them, talk to them. They simply don’t exist for me anymore. That’s the extent to which I distance myself. I turn ice-cold in the face of ingratitude & indifference. If I’m not wanted or welcome, I erase that person from my life. Is it good? Is it bad? This is not a question of morality. This is a simple, & yet, not so simple case of being unloved. The feeling of being unwanted can drive you to emotional desperation.

Why can’t I find within me the strength & the largesse to let go? Because I don’t live in half measure: I love fully, I hate fully. I don’t live cautiously or according to society’s book of superficial etiquette. When you love someone & do things in the hope that it’ll make them happy but it doesn’t, & they expect more & more but do not show gratitude or even a smile, is when it starts pinching, very hard. A calculative person treats a relationship with an excel sheet at the back of his mind with all columns/rows neatly filled in. Love someone with a hidden agenda, you won’t be hurt. You hurt when you give it your all & get taken for granted.

Sometimes, compromising & adjusting actually gives the other person the power to walk all over you. “Joh jhuka use aur jhukao”. I’m proved wrong when I think “This relation is important to me, so it must be important to them too & hence the way I’m working at it, they must be working at it too”. It doesn’t function that way. You realize it has been a one-way street all along & your decency is your weakness. That’s when deep love turns to great hatred & the hatred sustains you because the love has gone & left a gaping vacuum leaving the other face of love to fill its place – and that is hatred. “Love & hate are alike, it’s the same energy inverted” (Osho)

“Hate can become love: it is energy in a disturbed state. The energy can be calmed, stilled” says Osho. Maybe I’m waiting for a closure. Waiting for the day when I can actually face them & tell them they hurt me, the nights I sobbed myself to sleep or wept till my eyes dried out. Maybe I’m waiting for the day they’ll say, “I’m sorry I hurt you.” And mean it. Till then, I love to hate you.

How I met your father

Dear Tanvi

In a few years from now, you may wonder about love, romance & marriage. You had innocently asked me once where you were when your father & I met. I’d told you that you were in the sky then & came in much later. You were busy playing with God when we met each other & then God sent you into my stomach & you came into our lives.

Today, I want you to know how your father & I met; and how we went on to get married.

I was working in UTL in Whitefield since Sept 2004. Your father joined the company in March 2005. I remember the day I saw him for the 1st time. I was at my desk. I stood up & turned around to get a print. That’s when I noticed a tall, well-built man, formally dressed, standing outside Carol’s cabin (Admin mgr). He had curly, wet (?!) hair. What I can never forget is his ‘nasheeli’ eyes - big, dark, round eyes. Hypnotic. There was a soft “wow” in my head. I turned away. He must be one of the vendors, I thought. I forgot all about him.

A week later, he reappeared. Apparently, that day he had come for an interview. He was now Carol’s assistant & was going to be seated in the workstation right behind mine. I later learnt that, the previous night, he was so drunk, that the next day when he finally made it to the interview somehow, he was suffering from a very bad hangover. So much for his ‘nasheeli’ eyes!

He enjoyed female attention. He loved cracking jokes & generally playing to the gallery. The 4-5 girls who were seated in the same bay, always surrounded him & laughed at all his silly jokes & ‘ooh- aah’d at all the songs he played on his system. I hated him. I thought he was one BIG show-off. How I detested all show-offs!! I never laughed at any of his jokes & held myself back from enjoying the ‘stupid’ music he played.

I can’t recall what broke the ice between us but slowly we started talking. He sure was a lot of fun!!


















In April, we –a group of 3 girls & 2 boys- went to Chennarayapatna, to attend Sumanth Gowda’s brother’s post-wedding banquet. Your father & I had the time of our life that day. There were tears in my eyes – that’s how much he made me laugh. Who could resist his antics & witty one-liners?! I think I was beginning to fall in love –again –with him! To this day, the snap we took there, is prominently displayed in the showcase of our living room.

In May, he said he wanted to marry me. On June 17th 2005, we became man & wife.

Come June this 2011, it’s going to be 6 years for our marriage. In hindsight, would I change anything? No. Should I have not loved him? No. Would I rather have married the steady, well-settled, mature, sensible, upright, responsible, always correct, Mr. Right? Certainly …………………………..…. NO.

I’m lucky to be your father’s best friend & wife. I hope you’re just as lucky. Today, I can wish you more but all I really want to wish you is an equally (if not more) interesting man you would want to spend your life (P.S: but more importantly your holidays) with!!

Love,
Mummy

Betrayal

What is betrayal? Is it a glance that lasts too long? Or long conversations with your colleague? Is it sleeping with somebody? Or is it just emotional betrayal?

Will I be ok if Sathya did any one of these things? Will his conversations with his female colleagues distress me? Will I be paranoid about it? Will I imagine his interactions in the office, recreating scenes? Will I obsess over such trivia as who does he have his breakfast & dinner with? Will I be able to take it in my stride if I were ever betrayed? Will I let it go?

Right now, he is indispensable to my life. I can’t imagine myself apart from him. I may detest a 100 things in him but I love him, I need him. Any thought or deed of betrayal from him would be a death blow to me. Yes, I want to foolishly believe that it will never ever happen to me. He won’t fall in love with someone else ever, so long as I am still alive & still with him. Naïve? Yes. More than naiveté, it is a defense mechanism. It’s like by repeatedly telling myself that he loves me & will always love me & only me, it will become an inerasable reality. But hypothetically speaking, if it happens, then what? I am psyching myself out with this topic.

No, I won’t let it go. No matter how much I might love & need him, I think I will not tolerate infidelity. I can’t. It’s not an ego thing. It is plain sense: he is interested in someone else, not in me anymore. If he pretends otherwise, he could either be playing it safe & having the best of both worlds or he might just be a chicken, not brave enough to face the truth that he is involved with some other woman. So, either ways, he is fooling me. And the way I look at it, well, I am gullible enough for a whole lot of people who find it easy to fool me, from shopkeepers to hawkers to rickshawallas to neighbors to colleagues to relatives to friends. I definitely don’t need my husband to top that lousy list!

More than the actual act of unfaithfulness, I guess the fooling game is what I am petrified of. The “usko thodi na maloom padega” attitude; the “Aur agar maloom pada bhi toh kuch bolke mamla nipta lunga” nonchalance; the “usko mein sambhal lunga” confidence. If he ever gets attracted to someone else, I would rather he chooses her & goes with her. I wouldn’t like to be in a dishonest relationship where we both know he is cheating on me. I can’t bring myself to turn a blind eye to the sordid affair in order to continue with a ‘happy couple’ façade for the society. Damn the people! Damn him! I will be fine on my own. Thank you. I won’t suffer in silence in a hollow marriage just to please the neighborhood aunties.

I will prefer he goes to his new woman because one act of straying is still an act of straying. There must have been something not fulfilling enough in our twosome that made him look outside. Or maybe it was just an impulsive office affair that went one step too far. Whatever. As far as I am concerned, it is OVER. He can have her, as wife, girlfriend or keep. Who cares? He is good with her.

Will I remarry? Will I find in me the heart to be able to love another man again? Well, I do believe in the saying, “Never say never” :)

But I also know that, that’s highly unlikely. Simply because, when you have a deeply enriching emotional connect with your child; like I do with my daughter, you aren’t really giving a darn about a man anymore. After all, jeene keliye all you need is to be loved by at least ONE person. Zindagi jeelenge.

Opposites Attract

Do they, really? Yes, they do. Do they last? Not really. Not always.

Opposites make great romances. For marriage, there has to be a number of things in common for the couple to make it work & to live happily ever after.

During courtship, being with a different (as in, different from you) person, keeps the tempo high. The relationship is alive & kicking, as every day, you discover new facets to one another hitherto unknown & hence very appealing. Your tastes in music, movies, leisure, food, & fashion are vastly different & that gives an opportunity for you to explore the other side of the road.

In a marriage, however, not being able to enjoy the same things means trouble; at least in the long run. Imagine a husband who loves the movies & late nights & impromptu get-togethers while the wife’s idea of entertainment is shopping in Big Bazaar. It spells trouble to me. Or if the wife loves partying, window-shopping, eating in fancy restaurants & the hubby dear is averse to it. All he wants to do is come back from work & snooze during the week. And during the weekends, snooze some more. Trouble again; more so, if one of the partners, especially the wife, is particularly aggressive of her needs & wants.

If she is docile & subservient & always jhukoas her head & says ‘haanji’ to every command that drips out of her pati parmeshwar’s lips, all is well. But we all know how many of this particular species of women are left in the world today!

I, for one, can’t bear to sit aside & watch life go by. Would detest a life of ‘happy domesticity’, which correctly translated means, being confined to the four walls of the kitchen, to cook & clean, & to obey the mostly nonsensical diktats of the husband. To hell with it! I’d rather go solo, any day, than live in such servitude.

Luckily for me, my pati dev & I do share a lot in common. We both get bored by the eleventh minute of an hour. And so we’re always up to something.

Differences…there are a few. Money & childcare are two major things we, ok I, fight about. He is pathetic with both money & a child. His mindless spending was a danger sign I should’ve heeded to before marriage. He believes in “Aaj ka ab, kal ka kal dekhenge” and sermonizes to me saying, “Worry not, my sweet child. If God takes care of the little sparrow, how much more will he take care of me”. He hasn’t ever read the Bible.

As for raising a child, don’t even get me started.

But we live on. And move on.

Strangely, I would rather be with him than anyone else. Because at the end of it all, he is the only one who can make me laugh, right through my tears, & melt, in the middle of a volcanic burst of anger.

Every Couple's Love Song

Every couple has their signature love song when they are seeing each other. A dating song if u can say so. A song that was a hit during their courtship days.The tune that resonates in their hearts for months and years to come. The song that invariably becomes THEIR song.

When I listen to the mesmerizing number from Kites:
“Zindagi ….

Do pal ki
Intezaar kab tak

hum karenge bhala
Tumse pyar kab tak

naakarenge bhala”

I wonder how many love-struck couples are swaying to it. Or playing it to each other.Or exchanging coy, meaningful glances every time it is played.Or dedicating it to one another during musical nights.Because to them it is “their” song. The song that expresses how they feel. The song that does all the talking for them. The words seem right out of their own longing hearts.

I remember the time when Sathya& I were seeing each other in the summer of 2005. Our love song (in Kannada) was
“Preethi yeke bhoomi melidey
Bereyellu jaaga illavey
Nanney yeke preethi madidey
Nanna haage yaru illavey”

It was the hello tune for me on his phone. I remember waiting for him endlessly. He would say “5 minutes” & not turn up before an hour. I’d go mad & call him up every 30 sec! And when I did, the track would play & it’d melt my heart away. And then when I finally see his “late” face (the face that was late in appearing), my anger would completely evaporate.

Sathya would listen to a number from NusratFateh Ali Khan. Especially when he was dead drunk on Saturday nights.