25 February 2012

The BOY-Friend

It’s time for the 4th guest post on my blog: ‘The BOY-friend’ by Sunita Kurup of “I See, I Feel, I Say” fame. It’s one of the few blogs I got ‘addicted’ to pretty early & I only want to say this: her blog ROCKS. Read this for a taste of her delightful sense of humor.

Over to her now: The “BOY-friend”

I was never in the category of ‘good girls’. Going into kitchen was only to steal goodies, dad’s tummy no matter how big I grew happens to be my pillow always, 95% of my friends are ‘boys’, 5% of the girls who were friends with me were only because they wanted to get closer to the guys I knew: D :D. Yes and parents of these 5% girls told them to stay away from me because I would ‘spoil’ them. But I was always my dad’s princess and my mom’s headache. One night something happened which not only changed my mom's thoughts (I think so) but also made me feel good, feel much secured & stronger. One of my friend's mom (from the 5%) found out that she was going around with some guy from the same school. This friend of mine was a very quiet person. Even in 11th grade her mom packed orange juice for her in a bottle, she spoke so softly that anyone could hardly hear her. I was always compared to her in my house, when it came to behaving like a 'good girl'. Anyways, so the night her mom discovered what her daughter was doing in college besides studying, she thought it was her moral right to barge into our house and question me O_O. ”It is Pinky who is spoiling my daughter; she is the one who always roams around with boys ". And she went on and on about my 'reputation' just because I had too many male friends. All this while my bro was looking at me at his wicked best, trying to tell me “tera to aaj band bajne wala hai". My mom listened for a while and then said, " my daughter has a lot of friends who are boys, she also goes to their houses, but my daughter is at home as of now studying, she topped her semester exams, and yesterday when she bunked college with all her friends she had told her father about it in advance, I have nothing to worry, you should worry because it’s your gal who has not returned home yet. Instead of standing here and talking crap about my gal you should go and look out for your daughter ". I was zapped and my bro's face became like " aarey yeh kahani mein twist kaha se aa gaya"

No one brought up the topic again and my mom did not discuss it with me. But that was not all about it in my life. I have always been questioned about having more of guy friends then gals. Aare it’s my choice yaar, nobody ever questioned me why I was closer to my dad than my mom or to my bro than my sis, then why about friends. Every male friend that I have had has been looked upon as my 'Boyfriend'. Why?? Well the friend is a 'boy' so technically yes a 'boyfriend' but I certainly will not end up into a 'dil ka connection' with all my male friends. These were my thoughts all through my teenage.

Things started changing as I moved on in life with studies, career and relationships. The most common scenario is you befriend a guy, obviously because you are comfortable with him. Here you have no intention of getting any closer than being good friends, but because you are with that friend all the time, even your other friends start questioning your relationship status with him. Not to blame the world but really can a girl & a guy ever be 'just good friends’?? Why not? I ask...I would like to sit and get drunk with a guy friend and collapse in the same room, but then bloody hell the 'sexual tension' takes place or atleast there is a fear of 'that thing' happening. You feel emotional and want a shoulder to cry, if it is a female shoulder then its fine, but if it is a male shoulder then you will never know when the face turns to you and you get a kiss or smooch on your lips and next day you are going around with that 'good friend' of yours. And then suddenly this 'good friend' bans you from being friends with other good friends. Why?? Because he fears the same story might happen again.

Even if you and your friend have a nice friendly relation, the world will want to put a name to it or atleast your respective partners will. I have this very close friend and I was shocked when during a coffee session his wife referred to me as his sister!! I almost slipped the coffee and told her that her husband was not my brother nor do I have any such brotherly feelings for him. He is a good friend that’s it. I have never ever in my entire life called a guy my brother just to escape eyes of the world, and I will try never to do it in future either. I am proud of my friends and my relationships with them but it does not change the fact that I got married to my best friend. We decided to take our relationship beyond friendship when we realised that we would like to spend our lives together as husband and wife. So then does that mean that I am contradicting my own thoughts??? Why exactly is it so difficult (not impossible) to have a friendly relationship (not brotherly) with a handsome successful hunk?? Is sex the only reason?? I cannot answer, I do not know. Maybe when I grow older, with experience I might have an answer but as of now I have no idea why all the ruckus and hulla gulla about the ‘Boyfriend’!!!

16 February 2012

My Blood

A story in Femina (25 Jan’12): A poor farmer’s wife tried to conceive. She failed time & again, so she even got her sister married to her husband so they could’ve a waaris (heir). But that didn’t work either. Finally, at the age of 70, she went for IVF procedure & delivered a baby! The cost of the IVF was Rs 2 lakh. They sold off 2 acres of land, 1 bullock & a cart they owned, took an agriculture loan of Rs 50,000/-, & now, every 6 months they pay Rs 3000/- as bank interest. Their financial & medical struggles to have a baby, was not the only thing that caught my attention, rather what she said at the end of the interview did. She said, “Why didn’t we adopt? Is that a question to ask? If we had adopted a child, he’d have thrown us out of the house. Who would’ve given us food? And why should we adopt & give all our property to a stranger?”

Why did she fear that he’d throw them out? Why are we paranoid that adopted children will turn out ungrateful? Don’t our own biological children treat us similarly or even worse? Why are we almost sure that the adopted ones will shame us in some way? I understand that the fear “What if the child turns out evil/badly behaved?” or “What if his parents were criminals or anti-social?” is a very real one. And it brings me to the eternal debate of which is the superseding force - nature or nurture? What triumphs ultimately - our genes or the way we are raised?

What I don’t understand, however, is the concept of ‘my blood’ or ‘pure blood.’ What is so pure about it? I’m a Hindu, so I’ll be burnt when I die. And my so-called pure blood along with my pure bones & flesh would turn into obnoxious air. The pure blood notion is deeply ingrained in our psyche & closely linked to inheritance & the sharing of wealth & the reason why we reproduce &/or not adopt. We do not easily accept adoption as a solution to infertility or as an answer to an accompanying desire for an offspring. Traditionally, even if some did adopt, it’d be a sibling’s kid; not a stranger picked up from some orphanage or hospital.

In college, I remember reading stories of couples who had adopted & thinking “I’ll adopt a child, not an infant or a toddler, but a slightly older child.” I wondered where they got their strength from because to adopt, one needs a big heart full of warmth & a great deal of sensitivity. We think that we are changing the child’s life but the truth is, he is making a difference to our lives. When I got married & discussed this with Sathya, the answer was a firm no. I was sensible enough to know that, if he is strongly against the thought of adoption, I couldn’t go ahead with it. I must let go of it altogether, or wait till he comes around on his own, because the resulting negative environment wouldn’t be conducive to the child or for the others in the family. A child can easily sense traces of indifference. This HAD to be a joint decision. And the discussion ended there. But, if I outlive Sathya, then, one day, I’ll do it.

The decision to adopt cannot be an emotional one. One must have a reasonably well-paying job. The adoption procedures itself can be harrowing & so long-drawn that it’s enough to put off any well-meaning couples off it. One must think both from the heart & the brain; be emotional & practical in equal measure for something as momentous as this. I don’t know how long it’ll take us to open our hearts to it. All I know is, if we - the ones who ‘need’ to or ‘want’ to, ever get around to doing it, more than the child, it is our lives that is going to be enriched.

08 February 2012

Love without Expectations

Can you? I can’t. Love without expectations is saintly love & I’m no saint; nor intend to be one. I’m human. Love is a need. I expect. If this isn’t true love, then I’ve not been in true love because I’ve always expected & I know that the other person has expected too.

When I love someone, I look forward to certain things; a love in return to begin with. Doesn’t love start with the hope that the person loves you back; that he sees you, notices your existence, likes you just one bit at a time? Later, when you realize he loves you too, you move on to level 2 – hope he does this, hope he does that. And when that is done, a new list springs up! There really is no end to it. The question is should there be? Yes, Buddha said expectations are the cause of all suffering. But then, does that knowledge stop us? When I pray, I expect God to take care of me, be there when I’m drowning in a sea of tears, & give me strength. Even with God, the relationship is of wanting & needing, toh insaan kya cheez hai!

The problem with expectations is that it’s not always expressed. Unless you say what you want, how will you ever get it? I’m not a mind-reader! The frustration builds up because we assume he MUST know & understand us very well without a single word exchanged just because he is married to us. The truth is we’ve to tell, suggest, communicate, express, say, hint. Otherwise, he might try all he can & yet not measure up to our ‘hidden’ expectations.

As for what I expect from my man, it’s the most important thing he can give me - his TIME. I can’t live with a man who is a workaholic, spends 15 hours in office, 5 hours sleeping, 1 hour eating, 1 hour in the bathroom & 10 minutes with me. Since I’m not in a race to create any jaaydad (ancestral wealth) for my progeny, I’d rather he earns a few thousands less, than over-working (or pretending to!!) & coming home only to bathe & sleep. I don’t need him to earn for me. That I can manage very well all by myself.

I’d love it if he’d make me laugh; make me chuckle through my sometimes nonsensical fits of anger, & my crazy bouts of stupidity & silliness.

I want my man to fight with me! Sometimes! I want little tiffs to dot our journey as man & wife because they lend an intensity & hunger to the relationship like none other. The kind of fights where, one moment, you want to kill each other & the next, can’t bear to stay apart! Perfect understanding? Naah! I don’t want to end up a boring old couple who don’t speak through words but only through telepathy even if they are sitting on chairs bang opposite each other!

I also expect my man to fix the fan/car/bike/washing machine/T.V/tube light &mixer when it breaks down! Well, at least the first level repair, the diagnosis of what’s wrong with the damn machine. Arey, if it weren’t for one of these smaller mercies of life, why would I need a man in the first place? A man & his muscles have many uses!! And while he is at it, I also expect him to stop bragging that my curry turned out super because of his three second ‘tadka’ magic!