25 July 2010

My Worst Nightmare

The worst thing that can happen to a relationship is when two people no longer have anything to say to each other. It happened in my first relationship. After knowing him for eternity, we reached a point where we had nothing to talk. We had nothing to even fight about. It was my worst nightmare. No talking, no fighting. No agreements, no disagreements. No suggestions, no objections. We just lived. Like that only!

It startled me initially. I didn’t think I could be so placid about life. Mondays rolled into Tuesdays and so did one month into another. And before I knew it, we were well into our 9th year of having first met each other in college. A decade of knowing & caring for each other had gone by. He hadn’t changed in all these years. Neither had I. So what had changed? Why did I leave everything behind?

Why did I move on?

He was an honest, hardworking, patient man. He loved me. He took good care of me, was extremely responsible; an ideal family man. He was an excellent cook & was, in fact, my first tutor in the kitchen. It was he who taught me how to make rice & chicken & tea. I hate cooking, still do. All I knew when I had come to Bangalore was to make an insipid sabzi & watery dal. He was my man, best friend, brother, father, husband, cousin, boyfriend all rolled into one.


Then why did I move on?

It’s difficult to decide who one should finally marry. There are far too many things to consider - his pay, education, family, food preferences, career, age, and health. This is the traditional approach to marriage, & the safest one too. It has one of those shock absorber logic to it.

I remember reading somewhere that you should marry a man you would want to spend your holidays with. Plain & simple, isn’t it? It’s one piece of great advice for people about to tie the knot. Ask me.

I have been in love twice (‘serious’ love!) & both the times, it’s been with men who at the time were earning less than me. They were also less qualified than me in terms of educational degree & work experience. But it never struck me as significant issues. I cared two hoots (still do, by the way) for what a man earned. After all, I can earn just as much too, if not more. Who needs his money, anyways? As for the degrees, a degree is not an indicator of a man’s worth or character. I didn’t care about those either.

What did I care for, then? I cared if we could talk. I mean, you know really, really talk. Would I want to spend the Sunday lazing around the house with him? Would I look forward to our holidays & trips together? Would I feel happy even if we were just window shopping on an entire ‘off’ day? Having seen all the malls, all the theatres, all the amusement parks & all the pubs in the city, would there still be something we could do together? Would there still be that one place somewhere that we could go & have a great time? Would I be able to look forward to the little things of life? Would I be able to look beyond the salary, the furniture, the food, the clothes, & the utilities of everyday life? Would I be able to stop ‘existing’? Would I be able to truly L I V E?

That is why I moved on.

63 comments:

  1. Im glad you have it now.Because My husbnad and I are In exactly the same place that you have nightmares about.I get bored to death and wonder ,just like you do.But I think when you have lived with someone for so long(running In my 9th year),you run out of things that excite you coz you have done them so many times over.We dont say anything to one another but just know what to do! I think that is why having kids is like an excitement package on its own.whne you have nothing in common to share ,you can always look for new things and stuff from kids who still dont have an idea as to what life actually is.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Often you have lots to talk and do together in the beginning and then as years pass, somehow everything falls into a rut - may be start taking each other for granted?

    ReplyDelete
  3. @Suzaan: yes thats true. over time u just know what to do n kids do add that spark or fire (as the case may be :)

    @Sunil: could be. we tend to take the other for granted n stop doing those little things that at one time meant a lot to the relationship

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sujatha a very deep post. Well written too. But it makes me think of several hypothetical situations. For eg: what if you had married the first person say in the 5th or 7th yr of knowing each other-before you started feeling that there was nothing more to share with this person. So this would mean that you would probably discover that a few years after marriage. What would you have done then? Or if suppose one day you discover that you and Sathya have nothing to say to each other anymore (God forbid!), then what would you do? Would you leave the relationship? I don't mean to hurt you or anything - I am just wondering, so please don't get offended!

    ReplyDelete
  5. @Anne: hey not at all. at least u made an effort to understand n didn't right way write me off as crazy! m glad 4 dat.
    i m not sure if i got thru my feelings correctly but u know when things become MECHANICAL , totally mechanical, routine that suffocates, a drudgery, u just eat for the sake of eating,u just live coz death hasnt come yet, thats my fear....i cant live like that. if it happens again, i have no answer. its been 6 years dat we r married. i've never felt a dull moment. of course, i've felet sad/happy/frustrating/depressing moments but there was "life" in it all. it wasnt completely empty

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yes I understand. It is great that your marriage is full of life even after so many years - and I hope and pray that it will always remain so :-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. @Anne: actually u r right. this post does lead to those kind of hypothetical ques u put frwd.
    mayb i shud hav mentioned that the first relationship fell apart for many other reasons too, which i havent mentioned here at all. this was just one of it.
    hmmmmm...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sujatha, can you show me one perfect person in the world? Can you show me one perfect relationship around? Can you show me one perfect flower in your garden. Life comes with many imperfections. 'Perfection' itself is a very subjective word. Best thing would be to count our blessings and try to give some time for yourself to get happiness triggered within. Means, we will be more happy when we enjoy a little bit of purely personal pleasures. Many times, we forget to look within. We tend to look at others as happiness providers. Why not open our large reservoir of love and care?
    Good post. Enjoyed it!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Written from your depths. Loved every word, Sujatha.

    I am glad to hear a woman say that she looked beyond pay and degree in a man. And I am glad you could identify at some point that the first one cannot move along for long. There are thousands of women in India who feel the same but have no choice of coming out of their confinements.

    And it doesnt help in asking ourselves for the reasons behind leaving a relationship let go. Because its not out of logic. But your heart knows.

    ReplyDelete
  10. well written Sujatha
    things taken for granted:-)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Very deep thoughts. You've noticed things from close quarters and have beautifully captured them in words. Really enjoyed it .. Keep up the good work!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Bow down to you :-) the fact that you talk from your heart and take pride in hard earned money....hugs

    ReplyDelete
  13. Lovely blog. You have earned a new follower :)!! Would be a treat to read your articles. Straight from the heart :)
    And right now, you have created a scare in my heart about marriage!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hi Sujatha
    Really fantastic and good post. From last many year it's fist thought, specially from a women, that person is important too like paycheck and degree..here i am also agree with you that there is need of spark in any relationship....But i think if both decied to go on diffrent path now, then its ok....so never take tht type of decision alone......

    ReplyDelete
  15. @sibi: u r right. no one is perfect. I AGREE. dats y, in this post, i've taken on the whole onus of the relationship on me.

    the funny thing abt life Sibi, is that sometimes 2 perfect ppl can't make a perfect life :(
    but 2 imperfect ppl come together n there's magic :). i found my imperfect man n i cudnt be happier

    ReplyDelete
  16. @Nandhini: i cant tell u how relieved i was to read what u wrote. why do we humans have this great urge to be understood?
    Yes Nandhini "the heart knows". very well put. wish i'd come up with that line :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. @sush: it happens, yes, sometimes some things are taken for granted - the complexities of a relationship! :(

    ReplyDelete
  18. @Aakash: i cherish your understanding n the words of encouragement. i really do.

    ReplyDelete
  19. @Chintan: i want to respond to u but nothing's coming... i m simply sitting, from a long time, my hand on the mouse and "a smile" on my lips

    ReplyDelete
  20. @Deepthi: hey m sorry, truly, for scaring u. never been my intention u see. so trust me when i say this: marriage is beautiful.
    d catch is: sometimes the Mr Wrong works far better than all the Mr Rights can ever do :)
    i wish u a lifetime of happiness - finding, keeping n living - with THE ONE

    ReplyDelete
  21. @boletoh: we r on different paths now n really happy too. so i guess it was for our best.

    spark - yes that's d word i was looking for. thank u :)
    paycheck n degree is not everything - i truly truly believe so.
    thank u a ton for stopping by, and sharing your views.

    ReplyDelete
  22. At the beginning of a relationship, we treasure the silences...
    slowly the silences become awkward...
    eventually we find words to fill them... but sometimes it gets too late...

    ReplyDelete
  23. @Dwiti: maybe that was it. yes - maybe it got too late in my case.
    but no regrets Dwiti. all's well that ends well

    ReplyDelete
  24. Good post Sujatha and great to know that you are in a happy situation. I believe Love is great but genuine Respect is greater as an adhesive in relationships...once that is in place communication is easy:)Best Wishes!

    ReplyDelete
  25. @Satish: that's true Sir. respect n communication r v imp.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Thank you so much :)..And I am hoping the person I have now is my Mr Wrong :P

    ReplyDelete
  27. An honest and valid confession.. One thing I truely love abt ur blog is that u write abt ur life inside out! Keep up the gud work..
    BTW I would even get blood test and HIV test done..Health too is an imprtnt facet.. aint it?God Bless!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Wowwww :) now that is some confession :) but the points you have mentioned are all quite valid..i mean you want to be with people who you can connect with in multiple ways...:) nice piece loved your honesty and thought process :) tk care

    ReplyDelete
  29. Deepthi: ohh...so the 'finding' bit is already taken care of!! wink!
    i hope so too :)

    @Spark: thank u

    ReplyDelete
  30. @Sudeshna: HIV test - LOL - sorry this is no laughing matter. ya ya right sure y not!!!

    'my life inside out' - hmmmm..i didnt really consciously plan it that way but seems that is what d blog has come to be. thank u for noticing it

    @India's: yes, "the connection" - the most underrated element of a marriage/relationship

    thank u for ur sweet words of encouragement.

    ReplyDelete
  31. @unknown: who the hell are u? n how can u post something like this on my blog? did u even bother to read the post?
    how insensitive & callous. i am not going to delete ur comment until u read my reply n understand that i don't appreciate what u did at all.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Very interesting, deep and well written post. It evoked a lot of feelings in me. I have an off-topic question though. What if a man were to feel exactly the same way you felt? While the woman in the relationship feels perfectly happy with the status quo. What should he do? Should he walk away from the relationship or stay in and go on mechanically biding his time?

    ReplyDelete
  33. Is it necessary to identify myself in order to know your thoughts??? One thing is certain I don't know you.

    ReplyDelete
  34. @Anonymous: yes it is. because this is my space.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Then I am sorry to have infringed upon your space, please delete my comments and forget about the question I asked.

    ReplyDelete
  36. A view of a strong girl nicely written.. happy for you that you were able to decide clearly..!

    ReplyDelete
  37. @KP: yes, i am glad too that i had that clarity, though it took me so many years to reach there

    ReplyDelete
  38. Hmm this just happened to me, my first love i was with him for 3 years when just like that we stopped talking... nothing to say to eachother... and it was a long distance relationship... it hurts... i love him but we have nothing to say to each other anymore... i amm praying to god though that when i go to india he will meet me and maybe we can get to know eachother as real people and not just 2 people who met online :-)

    ReplyDelete
  39. @Emmy: that's unfortunate. Hope you'll be able to tide over these times. And i too hope & pray that when you meet, things will be okay.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Beautifully written. Heartfelt! :)

    ReplyDelete
  41. I'm too inexperienced to understand the depth of this post. But I like your views, thoughts and the way its expressed. I'll surely keep them in mind before I enter into a relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  42. @leopaw: and i wish you a beautiful,lasting relationship with your loved one whenever you find your special one :)

    ReplyDelete
  43. nice blog.... gathered some important facts about relationships and marriage.... i get confused every time i think of the same.... life is not a fairy tale where we can expect for Mr. or miss perfect...and even if u meet coincidentally how would u know u can b a good match in future.... a perplexing puzzle indeed....

    ReplyDelete
  44. @trupty: rightly said Trupty - "a perplexing puzzle"

    ReplyDelete
  45. I like the honesty with which you write. :) And this one truly had a 'I-really-need-to-penthisdown-to-relieve-myself' feeling about it.

    I've been in a relationship for two years now, you really make me worry if he'll be my Mr. Forever for I'm hoping against hope that he will be. But again, as the old line goes, 'Whatever happens, happens for the best'! :)

    ReplyDelete
  46. @Nikita: write to "relive myself" - :) ya :)

    touch wood, yours will be a made for each other real life companionship. touch wood! and god bless.
    forget this stupid post

    ReplyDelete
  47. Thank you for your wishes :) and no it isn't a stupid post, there's a lot to take back from this! Trust me! :)

    ReplyDelete
  48. Whatever happened, happened for the good. I'm happy you have a great life now with your loving husband and daughter. :)

    ReplyDelete
  49. @Akshay: i do. thank you. yes true everything happens for good :)

    ReplyDelete
  50. Hi Sujatha.. Really nice blog..Salute you for your courageous decision.
    I need your advice,
    I hv been married for 6 years and we were settled in UAE with both of us working and like your situation, I was earning more than my husband. Now my husband has got a transfer to Europe, I hv left my lucrative job and currently in india for 3 months

    before I join my hubby in Europe..
    Off late, my husband has become very unromantic for example: today I told him that I want to see u online as I was missing him... Though we spoke over the phone for an 1 hour, I felt like seeing him on Skype/Tango etc for 2 mins.. He denied and said that you can see me next week?? Ofcourse, I am upset!
    The other day I baked a cake 1st time and send him an email but he did not reply... On the phone, he did comment on it after I asked ..
    I feel he is ignoring me... Should I ignore him as well? Offlate I am always telling him how much I am missing him...

    ReplyDelete
  51. Even in UAE, since the past 1 year, he forgot all about small surprises... Especially flowers though I hinted directed as well as indirectly many times...
    To be honest, we had a couple of major fights and in my temper , I am the one who loses it and say things that I regret later..
    I am really trying to make things work since I am in India since Dec'11 but No luck so far...I love him and cannot Imagine my life w/ out him
    We hv no kids so far... Also , he does call me stupid but that is always during jokes...sorry if hv written unnecessary stuff here..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear PH,
      no you haven't written 'unnecessary stuff' here. you have poured your heart out, that's all, which is fine but i am sorry i am the last person you should go to for advice!!

      Wish you a beautiful and happy married life. Take care. God bless you :)

      Delete
  52. Wow, Such honesty.What you have written is I think faced by every marriage after some time.We Christians can divorce only on one reason that is "adultery". Otherwise we are committed to each other for life.But what you say is true and it happens not only in relationships but also in marriage when one has nothing to tell the other.It is called "midlife crisis" But I think one has to work hard to make marriage work especially after the initial physical attraction wears off.Is it not beautiful that internet has enabled us to talk to so many persons.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you Sir for revisiting my blog to read an older post. appreciate it very much :)

      yes in Christianity only adultery is reason enough for separation

      i feel if i had married him, we would have drifted apart within the marriage and lived only as a show couple for the sake of society. m gad we didn't marry and are happy now with our respective partners

      Delete
  53. Hello There. I found your blog uѕing mѕn.
    This is an еxtremely well written article. Ι
    will maκe surе to boοκmark it аnd гeturn to read more of уour useful info.
    Thanks for the рοst. I'll definitely return.
    Also visit my homepage : ways to keep a long distance relationship exciting

    ReplyDelete