My Worst Nightmare

The worst thing that can happen to a relationship is when two people no longer have anything to say to each other. It happened in my first relationship. After knowing him for eternity, we reached a point where we had nothing to talk. We had nothing to even fight about. It was my worst nightmare. No talking, no fighting. No agreements, no disagreements. No suggestions, no objections. We just lived. Like that only!

It startled me initially. I didn’t think I could be so placid about life. Mondays rolled into Tuesdays and so did one month into another. And before I knew it, we were well into our 9th year of having first met each other in college. A decade of knowing & caring for each other had gone by. He hadn’t changed in all these years. Neither had I. So what had changed? Why did I leave everything behind?

Why did I move on?

He was an honest, hardworking, patient man. He loved me. He took good care of me, was extremely responsible; an ideal family man. He was an excellent cook & was, in fact, my first tutor in the kitchen. It was he who taught me how to make rice & chicken & tea. I hate cooking, still do. All I knew when I had come to Bangalore was to make an insipid sabzi & watery dal. He was my man, best friend, brother, father, husband, cousin, boyfriend all rolled into one.


Then why did I move on?

It’s difficult to decide who one should finally marry. There are far too many things to consider - his pay, education, family, food preferences, career, age, and health. This is the traditional approach to marriage, & the safest one too. It has one of those shock absorber logic to it.

I remember reading somewhere that you should marry a man you would want to spend your holidays with. Plain & simple, isn’t it? It’s one piece of great advice for people about to tie the knot. Ask me.

I have been in love twice (‘serious’ love!) & both the times, it’s been with men who at the time were earning less than me. They were also less qualified than me in terms of educational degree & work experience. But it never struck me as significant issues. I cared two hoots (still do, by the way) for what a man earned. After all, I can earn just as much too, if not more. Who needs his money, anyways? As for the degrees, a degree is not an indicator of a man’s worth or character. I didn’t care about those either.

What did I care for, then? I cared if we could talk. I mean, you know really, really talk. Would I want to spend the Sunday lazing around the house with him? Would I look forward to our holidays & trips together? Would I feel happy even if we were just window shopping on an entire ‘off’ day? Having seen all the malls, all the theatres, all the amusement parks & all the pubs in the city, would there still be something we could do together? Would there still be that one place somewhere that we could go & have a great time? Would I be able to look forward to the little things of life? Would I be able to look beyond the salary, the furniture, the food, the clothes, & the utilities of everyday life? Would I be able to stop ‘existing’? Would I be able to truly L I V E?

That is why I moved on.

My Childhood Problem

No... not lying or overeating or fagging on the sly or throwing tantrums, none of that. Growing up, those haven’t been my problems at all. My problem was, and IS (& will always be), I am courteous to people.

I am genteel with them TILL they start taking advantage of my goodness. Then I explode; a capital E X P L O D E. It’s too late by then. The relationship has soured.

Yes, being taken for granted, taken lightly, sometimes treated like a doormat - yeah - THAT has always been my problem.

Having read Thomas Harris’ brilliant book, “I’m OK – You’re OK”, I did a root cause analysis of my problem. The culprit, I realized, was my low self-esteem, I am the "I'm Not OK' types. I’ve had my moments of not knowing my own worth, suffering from a poor self-image. People like me tend to please others. We avoid offending others although we ourselves may be repeatedly offended. We shy away from confronting people. I am the quintessential “good girl” who is kind, helpful & humble AND gets treated like shit by all & sundry.

I just don’t know how to deal with it. I feel everybody is nice. I get easily swayed by people who speak nicely to me & if I like them, I like them too much. Until, one day, they suddenly show their true colors & shock the daylights out of me. And I go, “She said this, really?”, “He did that, really?”

The betrayal of my trust sends me into a mad frenzy. I scream. I shout. I get the whole thing out of my system. And then, just as abruptly, cut them off of my life completely. I get so attached emotionally to that person that when something ruptures, it shatters me completely. It could be anybody - a colleague, a friend, a relative, a neighbor, a family friend. It could even be the hairdresser, the courier guy, the grocery man, the cable guy, the plumber, the electrician, the landlord, whoever.

Sathya is not so gullible. He doesn’t trust people easily. In fact, he doesn’t trust people at all. He gives them back, instantly, as good as he gets; unlike me. I keep it inside, festering within me. I try not to hurt the person who hurt me, doing my best to keep mum, in order to salvage the relationship, & to keep it going, as normally, as possible.

This approach ends in souring the relationship because I reach a point where I can take no more of their sarcastic comments or caustic remarks or humiliating suggestions or insinuating one-liners. When things reach a point of no return, I burst open into a volley of angry words. And that is, THE END, of that relationship, whether it lasted 10 days, 10 months or 10 years. Matters -naught. I turn ice cold. Nothing can ever touch my heart again, from then on.

I don’t like this state of things. I want to be diplomatic, easy-going, shrewd,mean, demanding, haughty, nose-in-the-sky kinda girl. I really do. They are respected & treated well & never ever taken for granted.

Problem is I just can’t be like that.

Please Travel

As a faculty in a management college, I have seen students hesitating around career choices that revolved some sort of travel.
“The company wants me to relocate to Pune & I don’t want to”.
“HR said the 1st year I’ll be posted in Calcutta & shifted back later on”.
“They asked if I was willing to travel. The job involves travelling within the state”.
I’ve never understood why travel is such a dreaded word amongst the student community. The only valid reason not to be able to take up a job that involves relocation is a medical emergency at home. Say, one of your parents being bed-ridden or terminally ill or needing constant medical care. Everything else is just hogwash.

Sample this:
“I’ve a dog/cat/cow at home. I can’t be without it”.
“I don’t know anyone there”.
“My fiancé doesn’t want me to”.
“My parents are very strict. They won’t allow me to go to any other place”.

The real reason is a refusal to move out of one’s comfort zone; an unwillingness to try new things. Conservative parents, strict spouses, possessive fiancé’, family responsibilities are all convenient excuses. The cowardice lies hidden behind them. Only a brave heart can venture out into an unknown place & make a living. The more adventurous one thrives on it.

If you’re a student, here’s ONE good reason why you’d travel:
1. It’s an antidote to your narrow-mindedness. It opens up avenues for knowing &
understanding other cultures.You witness ways of life, eating patterns, dressing
habits, & life preoccupations different from your own. So the more you travel,
the more you can try & understand others. And in the process, shed some of your
prejudices & rigid beliefs.

If you’re an executive, here’s ONE solid reason for you:
1. It’s company money. You lucky ass…you get to travel, eat great food, visit
another city/state/country, capture memories of a foreign land & culture. All
this at the expense of your company? What are you waiting for? You are among
the privileged few, you dumbo.

The important thing about living is to be able to meet new people, explore new cities, & then attempt to observe & understand them. And if possible, appreciate the beauty & diversity of human society. No wonder, travel is a good teacher. It’s better than your best degree that formal education can ever give you. It helps you grow as a person. You become less judgmental of people & situations. You become more loving & accepting because you’ve seen bigger & better things or sometimes even worse. It’s an eye-opener in the true sense of the word; the only medicine for all the self-righteous, prudish, uptight people of this world.