16 December 2011

My Child is Gay

This was the title of the CNN-IBN documentary aired on 19th Nov’11. It told the story of 2 mothers, who finally accepted their homosexual child, & are now living, at peace, with that reality.


The disclosure that my daughter/sister/cousin/close friend could be a lesbian is definitely shocking, at first; & unbelievable, next. It isn’t the ‘natural’ way of things as we know it. Society has long controlled our notions of what is right or wrong with respect to sexuality; & the conditioning is so strong that, to see a woman loving another woman, is disturbing. I do feel repulsed by the sight of a man with over-the-top feminine mannerisms. Remember the gay designer caricaturized in Fashion or Boman in Dostana?


It’s fashionable to rationalize it when shown on TV/movie but quite another story when the truth hits home. Hypothetically speaking, if I were to suddenly face this truth in my own yard, what then? How I’ve prided myself on being a well read, broad minded woman, who has seen the world & known & interacted with all kinds of people. But I realize now, that for all my claims of being liberated, I’m caught in shackles too. I’d be a hypocrite if I say, “Yes, I’ll accept the truth”. When I asked Sathya, he said he won’t accept. This is the first time we’ve agreed on something. But I wish I’d disagree & fight & object with him on this, as I do on everything else!! But try as I may, I can’t put my hand on my heart & honestly say, “Yes, I’ll be ok & will take it in my stride if it turns out that my child is gay”. The realization that he’d be gay would be heart breaking. It is one thing to voice our “enlightened” opinions in support of a social issue; but quite another to actually come face to face with it in one’s own home. I respect the mothers the world over who’ve shown that acceptance. They have shown that the child is more important than his sexual preference. He has every right to live the way he wants to. It truly is his choice.


I read somewhere that “if all the faces of gays in church on Sunday suddenly turned purple, you'd be amazed at all the purple faces around you! On & off the pulpit! People you never suspect -- accountants, doctors, lawyers & even conservative politicians!” Many never reveal their true identity. They live in the closet for fear of rejection from colleagues, friends, & spouses. While the world thinks they are straight, they quietly carry on the lie. If there’s anything worse than knowing that someone is gay, is the knowledge that they had to put on a façade all their life. The lie hurts more.


Personally, I don’t know anyone who is gay. I don’t have a reference for it in my immediate or even extended family & friends’ circle. Maybe, I need to know a real person to really understand them. Maybe, what it takes to accept the situation is, truly unconditional love. Am I there yet? Unfortunately, no. I need to fight the demons in my head first. I need to question & challenge my ideas on what sexuality is & how it should be expressed & who defines it & why should it be defined at all. I must stop feeding my mind with scenes of same sex encounters. I need to rise above my pettiness & cut the chains of social stigma. I need to find reserves of love within me that will help me embrace it no matter what. Homosexuality needs acceptance from deep within. Only love can do that.


Centuries have passed, protests & fights staged for their acceptability, yet today I, a so-called educated woman, am unable to come to terms with it. I’m divided between empathy & disgust. Empathy because I do recognize that every human has the right to live the way he wants. Disgust because if it actually happens in my own house, I’ll be repulsed by the sight of a man with man. I realize I’m a hypocrite. My empathy towards them is not genuine; it is only an intellectual empathy. What they need is emotional understanding, not rational support from people close to them.


The truth is, none of them ever made a conscious choice to be gay. The truth is, homosexuality is more about love than sex. I’ve been raised to think we marry to raise a family, to have children. I must now realign & know that the first & foremost function of marriage is companionship. The day I can really accept a person in my own house, & not let it change the way we relate to each other, in any way, whatsoever, then, that would be the real acceptance, not just in words but in spirit.


But today is not that day.

143 comments:

  1. A lot of learning and unlearning to do? :) It is good that you are expressing your emotions out here. If you feel disgusted, there is no point in hiding it. But the truth, no amount of reasoning or cajoling can make a gay man go straight. There lies the conundrum. Now comes the big question of do-we-accept-and-move-on or we-write-them-out-of-our-lives! Decisions, decision... :)

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    1. Accept-and-Move-on. My daughter is gay and is married to a wonderful woman. I love them both. Their relationship is about love. How can you love your daughter one day and not the next. I don't understand that concept but understand it exists. I love both my daughters and I wish them wonderful futures full of joy and success.

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  2. very well written.

    most of the people are not ready to accept ther abnormal sexual orientation.. as they fear about the society..

    www.readitt.in (the e magazine)

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  3. @Nona: true, there is no reversal on this. whether i accept or not, a gay man will not become straight.

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  4. Sujatha,

    Accept or not, its a reality and its not that it started existing now only in fact it is there since very long back, the only difference now is ppl hav started talking about it and disclosing it into public now......

    and somehow it seems that willingly or otherwise even the society has started accepting it now......

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    1. i and my son move to florida after my divorce from my husband and now my son become gay because there are lot of gays in the new area we went to, I have tried everything to stop him from associating with the gay guys but he has already be coverted and even have a gay lover. i tell this to my friend from Africa who introduced me to this great spell caster who help me cast the spirit out of him and i am the happiest mom today. so i will advice you to contact the man on Vadoospell@gmail.com or call his number +2347054457050 he can help you

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    2. thank you for your response.
      i wouldnt need the number & the email add though

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  5. What a thought provoking and straight from the heart post! For the reality to sink in, it will take time. A Lot of time. There are 2 fights which we have to fight, one inside us and the other outside. With people FOR YOUR child.

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  6. I dont know what to write...your post is what majority in India think...that thinking is sad..
    Sexual orientation is ones choice..to put it more specifically..its the choice of your body.
    Every woman can be bi sexual...but in case of men..its more hormonal and you cant be disgusted about that.
    I know few Gay people..both male and female and they are like normal people until and unless they are despo.
    They meet you like normal people...even if they hit on u or flirt with u..its same like guy hits on girl..
    What we see in movies is actually disgusting not the reality.
    Our cinema is in its puberty..needs alot more time to get mature.
    We are not even comfortable with sex still so question of getting comfortable with the sexual orientations does not exist.

    Naice post...njoi :)

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  7. @Irfan: yes it has been there since centuries.

    seeing you after a long time. just saw your new post.

    @Sahana: :) thanks Sahana. liked that last line of yours. profound.

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  8. @Ashutosh: "We are not even comfortable with sex still so question of getting comfortable with the sexual orientations does not exist."

    maybe that is what it is :(

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  9. The Kinsey Report is famous for noting that many people switched sexual preferences, sometimes two or more times over their lifetime.Some people change their tastes over time. This is most noticeable in the college girls who experiment with lesbianism (or bisexuality) until they get out of college, and then start dating men.But even the treatment like reparative therapy is futile in making them to be straight.I believe that it is possible. I don’t think it’s necessarily common, nor as easy as some people might think. But possible, yes.

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  10. A very well written, thought provoking post Sujatha.. The society still needs to go on a looong, very looong journey to accept same sex relationships.. As you said, there may be many people who will be still in the closet, refusing themselves to come out and show their true identity.

    Even the educated individual need to fight himself/herself to understand and accept this intriguing fact. As you said, one can show empathy until that happens in their own circle. The perspective changes drastically and only time can tell an answer. But kudos to those mothers who fought and digested the bare truths and accepted their child as they are!

    Its a greatly articulated post!

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  11. @rajkumar: oh that's a lot of info on the topic.
    thanks Rajkumar.

    @Anand: true, i salute those mothers from the bottom of my heart. love can do wonders

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  12. Very true what you have said. At least now a days people have the courage to come out and say what they are.. imagine all this time or those people who could not and have lived all their life under duress.

    Although a lot has to be done still, people are still not accepting it all hats off to the ones who do accept.. I am not sure how or IF i will be able to accept lets see ..

    Bikram's

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  13. Yes,Homosexuality is something too strange to discuss and absolutely impossible to accept.We have been taught,no,never been told and would be killed if we brought up a topic like this in our homes.But like it was said,unless we meet someone who actually is,and understand them without judging them,cannot say anything.

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  14. Acceptance or otherwise, I think the society is maturing and this issue will always be up for debate. Personally, I am fine with "gay" community.

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  15. i have been taunted and air-kissed bya gay and i didnt feel so comfortable about it. so if you ask me if my own child is gay will make me comfortable, my answer is NO, IT WONT. but like i always ask myself, who am i to question a person's interests.so there.

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  16. There are reasons why society is not able to digress certain concepts. Sometimes, we need to think beyond personal freedom. Maybe we need to think what makes people get into such relationships. Society is not always wrong!

    Destination Infinity

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  17. I totally concur with your observation that given our social conditioning to be repressive about straight sexuality in straight communities, it is a distant dream to expect that we will understand and interpret gay realities without bias.

    Very honestly written. In spite of all the conscious efforts to view this rationally, it is difficult to let go of the disgust that comes along with the empathy. Perhaps a lot of it also has to do with the stereotypes promoted by the media, and not the nature of the relationship. Because at the end of the day, love and attraction is not merely about the physical acts of intimacy.

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  18. Lovely post! These have existed for centuries but with technology boom it is being heard more! Still only small percentage:)

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  19. A very important issue and wonderfully written post! You brought the disconnect between people's brain and heart towards this issue. You are right: Homosexuality a not a conscious choice; it is how they are wired. And I don't think we can ever understand that emotion.

    And apart from the several people who hide their true identity, there is an equal number of people who fight that feeling all their life long for the sake and fear of the society which I think is even more cruel. But if we realize that it is the only way they could find true love, then may be we can get ourselves to accepting it. :)

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  20. You have voiced for majority of us. Ask anyone around, they ll say the same opinion as yours. We are not ready to accept it still. Me and my fiance always discuss things like how westernization have changed our culture, how kids around us are imitating western culture incessantly and all. We feel so tensed. but the worst part is when we think, what if our son/daughter is gay? We are already shocked. Hope with time our views changes and we will endear the changes. else we can find solace with the generation gap excuse.

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  21. I really don't know what to say because I have gay and lesbian friends and they're as normal as the rest of us. My friend always says to me that the last thing she wants is for people to think they are 'disgusting' because they really aren't.

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  22. Such honest words... I, for one, will never get around to accepting LGBT... Never ever!!! Maybe that's how we were brought up! And the fact that we dont know anyone from that community personally just makes it even more difficult... Maybe our kids will grow up to be more open-minded towards these things, but not me... No Sir!!!

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  23. Twice during debates I have furiously sided with gays that there is nothing wrong in being one! (It actually made my frens question my orientation!). But, when u put it like that, "Will I be OK if my kid is gay?" Never is the answer!!! It is one thing to act very open-minded in public forums! But it is quite another to actually be affected by it.. I totally agree with Sathya in saying that I will never ever to able to accept if my kid turned out to be one!!! Period!!!

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  24. @Bikram: true, nowadays things are changing. at least some are coming out. earlier it must have been so hard for them.

    @Suzy: yeah. i think so too - knowing someone within our circle might change our perceptions

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  25. After reading your post I can recall a programme which was coming on NDTV 2 or may be 3 months back where ndtv invited all gay alongwith their parents and I was very happy their parents though initially very skeptical about accepting the fact that their son is a gay but their liberal thought help them to accept the fact.
    Sujatha we feel comfortable with thoseincident which we are familiar with but whenever new situation comes all of sudden fear comes to our heart and all of sudden we start calculating the repercussion of that like what other will think, how are relative will respond etc etc., overall real meaning of love is freedom , if someone is that way we need to accept it . Acceptance is solution of any problem. If we don’t accept it, they will feel depressed and their depression will lead to fatal situation like suicide and we don’t want our near or dear should hide anything or do something this. Overall nicely and wisely written.
    Keep writing :)

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  26. @Kiran: yes always up for debate.

    @Madhav: yeah, same here

    @Rajesh: but is it always right?

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  27. what u wrote here is problem with masses... we always support, write promote things... but it when it becomes personal our perspective change, suddenly a layer of society, family, values n all come in between. Raising above from that needs lot of courage n will power.... I really appreciate those who do.

    A lot needs to be done, coz here in India... its still a taboo.... ppl don't talk about it even privately.

    really a striking post from u !!

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  28. Very true! I can feel myself nodding in a lot of places. Agree that it is intellectual empathy that we share more than an emotional connect. It is all good till I don't have to face it in my home. Hats off to those moms who take it gracefully. I watched this NDTV debate about gays and was touched by some of the experiences shared. I agree that my hubby would have a similar reaction like yours. In some ways, I am a hypocrite too :(.

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  29. @Subhorup: agree with that “love and attraction is not merely about the physical acts of intimacy”.

    Hope one day the bias will go. Hope. Starting with me first.

    @Rahul: true, at least they are heard more & they speak more now

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  30. I am with you in finding that day! I would be horror stricken and shocked to my toes if I knew someone I know was a gay or lesbian! But yes, they would definitely understand the value of that relation a lot more, because like you said it is more about love and not sex and a family. Well said :)

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  31. @Raj: yeah. Maybe we can never understand that emotion. Maybe, as u said, we need to realize that it is the only way they can find true love

    @Anju: yes, hope with time our views will change. It is so needed.

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  32. Indeed hats off to you for being so candid..it is a issue of acceptance...how we open our hearts to differences..in every way...shows how mature our civilization is...

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  33. First of all,the post is a brilliant write-up from writing point of view and a superb cobbling of thoughts from a thinker's point of view.You once again proved what a marvellous thinker and writer you are.

    To carry off a piece of writing on such an issue needs the understanding of environs that our society breaths in.

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  34. @Gayatri: I don’t know ANYONE & have not known anyone my entire life who was gay. Maybe that’s why I am still tightly caught up in my own web of rigid societal sanctions.

    will you be ok if your own offspring came out of the closet one day? hypothetical question of course

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  35. And you have that understanding in abundance.

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  36. @Nikhil: yeah maybe that is what makes it tough for us to face it – we don’t know anyone in real life. There is no reference at all

    @John: true, debating & living the debate are two different things. It’s really hard to put ourselves in a situation as sensitive as this one

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  37. @Mithlash: I agree that “real meaning of love is freedom, if someone is that way we need to accept it. Acceptance is solution” otherwise the person will continue to live in hell or may even end his life in some extreme cases of rejection and none of us would want that to happen to our near & dear ones

    @Jyoti: yes a strong, thick layer comes in between. No wonder, we don’t talk about it even privately

    @Rachna: true, when we read or see or hear about some of their experiences, it is very touching. But…the ‘but’ always remains

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  38. @Deepthi: true, after a point, every relation goes beyond the physical. Ultimately what remains is companionship. It is easy to say it but I hope one day we can live it & accept it too & may be understand those who are ‘different’ from us a little more

    @magic: thanks

    @India’s: yeah, it is a reflection of the maturity of our civilization but a long way to go I guess

    @Neeraj: I am humbled by your words. Truly. Thank you

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  39. I agree with you.. The empathy is only intellectual.. I support people have a right to their happiness and I also believe that homosexual love has more to it than what we think.. I actually know a gay couple and I felt disgust looking at the way they behave.. I think emotional acceptance is a long way..

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  40. Interesting post Sujatha and thought provoking too. Many things change in life; for a teenager the 3 magic words may be 'I love you', at my stage of life they probably are 'it is benign'! Ditto attitudes towards perceived deviation from normal, age induces a bit of extra tolerance....

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  41. @M : yes, a long long way

    @Satish: i guess so Sir...maybe with age, i too would be more tolerant & accepting

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  42. Your attempt to express your views about 'gayism & sexuality' is indeed a brave one, an inspiring one'. Finally it's a good thought for the day.....

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  43. Interesting Topic Sujatha.. And a valid point: We support a cause socially but might not accept it personally!! We humans are hypocrites and will always be..

    As far as homosexuality is concerned, I feel it depends on upbringing and what the child goes through and observes in the society surrounding it.

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  44. Will I accept it? I may not be able to come to terms with it for years or even decades. But, will I disown my child because of it? I think, it may be the reverse to what you said. I may cry within for what happened, hate him/her for the society's sake, but slowly distance myself from the society as well and love my kid because I think blood is surely thicker than water. It would happen naturally. You may say that you wouldn't accept but in reality the mother within you will not allow you to be indifferent. You can't chase away or kill your kid, right? So, we will get all the required strength and attitude to handle it if it happens to us. But, let me tell you - I don't feel comfortable talking about it or even thinking about it any more. It's so painful! :(

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  45. @Bharathiraja: yeah the thought is very disturbing. i have a 5 year old daughter. and writing this post wasn't easy either.

    true, only love can help us handle the situaion

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  46. had to post a comment :D. u know what it's more to do with the fear of society than our own beliefs in such cases.

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  47. Bravo!! What u have written here is deep rooted fear of all parents.. All of us love to be known as liberal supporting homosexuality.We never practise what we preach.

    "Ja tan laage woh tan jaane"

    Children are hope,they are future.No parent would like to see theirs children in abnormal or socially unacceptable positions...

    I have no problems with gays but sincerely pray that i dont have one in my home!!

    Thought provoking bold post

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  48. You have written beautifully! True that when its total acceptance it is true unconditional love! Its the same kind even when the situation is of an age gap between couples. Either the man is too old or it is difficult for society to accept a woman older than the man. Though Indian society mindset has grown but issues like these are not yet acceptable. I guess movies like cheeni kum and tv serials like kuch to log kahenge , have made a difference but they all talk about man being the older one . What do we have to say when its the woman who is older?

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  49. @Deb: fear of society is a strong deterrent, i agree

    @Vinod: true, not many of us practice what we preach & in an issue like this, practicing is not so easy either

    @Anon: yes, only unconditional love can make possible total acceptance

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  50. Very brave of you accepting it over the public forum :) Whether its gay love or lesbo love, after all, its love and should not be considered abnormal by our society :)

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  51. I have met gay men, worked with them and they are the most respectful to women! It would be hard if I had to accept or face such a situation, but, I wouldn't force it on anybody! Homosexuality doesn't mean they are not humans. I could be bisexual for argument sake, thus, let people be...who are we to judge?

    If you ask my opinion about gays, They are the real men, for they fuck men! "judge me, but that's how I see them"

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  52. you showed the courage to write about it, I am sure you will come in terms with it, all you have to do take some time off and peacefully think about it.

    Whatever decision you make, be sure that is what you want.

    PS: Your empathy for them is real, you never thought it would happen to you! That's it.

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  53. @Gargi: Yes,i understand (with my brain). It's only love at the end of the day

    @Chintan: 'They are the real men' :)

    wish i had met at least one person who was a homo & interacted with them the way you have. maybe i wouldn't have been so stuck up in my mind then.

    @Rupertt: nothing has happened to me!!!! this is just a hypothetical post. i wanted to question my own hypocrisy. that's all.

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  54. I agree with you Sujatha. We might take pride in saying we've got a lot of exposure and we aren't narrow minded as our previous generation,but despite all this, there is still that sense of hesitation to accept it completely and not just for the sake of an argument to prove that we are, as you said "Liberated"!

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  55. @Ashwini: yeah, that's what. For arguments sake,we may say many things but deep down how we feel only we know.

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  56. wow, what a bold choice for your post. Thought provoking.

    There is always a choice between love and hate. Accept love and see how many people start hating you. A strange world we live in...

    Cheers !!

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  57. It's so true, Sujatha. Even I consider myself broad-minded but when this question is put to oneself then...O it's not at all easy to deal...it would be heart wrenching!!!!!
    Your post has made us all Think!

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  58. @Deepa: yeah...cant imagine if it happens in our own homes/family. it is not easy

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  59. I read somewhere that hormonal environment in the mother's womb can lead to the sexual orientation.
    You know what, I am so used to think when I look at someone. However , It has got me into trouble a couple of times when they have wrongly perceived it as the vibes they were looking for

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  60. Sujatha I think it is extremely brave of you to pick a very sensitive topic. Yes it is very difficult to accept once it is closer home...

    There are a lot of ppl I know who are leading normal lives due to the fear of society. They might have chosen a different life Style but for societal pressure..

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  61. I can accept gay people but accepting it within a family is really difficult. May be it is something which society gives us. I am brahmin (my grand parents were priests) and if you go back 50 years, they would have never accepted my marriage outside my caste. But things have changed. In a similar fashion I think if not us, may be our kids will accept it. And, you are very right it is more of a 'love'.

    Nicely written...

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  62. You have written very well about a controversial subject. It will take time for the society to accept the people who are gay/lesbians.

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  63. @Ashish: ouch! the wrong vibes thing!

    envt in mother's womb? hmmmm....had no idea

    @Dr. Vikram: you know Doc, this documentary was aired last month & it has been on my mind ever since. It took a month to actually express my thoughts. Not easy

    yeah, societal pressure can be killing sometimes. i shudder to think what they must be going through in their minds living a lie but hard to live with the truth either

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  64. @Saru: true, maybe the next generation can find within them the ability to accept things.
    though it is difficult,it is very common & how long can we run away from it

    @Saibaba: yes, lots of time

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  65. This was a really heart-felt post. I can feel your anguish, I get where you're coming from but ...

    Get a gay/lesbian friend in your life and all that you ever thought will change. Honestly.

    I'm an NRI who moved to India 4 years ago. I've known of gay people and had gay friends over the last 15 years or so. When I moved to India - I discovered this entire group of gay/lesbians and when I think about it - there are A LOT of them in India. A huge chunk are still in the closest for fear of rejection from their peers; and those out in the open - I am proud to stand next to them and say 'yes he/she is my friend'.

    Indian society has to come to terms with a lot of things; and slowly its opening up to other possibilities that our outside of societal 'thinking'.

    Someone said that we barely accept sex in any form (this coming from the land of the kamasutra); it's no surprise that people are still trying to digest alternative sexual orientation !

    For anyone on this thread who has said they 'cannot accept gays/lesbians etc' then I feel sorry for you that despite all the education and awareness around you - that you choose to be so narrow minded. It's sad and a shame; because without even realizing it you are passing that reaction/thought process to your family, friends and those around you.

    The world is about acceptance and tolerance. And India has a HUGE gay/lesbian community. Look around you - and you'll be surprised. So we must learn to accept people for who they are and NOT for their sexual orientation.

    Sorry to blubber word vomit all over your comments section - but this is a subject that is close to my heart as one of my closest friends in India is gay.

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  66. p.s. in case I wasn't clear .. I think this is a fabulously thought provoking post for everyone out there :)

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  67. @Dazediva: thanks. i appreciate your views. truly.

    and i accept that education & awareness has failed to "broaden" my heart. i don't know ANYONE AT ALL in my life who is gay. and if my own child turns out so, i don't think i can just go & embrace her. it is not easy for me.

    i am glad you have lots of friends who are gays/lesbians & you've interacted with them closely & i guess that will enable you to accept even if your own daughter one day came out of her closet or you brother. i respect that. i truly do.

    but i am not there. YET.

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  68. you know what Sujatha, this is a subject that leaves even the most daring,shy.i mean no matter how openly i may support gay rights, honestly i m scared by someone turning out to b gay in my peripheral...hypocrites that we are, we can just remain confused !

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  69. well... in my opinion i hate the idea of homos... everybody has his/her own opinion but still.....

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  70. @Sulagna: i know! it's just not that easy.

    @Israr: i understand

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  71. A thought provoking post. While it did stir, find it difficult to accept, perhaps i am not yet there...

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  72. Homosexulaity is one of the most complicated stuff I've read. The more we read about it the confused you become. Hats off to you sujatha for writing an entry on it.
    We live in a society where the concept of sexual relationship itself is a misery and a mystery at the same time.
    I do support it as a normal deviation, as long as it's not a problem for couple involved. After reading this post, and the scenario you mentioned, I'm still thinking.
    I think we should reach a point where we can let people involved decide on what they want to do with it. But to be frank, I'm not sure what I would do if I have to handle a situation at my home.

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  73. Beautifully written in a balanced way.I wrote on this three years back in my blog
    http://kparthas.blogspot.com/2008/05/what-is-our-response-to-gay-movement.html

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  74. A deep and brave post. Loved your view. Wonder how I will handle it personally, but I bet I'd respect my child's choice.
    Keep writing :)

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  75. I am sure it wouldn't that 'eerie' once we get to know people who are homosexuals! But the more difficult part is accepting one in one's own family!

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  76. @Krupaa: Me too. Not as yet.

    @Leo: i was wondering what would be your take on this as you are a Doctor.

    you consider it a "deviation"? hmmmmmmmmmm......

    @KP: three years back? ok. will go over to your blog now. thanks for the link

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  77. @Adi: And i respect anyone who is able to do that.

    @Deepthi: True. when i look at Tanvi my daughter i can never ever never ever imagine her like that

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  78. very well written on sucha sensitive topic,and the fact you are not being hypocritical and our honest straight from your heart about your views on it is worth appreciating..very well written

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  79. very well written....I like the title

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  80. @Alka: thank you Alka

    @Sedated: thank you

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  81. If we believe doctors worldwide, Homosexuality is a wide spread phenomenon and as you said many people keep it hidden because of fear of rejection, or it is just that they haven't accepted the fact they have some sort of attraction towards the same sex.

    Movies is not the place to learn or single out Homesexual men and women. That's what I believe. Movies are for entertainment! :)

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  82. @Rakesh: true, movies give us such distorted versions of it :(

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  83. A honest voice. I guess many of us would be on the same boat with you.

    You can call me preujudiced but I am still undecided if a homosexual necessarily need to act on their urges.Bioligically men are supposed to be polygamous. But good majority of them don't act on it due to social pressure, right? And then we have monks and nuns who go through life as celibate.

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  84. I have a very good friend who is gay and he is the sweetes person on earth,..but if my children happened to be that way, what will be my reaction?..I shall be dissappointed initially because we always except the norms only, anything that goes beyond is difficult to accept...

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  85. @The Fool: i have no idea! i thought a need to be loved is the common denominator. & we all need an outlet for all our energies - sexual or otherwise. nuns channelize theirs into devotion, monogamy is an 'act'. can everyone stifle themselves into conforming to set standards of behavior! if so, for how long!

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  86. @Renu: true, it is difficult to accept

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  87. Did you know there is something called platonic love as well. Need not be necessarily based on sexual urges.

    And if you want to talk about sexual urges, men are bioligically designed not to be satiated by one woman. Poor Tiger Woods did not want to 'stifle himself into conforming to set standards of behavior' and had to pay the price.

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  88. @The Fool: Platonic. exactly. that's what i wrote -

    a. ""a need to be loved""" (in the comments)
    b. """homosexuality is more about love than sex""""". (in the post)

    for some platonic and for some otherwise - the need to be loved exists. and if they feel that, that need is fulfilled by a person of the same sex, why should they not act on it? why the restriction only on them & not on us? just because we conform & are involved with same sex partners?
    you mean to say the fear of rejection by society should stop them from not expressing whatever is their true sexual orientation & instead continue to live a lie?

    Tiger Woods'case is one of infidelity & betraying of trust in a marriage. He & we can do what we want with our urges if not married/committed (coz then there's the fear of being caught!!)& IF THAT'S how we really want to live out our lives.

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  89. Hi there Sujatha, you have 171 members, so I dont know if this award (I've nominated you) changes anything.. But I'm glad I found your blog through Deb. Looking forward to catch up the posts.

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  90. Sujatha, you are truly a versatile blogger and I'm so glad Deb introduced us. You write so well!! I cannot stop reading. :D

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  91. If you look at it spiritually or philosophically, then it says that souls have no gender. And so, it is possible for a person to get attracted to anybody.
    I feel like homosexuality is a complete individual's choice. And parents are the first one's who should accept their children for the way they are. Cause, family comes first and society later.
    A very good post, I must say :)
    Thank you so much for your wishes.

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  92. Men and women who are gay are no different from you and me except they are attracted to the same-sex. If we go by the stereotype portrayed on TV, we will have narrow views all the time. Not all gay men are feminine and not all lesbians are butch. I know gays and lesbians and they are great friends who enjoy the same meals, same drinks, same kind of leisure activities...and they want similar things in life --- love, career, kids, friends. If I were to have ever have kids and they told me they were gay, I can confidently say I'd have no issues. I'd tell them exactly the same thing I'd tell my straight kids --- to see that they have a partner who treats them with respect.

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  93. I just wanted to add...I think the fear of homosexuality is like a fear of the unknown...people don't know what to expect and base it all on the movies...

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  94. @Cna: thank you.

    m glad too that Deb introduced us. i had sent him a msg saying, "i am bored" & he had replied me with the link to your "how to irritate your neighbor" post

    btw, Cna reminds me we had classes called Current News Awareness (CNA) & its taking some time getting used to :)

    Quite nice though - Cna for Seena

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  95. @Philo: true, souls have no gender.

    i sincerely hope i will reach that day of complete acceptance. because yes family matters THE most.

    @Psych: i have not met ANYONE who is gay/lesbian in my entire life of 34 years & i admit i am being narrow-minded.

    even though on an intellectual level, the acceptance & awareness is there, emotionally, completely deep down, no, not yet.

    I respect you that you'd have no issues even if your own kids told you you were gay. That according to me is TRUE acceptance. Hope i can get there some day

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  96. hats off to you Sujatha for writing on such a controversial and taboo topic..but I only want to say that 'homosexuality is against the laws of nature'...any arguments howsoever convincing it seems can't justify it.

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  97. I admire your candour regarding this topic.
    I can confidently say 99% of us,including me are hypocrites.I am all for gay rights and I am ok with lesbian romps too:P,but I know I would be deeply ashamed if my kids turn out to be like that and would wonder if was in some way my fault..hats off to you for this post:-)

    Watch this movie,starring Julianne Moore if possible,its a beautifully crafted tale about a housewife who discovers her husbands homosexuality and the emotions she goes through

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0297884/

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  98. Very thought provoking! In current scenario despite all the awareness, and the 'education' still it will be a tough call if it happens to somebody close!! :|

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  99. @Arumugam: true, its not easy to see our own kids in a situation like that.

    thank you for the link. will surely watch it

    @Shilpa: yeah, education by itself is not enough to come to terms with this

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  100. Sujatha
    Extremely well written and highly thought provoking. Yes we are all hypocrites not only on this issue but on several social issues like dowry,child labor etc. It is because of the way we have been brought up, what we have been made to believe about what is right or wrong, what is natural or unnatural. Our minds are clouded though we tend to think otherwise. Education & Qualifications do not necessarily change attitudes, or broaden our vision...Perhaps it may take some more generations before acceptance comes. Gays have already started coming out of the cupboard & its not long before they are accepted by society.Our sons & daughters & their progeny will have better tolerance & acceptance of these & other social issues.
    Ram

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  101. @Shobha: i hope so too that our own children may be able to accept things in a better way.
    And true, education & qualifications don't always mean a liberal attitude

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  102. Acceptance will come with time :) There's no hurry!

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  103. wonderfully written . ur way of writing is really quit differ from others .:)

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  104. Wonderful post Sujatha and the reason is, its straight from the heart, truly honest. If I were to ask myself the same question, then my first reaction would be that I would accept it, even if my child was gay. However much it disgusts me I cannot change the fact of sexual preference of my child. At the end of the day, I would want to see my child happy in life and if being with a person of same sex gives him/her peace, then I would have to accept it.
    But having said so its easier said than done coz what I am thinking is only a hypothetical situation. The social stigma attached with gay/lesbian behavior is very hard to face in our society.

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  105. @Prasanna: yes,it's easy to convince the mind but to feel it from the heart is the tough part

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  106. Ah. Such a thought provoking article. Getting people to face their fears.. I don't have much to say. Except that I agree with you.

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  107. What a topic..gay or lesbian are not so sh... words..they are coming out of closet.
    One reason why people find it difficult to even think about their child being such is the way it is portrayed in media..esp. in films..those Bobby Darling's..AB in Dostana. Reaction of Kiran Kher in Dostana "Ma ka ladlaa..bigad gaya.." and accepting it might become true sometime in future.
    I feel a mother might accept her child (her heart is so full of love) but for a father..very difficult.

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  108. @Kirti: yes, the future may hold better things for them & for us as a cilivilization

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  109. Just liked the way you bought your thought on this issue/ problem . Various old temples in India have lot of carving to suggest such a tradition existed those days also .

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  110. Sujatha, a sensitive issue and very well handled. Oscar Wilde was gay. As far as I am concerned whatever his sexual orientation, his stories were full of wit, humour and complex plots. When we meet others what has their sexual orientation to do with anything? Imagine trying to conduct a conversation while being aware of society's pre-judgement of you. It is the ones who cast stones, are prejudiced and insensitive, especially the ones who feel justified in hurling abuse without knowing who that person really is, that we should worry about.

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  111. @Team: true, Indian temples do have carvings depicting it

    @KayEm: i agree it is very hard to know that you have been judged even before you have got a chance to present yourself.
    I have peeped into my own heart & brain to understand how i feel about this issue & this post is a mirror to my innermost thoughts

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  112. That was so beautifully written!
    I agree with every word you say!

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  113. @Happy: thank you for liking the post

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  114. Sujatha,
    I know someone really close to me who claims to be gay. He actually told his parents so, so that they dont look for a girl for him.

    Now see, he is a brilliant scientist. He is excellent company. Witty, Intelligent, Handsome, Smart, Internet Savvy, Loving, Caring, protective... anything we all are. You cannot notice any difference from a normal guy.

    I cant believe he is gay. It is not that gay men are feminine. They are as normal as you and me.. and the guy right next to you could be gay. Its very confusing.

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  115. @Anupama: that is really nice Anupama to know about your friend.

    yes it is very confusing for someone like me who knows NO ONE from the community. may be i too will reach that understanding some day

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  116. The thought of a male with a male or a female with a female is replusive to us, becase simple we are not gay.. just like the thought of a male with a female is replusive to those who are gay, becuase they are gay..

    also, easier said than done.. but if we consider the sexual preference of a friend/child, in the same lines as a life partner preference or a career preference.. something which they want.. and something we dont have a say in.. it would probably make it less difficult to accept it..

    And about society and people.. I think its time we should stop thiking about them.. after all each one of us as only one life, and as long as we are here, we have to make the best of it.. be selfish and be happy.. Society and people no way figure in our and our kids life.. its all about priorities.. making ur kids happy is more imp, or wht people would say is more imp??

    a very touchy topic, but a great read Sujatha.. wanted to comment on this from quite sometime, but scrolling down on the 100+ comments on my phone was tough, so was waiting to get to my laptop .. so the delay :-))

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  117. @Jenny: naah that's ok Jenny. you can respond whenever you find time or are free. better late than never :)

    i agree with your response & i really hope i can "live" out each word you've said. at this point in time,seems improbable but i guess once i am actually there, things might be different. that's true - kuch toh log kahenge...cant stop living for them. be selfish & be happy is a good mantra to live by

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  118. this is a fantastic post!
    Frankly speaking, at times, I do feel that I may have a different orientation, but I realise, when it comes to only "Sexual Orientation", it is got to be only one and that is 'straight', rest everything is curiosity!
    I totally am in love with a female because I think she is exactly what I am not! So she completes me.

    If you talk about physical intimacy, then I would say, no! Because sometimes, only connection of the heart, mind and soul is enough!
    So usually, gay relationships develop following an emotional bonding. The 100% surrender act in any relationship is getting physical. So ultimately, people end up having different sexual orientation, or the not-so-straight sexual orientation!

    But one should know that "procreation without pleasure, and pleasure without procreation" is wrong!

    So we should abide by what nature intended us to do and follow the same.
    Ofcourse there is no harm in loving or falling in love with people of same sex, I feel. But if one surrenders to the sexual aspect, then, in most of the cases there is no coming back!

    Inherently, every individual is bi-sexual. !

    @Sujatha: If you want to know more about how gays think, ask me. The person I look upto is Gay. But she is the most wonderful human being ever! :)

    Also, I would totally support my kid, if he/she were gay! :)

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  119. @Mi: my respects to you for the last line

    and yes, that is what i have heard that inherently we are all bi-sexual!

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  120. We made a short film in college titled "Main Aadmi hoon aur main aadmi se pyaar karta hoon"! It showed me how difficult it is to exhibit your sexual preferences in public.. For most who do not know, homosexuality is caused by three factors,
    Genetic
    Post abuse/extreme trauma
    and
    By choice...

    Thanks Sujatha for sharing something like this (love and hugs...)

    PS. I had a senior bhaiya in college who was a proclaimed gay. I also do know a few who are lesbians and bisexuals.

    Love,
    Indie :)

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  121. @Amrita: oh is it Amrita? hmmmm.
    i think such close contacts does impact our responses to an issue like this one. i have not known a SINGLE person so far.

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  122. I am going to come out to my mom in 2 months. I know she will accept me even though she is very conservative.

    I have fought this tough battle for many years now and am much stronger now. I think this whole process will make my mom and family much stronger too, because real love is stronger than everything!

    Human beings need to love and respect, then only as a society will we be much stronger, peaceful and truly powerful.

    Cheers

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    1. i understand - it must have been a very tough battle for you - for so long. i agree - love is stronger and sincerely hope that everything works out well for you. god bless you

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  123. "Mian biwi raazi , to kya karega kazi", we used to hear this in our growing years. Being gay or lesbian , may amount to deviant sexual behaviour, as sociologists might put it, but basically it remains a question of preference and choice , though maybe some inexplicable reasons exist behind it. In our time, the boy-girl meeting raised eyebrows. Gay or lesbian relationship could not be even thought of. Ismat Chugtai was far ahead of times when she wrote a short story -Lihaaf.

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    1. haven't heard or read Lihaaf. Will try and read. Sounds interesting.

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  124. Nice post...
    Khalil gebran's one poem below.....

    "Your children are not your children.
    They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
    They come through you but not from you.
    And though they are with you, they belong not to you.
    You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
    For they have their own thoughts.
    You may house their bodies but not their souls,
    For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
    Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
    You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
    For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
    You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
    The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite.
    And He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
    Let your bending in the archer's hands be for happiness;
    For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
    So He loves the bow that is stable." -Khalil Gebran

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    1. very deep poem and says so much!! thanks for putting his thoughts here Shukoor. appreciate it

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  125. I discovered your web site via Google while looking for a related subject, lucky for me your web site came up, its a great website. I have bookmarked it in my Google bookmarks. You really are a phenomenal person with a brilliant mind!

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    1. thank you so much for your nice words. i am glad you found my blog worth your time :)

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  126. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  127. Hi Sujatha... I just chanced upon your blog yesterday through a friend's and just got hooked.I have been digging through your archives and reading all of your posts.. you are just amazing! The topics you choose,the clarity of thoughts that you have have left me in awe.I am following you !

    As for this topic, I completely agree with the term intellectual pity, something that doesnt come straight from the heart, but comes from the mind.There is a long way for us to go before we reach that open-mind,large-heart state.

    Keep writing !

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    1. Wow! Am i humbled or what reading your response! Thank you Sampada. Your appreciation means a lot to me :)

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